It’s not uncommon for dogs to do watery and fetid shits, nor is it strange for said turds to shoot out with violent force. While it’s a perfectly normal bodily function, there is something inherently embarrassing about diarrhoea — my brother in Christ, just do a solid poo — and while I feel bad about it, I don’t believe pooches should be exempt from feeling such shame. So on that note, a bulldog on a Delta Air flight to Miami had explosive diarrhoea and ran around the plane, with his shit-smeared body touching nooks and crannies that should never feel the sloppy embrace of a runny poo.

Mike Solana‘s boyfriend was on the poo plane and told him about the events that were transpiring, which Solana then shared on Twitter.

“My bf is on a plane to Miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhoea,” he said.

“Everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped.

“Now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. People are lifting up their legs and screaming.”

Everyone onboard was literally shitting, farting, screaming, crying and throwing up. I didn’t think this sequence of bodily functions was possible but the passengers aboard a Delta Air flight to Miami have proved me wrong.

As a self-professed crier — please, show me a more satisfying visceral thrill than a loud, body-shaking wail — I stand with the owner who simply started sobbing. Dare I say it, weeping is the only reasonable response to seeing your dog run laps around a plane while it’s pissing out of its butt hole.

But the story does not end there. No, Solana provided more details by way of seating arrangement. It turns out the bulldog was sitting by the window, Solana’s boyfriend was in the middle seat and there was a random girl on the aisle.

The lass thought the bulldog was cute and asked its owner if she could hold him on her lap. But it was at this moment that hell quite literally broke loose, for once he arrived on her thighs “he exploded”, as Solana poetically put it.

Firstly, I’m glad it’s been confirmed the bulldog is a boy. I didn’t want to assume anything but getting explosive diarrhoea on a plane and then running amok is male behaviour. A girl dog simply would not do that.

Secondly, this story is giving me major déjà vu to when I was 16-years-old and vomited on a classmate’s lap on a plane. My Year 11 French class was flying to Paris for a study tour and I, someone who is severely allergic to walnuts, ate a meal I didn’t realise contained the bastard, devil nut.

I had a classmate on either side of me and I was closest to the right aisle, and my teacher was sitting on the left aisle seat. I leaned across to ask her for my allergy medication and and then I literally spewed mid-sentence all over the girl who was sandwiched between me and my teacher. She started crying and I also wept openly.

In a way, I was both the bulldog and its owner. But I digress. Back to the poo plane.

Solana said a flight attendant offered extremely shit-smeared passengers vino and someone whipped a biohazard kit out. A woman flying at the pointy end of the plane even had the gall to query why her dinner tray hadn’t been cleared yet.

Ma’am, please, a bulldog is literally explosively shitting all over the plane.

But based on Solana’s final tweet that concluded this gripping saga, everything worked out fine in the end.

“Seats were Lysol’d and scrubbed, 75 dollars in airline points were rewarded to direct hits, the lights were dimmed, and a very tired and ashamed lil pup watched TV for the rest of the trip,” he said.

“The plane safely landed. My bf is now home (he swears he can still smell poop).”

Poo dog, if you’re reading this, I need you to know you’re not excused from the sheer embarrassment that comes with having explosive diarrhoea in public.

You may be cute with your wrinkly little face and powerful stance, but this story will always follow you. You will never beat the “projectile vomiting from your butt hole on a plane” allegations. God speed, poo dog. You’re gonna need it.

Source: Getty Images / Drew Angerer & UPN / CBS Television Distribution / America's Next Top Model