Adelaide Might Regulate The Size Of Chicken Schnitties Because Fun Is A Lie

Everyone with an internet connection wants to be constantly outraged about one thing or another these days, but rarely is there a cause of outrage that’s this bloody important.
Adelaide continues to earn its mantle as the most outright weird burg in all the land. The city where pints are schooners, potato cakes/scallops are called fritters for some godforsaken reason, and who swears black & blue than an HSP is really just an AB even though no one in South Australia can agree on what ‘AB’ actually means, is pulling a whole new round of absolute, pure, unadulterated bullshit.
No, they’re not trying to start up a rival AB Appreciation Society Facebook group (the King stay the King, bb). They’re not trying to convince anyone anywhere that West End is a decent beer again (as big a lost cause as you will ever see). They’re not even trying to pull some outlandish shit like naming more arterial roads after Knights (seriously tho what’s up with that).
No, all hyperbole aside, what they’re doing this time is worse than all wars past, present, and future combined, multiplied by a thousand.
You think we’re joking? Well cop this.
Adelaide, capital city of South Australia, is thinking about reducing and regulating the size of chicken schnitties.
A proposed new trial would see Adelaide restaurants would see the size of schnitzels reduced on a mandatory level in a bid to reduce the amount of food wastage produced by the state.
Keep South Australia Beautiful chief John Phillips, who is in charge of the government-funded group tasked with reducing waste and landfill, claimed that the state government had “reacted positively” to the idea, and that a suitable dining district was now being sought to conduct the trial in.
“Sometimes I watch the body language of people when the meal comes out — their jaw drops literally when they see the size of some of the meals and a lot of the product is left on the plate.”

“This is about educating people to look at their habits or behaviour so they can take a personal responsibility.”
Unsurprisingly, the reaction from *literally everyone else* hasn’t exactly been welcoming. Australian Hotels Association rep Ian Horne wasn’t exactly enthused about the proposal’s chances.

“It’s a bit harsh to blame the poor schnitzel for all the woes of landfill — I think that’s an overstatement. I think it would be commercial disaster for a venue to go out and market themselves as saying ‘we provide smaller portions’. Where do you draw the line? Do you start setting a standard for how many seeds and grains must be in a multigrain roll?”

Members of the public calling in to 891 ABC Adelaide almost universally suggested that instead of a government body regulating how big your schnitty can be, maybe instead pubs should start outwardly listing half-serves on their menu instead. Ya know, so people have the option of controlling their own dinner sizes on the off chance they don’t feel like consuming an entire bird.
Our view? The humble schnitty is as engrained in the fabric of Australia as the emu, the tinnie, and the humble Hills hoist. The absolute last thing it needs is some grimy government know-it-all putting his hands on it before it gets to you while he tries to tell you your business. If you want to go to the pub and get all fucked up on chook, it should be your dog-given right as an Australian to do so.
No government, at any level, should have the right to control the mighty schnitzel.
Say it loud, Adelaidians. So everyone can hear you: “HANDS OFF OUR SCHNITS.
Source: ABC News.
Photo: The Warwick/Instagram.