This Man Cranked His Yank Noodle With Such God-Forbidden Speed He Wound Up In Intensive Care

guy jerked off masturbate hospital intensive care

A moment of silence for this Swiss man who jerked his meat candle so fkn hard he ended up in intensive care with a lung injury. Apparently, this is totally possible. I must stress to all of us who wield penises that this is NOT a challenge.

Per The Sun, the 20-year-old man first started feeling discomfort while he was lying in bed masturbating. Pardon the graphic details but this story is literally about wanking your way into the hospital, what did you expect?

The man knew something was off once he started to feel shortness of breath and chest pains. Once he went to the hospital, he was put in intensive care for the night and started to experience swelling in the face. Masturbloating? I’m sorry.

He spent three days in the hospital and was diagnosed with an incredibly rare lung injury called “spontaneous” pneumomediastinum (SPM). This is an injury most often caused by rigorous exercise or massive coughing fits.

Basically, our man over here was cranking it so hard even Soulja Boy would blink an eye. Hard and fast enough to start a small fire. Olympic-level self-gratification.

SPM occurs when air leaks out from the lungs and into the ribcage. Yes, apparently that is just something our lungs can do when they’re hot and bothered.

Our poor victim of the crank curse did however have a history of asthma.

But fear not, joystick users, because SPM has a 1 per cent chance of occurring and usually happens to men aged around 23. Something about that statistic does not surprise me in the slightest.

So the chances of this happening to you are very low. Not to mention if you do ever get SPM, it probably won’t ever be from tugging the rope. Gorgeous news! Mazz away!

“There are only a few reports of SPM related to sexual activity and we could not find any cases associated with autoeroticism, which makes our case unusual,” one of the medics told The Sun.

An absolutely awful thing to happen to someone in a moment of sinful solitude but a good lesson to the rest of us that our bodies are such strange and wondrous things.