Malcolm Turnbull’s Upcoming Book Features An Entire Chapter On [Ugh] Barnaby Joyce Fucking

Strange as it may seem to release a tell-all political career retrospective in the middle of a global pandemic, next week will see the arrival of former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull‘s memoir A Bigger Picture, which promises to lay bare every facet, corner, and controversy of the ex-Member for Wentworth’s lengthy stint in the public eye. Unfortunately for those of you with weak constitutions, this means the book contains an entire chapter on Barnaby Joyce and the various movements and activities of his turgid dick.

Turnbull revealed the contents listing for his soon-to-be-released book on Twitter earlier today, revealing what ground exactly has been covered in the tome, and more importantly how much space has been dedicated to each topic.

And while the ex-PM covers all the usual bases in the 704-page hulking page turner, it’s 7 pages towards the end that are sure to turn the stomach.

Let’s zoom in on that one a little closer.

…and closer still.

There you go. Chapter 44. Seven whole ass pages dedicated entirely to “Barnaby and the bonk ban,” the political saga that saw Turnbull issue a sweeping ban on sexual relations between Federal Ministers and their staffers, implemented because a horned-up Joyce hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing with former media advisor Vikki Campion in an at-the-time extra-marital affair that has since yielded two children, bringing Barnaby’s lifetime sprog total up to 6.

Other core highlights promised by both the book’s table of contents and official synopsis includes a 23-page screen on how he “stood up” to Donald Trump, a mere 10 pages on the the NBN, and a 25-page chapter on how – direct quote from the synopsis here – “he legalised same-sex marriage.”

Sounds great!

A Bigger Picture is out next Monday via physical retail bookstores you’re not legally allowed to travel to right now.