Ever see one of those films where someone either finds a magical wish-granting genie or nymph or demon or monkey paw or whatever and runs buckwild with the wishes, only to be brought horribly unstuck because their wishes weren’t specific enough to avoid exploitation and consequence? Think of Twitter as that monkey paw: A wondrous resource of mild sociopaths who will help you attain anything your heart desires, but will fuck you up mercilessly if your request isn’t watertight.
Case in point: A young bloke by the name of Rory doing the good boy thing of trying to score his mate Nick a few cheeky birthday drinks on the house. The pub they went to, Banker’s Draft in Sheffield, England, happens to have its own special app that lets practically anyone shout you a drink.
Putting two and two together, the lads came up with an ingenious scheme: Put the call out on Twitter, and sit back as the Precious Bevington’s flow in completely free of charge.
This is Nick, and it’s his birthday. We’re at the Bankers Draft spoons in Sheffield, table 67, be generous and send him a Bev on the app xxx pic.twitter.com/JxMnjB8a46— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
Only problem is the pub’s entire drinks and food menu is listed on the app. And the boys were ah… not very specific in what they wanted.
The first indication that something was about to go horribly wrong came in the form of booze-free frothies.
What cheeky fucker has sent him a non alcoholic becks pic.twitter.com/CGtTefZlIF— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
But then came the milk.
Lots and lots of milk.
You really think you’re funny don’t you pic.twitter.com/HcX6dLIC0J— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
This is not what we had in mind you sadistic wankers pic.twitter.com/4GGXiKpXJm— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
A fruit shoot, milk, and some crispy onions, name a more iconic trio pic.twitter.com/7FKlflakAp— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
‘Course with food also being an option to send, someone decided to make sure young Nick was getting enough greens.
Right this has gone off the rails now Who is doing this what do we do with this pic.twitter.com/FiU5CsWPbd— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
‘Course it weren’t all bad. Some nice people supplemented the joke orders with the occasional boozy beverage.
Fantastic pic.twitter.com/GAyLs6iJps— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
And they did also receive a thoughtful little treat to celebrate Nick’s special day.
Someone’s been nice, and we thank you pic.twitter.com/Lfh5vIX4pL— Rory (@RoryMeep) September 20, 2017
They left the pub, but apparently the orders kept rolling in for table 67. So if you’re in the area and keen to roll the dice on a free treat or random drink, it might be smart to go post yourself up and see what happens.
Realistically, “the daily recommended intake of calcium” is about as good a birthday gift as you could ever get, so… many happy returns, Nick! Your bones will thank you.