Gwyneth Paltrow Lays Nekkid In Unidentified Slop For ‘Goop’ Mag’s 1st Cover

Gwyneth Paltrow is America‘s answer to Pete Evans, albeit richer, hotter and far more influential.

sorry hun but it’s true 

The actress slash entrepreneur slash snake oil saleswoman has spruiked all manner of wellness-related products in her time, from ‘body vibe’ stickers that rebalance your body’s energy to scented oxygen.

Despite her routinely twacked out claims, Paltrow’s health blog Goop is wildly successful. Around 600K people follow it on Instagram alone. And now it’s making the leap from digital to print in the form of a quarterly magazine.

The premiere issue has just come out and it features none other than Paltrow herself butt nekked spare a pair of grundies in a pool of, well, literal goop:

Paltrow is pictured reclining in a brown substance of unknown origin, looking relaxed but no doubt feeling highly uncomfortable and probably a bit cold.

The website description for the 96-page mag reads:

The Premiere Issue of goop Magazine—released quarterly—unpacks healing modalities, clean beauty (makeup-bag detox included), and easy, nutrient-dense recipes. Inside, find deep-dives into crystals and mud masks, reiki and bee-venom treatments—in addition to a candid conversation with goop CEO, Gwyneth Paltrow. Plus, some useful takeaways: a do-anywhere Tracy Anderson workout, fall fashion recap, and a how-to for having better orgasms.

It’s got #detox, #crystals, #reiki AND #beevenomtreatments. You truly cannot make this up!

A magazine promoting and exploring such upper-class-white-woman-who-is-a-little-bit-bored-with-life-right-now products must come with an upper-class-white-woman-who-is-a-little-bit-bored-with-life-right-now price tag, which is a healthy AUD$18.64.

But you can’t put a price of effervescent wellness, can you folks?