What’s the appropriate response to the intractable problem with mass gun violence in the US, intertwined as it is with the quite possibly unchangeable nature of America’s relationship to guns as a necessary self-defence weapon and the country’s belief that true freedom only exists when you can instantly purchase a semi-automatic rifle without delay or question? Sheer absurdism. It’s about all you can do.
As much as for some catharsis as just because it’s funny, Twitter today rallied around making fun of some dude’s absurd contention that he would volunteer his time and his guns to protect kids from school shooters, as discovered by Twitter user Krang T Nelson (real name).
hey check out this totally normal person u would definitely want hanging out with ur children pic.twitter.com/con8LzOcRn
— america’s lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) February 26, 2018
And look, sure. Thank for your service etc etc, it’s very nice of you to volunteer your time to look after kids, your motives are unimpeachable. But it’s difficult to imagine that America’s pathological love of using guns to solve problems both real and imagined is going to be fixed by letting a rando stalk around a school with three loaded guns and letting him decide whether a child acting erratically is a student with a behavioural disorder or a student who is about to unload a clip on his geometry class.
Very quickly, it was memed.
I PLEDGE TO WORK FOR FREE for any school to help secure the children. I am a retired veteran, 29 years of service, Infantry Sergeant Major, U.S. Army Ranger with combat experience. I have a conceal carry, Primary and Alternate side arms, an AR-15, and all necessary tactical gear. pic.twitter.com/gJU7j87kwA
— america’s lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) February 26, 2018
I PLEDGE TO WORK FOR FREE for any school to help secure the children. I am a retired veteran, 29 years of service, Infantry Sergeant Major, U.S. Army Ranger with combat experience. I have a conceal carry, Primary and Alternate side arms, an AR-15, and all necessary tactical gear. pic.twitter.com/QqdRjXaXj8
— John (@JohnKitsch) February 27, 2018
I PLEDGE TO WORK FOR FREE for any school to help secure the children. I am a 29 year retired veteran, Infantry Sergeant Major, U.S. Army Ranger with combat experience. I have a conceal carry, Primary and Alternate side arms, an AR-15, and all necessary tactical gear. pic.twitter.com/kMziZ3mTh5
— milf (man i love fortnite) (@ElJaydo) February 27, 2018
https://twitter.com/TrophyUncle/status/968338715583111170
https://twitter.com/nick_henning/status/968338623262273536
I PLEDGE TO WORK FOR FREE for any school to help secure the children. I am a 29 year retired veteran of the galactic jihad, Fedaykin Muad’dib, Fremen warrior of Arrakis, with combat experience. I have a conceal carry, Primary and Alternate side arms, a crysknife, and a stillsuit. pic.twitter.com/Tnpjl1FOCS
— No one (@stoppedcaring19) February 27, 2018
https://twitter.com/rachel_pick/status/968333485164384258
https://twitter.com/ZTOESQ/status/968332807209709570
I PLEDGE TO WORK FOR FREE for any school to help secure the children. I am a retired veteran, 29 years of service, Infantry Sergeant Major, U.S. Army Ranger with combat experience. I have a conceal carry, Primary and Alternate side arms, an AR-15, and all necessary tactical gear pic.twitter.com/K5LkqmCes2
— frederich bojengles (@minimumplum) February 27, 2018
https://twitter.com/devlon2million/status/968326367531143168
https://twitter.com/thomas_violence/status/968305741466517505
Look, it doesn’t in any way beat the US just sucking it up and implementing things like waiting periods, requirements to demonstrate a need for owning a gun before you can be issued a license, bans on modifications designed to make semi-automatic weapons function as automatics, background checks, or bans on guns that make it far too easy to take out an entire room of people – but at least we can laugh, right?
I haven’t included my very favourite one of these in the list because it involves a fully visible, fully naked, and fully erect human penis, but if you want to see it, it’s right here. I promise it’s worth it. Maybe.
