That pesky bitch Buruli (a flesh-eating ulcer that has been lurking in Melbourne) has spread further than the city. My ulcer in Christ, I have enough holes in my body that get eaten alive, I do NOT need any more.

Yes, friends, it is with a heavy heart that I must confirm there have been more cases of the Buruli (or Bairnsdale) ulcer in Melbourne. Infections have been reported specifically in Pasco Vale South and Strathmore, bringing the total amount of cases this year to 39. That’s 39 too much if you ask me.

In good news, however, Victoria’s Deputy Chief Health Officer Deborah Friedman has confirmed that your risk of getting the Buruli ulcer is still considered to be “low”.

The first sign to look out for with the Buruli ulcer is a painless lump that resembles an insect bite that may – or may not – be itchy.

“Early diagnosis is critical to prevent skin and tissue loss,” Friedman told The Age.

Scientists have not yet found an official source of the flesh-eating disease, but say ringtail and bushtail possums are key carriers of the virus. However, you shouldn’t be walking around Melbourne with a possum-whacking stick — it’s those mosquito fuckers that spread the disease from the cutie possums to us.

So obviously areas with a lot of water (which mozzies love) are where we are seeing a lot of people getting Buruli ulcers.

High-risk areas for this fucked up flesh-eating disease are Rye, Blairgowrie, Tootgarook, Sorrento and the Mornington Peninsula.

Moderate risk areas are Ocean Grove, Point Lonsdale, Barwon Heads, Queenscliff, Frankston and Seaford.

The Buruli ulcer was first identified in early 2021 with instances in Essendon and Moonee Ponds (which are along the Maribyrnong River) and Brunswick East (which is flanked by Merri Creek). My girl Buruli gets around, apparently. She’s well-travelled like that.

Stay safe out there Melburnians, this is not something that you want to have to go through. We all love to get eaten out but please, not like this.

Image: Getty Images / Boy Anupong