Over the weekend, latter-day health and wellness guru Gwyneth Paltrow put her chakra where her mouth is with the very first Goop health summit. Somewhere halfway between a retreat and an expo, the Los Angeles event showcased the latest and greatest in spiritualism, alternative therapies, and basically everything else her Goop brand markets to dissatisfied punters worldwide.

Now, the reviews are in. And they involve leeches. 

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In Goop Health fielded a series of feature talks, wafting over topics like gut health and yes, conscious uncoupling. Yoga-filled halls also dotted the scene. There was even ‘flavoured oxygen’, because if you’re not sniffing premium gases in 2017, you’re falling behind.

But it’s been reported the event’s highlight was a panel talk between Paltrow, Cameron Diaz, Nicole Richie, Tory Burch, and Australia’s own Miranda Kerr. 

While they discussed issues that legitimately impact all of us – you know, being busy as hell trying to progress a career, while also seeking personal fulfilment – they also touched on facials. Leech facials. 

Kerr said she’d used the lil’ blood suckers for cosmetic purposes and to “detoxify”, and that she actually kept them afterwards. She told the audience “they’re in my koi pond.

“You’re not allowed to reuse them and if you don’t take them home then she kills them and I didn’t like that idea.”

Thank you so much for having me @gwynethpaltrow & @goop ????. It was an honor to be on a panel with such amazing women ?? #ingoophealth

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Elsewhere, visitors were able to have their aura ‘photographed’, or they could partake in crystal therapy readings. Those looking to nourish their physical forms could partake in all manner of bone broths (from animals which were presumably killed – sorry, Miranda), or they could straight-up absorb a vitamin-packed IV drip.

Tickets to the event started at US $500, all the way up to a $1,500 (!!!) package which included an exclusive lunch with Paltrow herself. Anyone who pledged that much cash to the event could also experience a “sound bath” of “singing bowls”, which supposedly produce a “calming effect at a cellular level.”

Alternatively: pack a regular bowl and crank some Enya. 

By all accounts, In Goop Health was a success – if you’re into that sort of thing. Expect more leech-laden tips when the New York City venture rolls around in January 2018.

Source: The Sydney Morning Herald / The Washington Post / USA Today.
Photo: Miranda Kerr / Instagram.