For about fifty per cent of Australian school leavers to graduate in 2013, the University year has officially begun. It is O-Week, the week in which new students and those returning to the fray after months spent tanning and forgetting the previous year’s learnings, will gingerly dip their toes into the murky waters of higher education and its gamut of collegiate countercultures: from the drunk geniuses of the Engineering School to the Amnesty fire-twirlers, Quidditch-playing Harry Potter enthusiasts (these exist), the actively spiritual, and #cleaneating rowing jocks.
In this most-diverse of environments, the average university student will spend three to five years. I was there for seven. Now I’m a medical doctor and it was all worth it.
Real talk you guys: I’m not a medical doctor. I just really liked learning.
Incidentally, one of the finest sub-educations I received during my tenure as a student was how to successfully balance full-time study with a paying job. You’ll find this essential if you want to actually enjoy the pleasures only afforded by the on-campus experience (toga parties, shouting the whole refectory a pie, great bands, subsidised tickets to well-known comedians, annual fees for the Drama Club, and buying a trillion drinks). It’s crucial for your sanity, interpersonal development and sex-quota that you maintain an active social life at uni. And unless you have rich parents funding your exploits, you’re going to need a way to get paid. Here are a few suggestions…
BARTENDING
If you’re looking at an unrelenting timetable of contact hours you’ll need to find a gig that caters to your evening-only availability. Tending bar is a good option for those with a blasé attitude to sleep, a chill-but-firm demeanour, and a high tolerance for the smell of spew. Paying around $18-$25 an hour (plus tips and found change) you can probably make a decent living putting in hours at the taps. The problem here is that your key working periods will include Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights – the very nights you’ll want free to up the chances for pantsing your fellow students. Herein the difficulty lies. With that said, science has proven* that those who wield the drink also wields the balance of social power and with it an inexplicable sex juju. If getting laid is your aim (because real life is presumably the same as Van Wilder: Party Liaison), then pulling pints might be your calling.
*Not factual.
CALL CENTRE
I’m as terrible at sales as the next person who carries an deep-rooted guilt complex. Certainly, if you’re naturally gifted at overcoming strangers’ objectives through cold calls you should choose to ride the telemarketing wave; otherwise you’ve got options like help desk & technical support, Inbound customer service, and market research. Or a personal answering service. The options for this type of job are endless and they tend to pay decently by the hour. The downside is you will 100% have to deal with a boss (“team leader”) who is a bona fide shithead.
MYSTERY SHOPPER
Enjoy purchasing things, basic improv and covert ops? Got a fine eye for detail and recognising good customer service from the bad? Congratulations: you’re a prime candidate for the job of Mystery Shopper. While the payoff isn’t massive, you’ll be going undercover on a stealth mission to rat out any listless teenage debris working the floors at Cotton On. That’s work to be proud of, friend.
DRUG TRIALS
Make a contribution to science and get paid while doing it – everyone wins. If you have no known allergies, are over 18 and have spare time of your hands, drug trials are the answer. And by this we’re not referring to the $20 Barney’s cousin offered you to road test his new batch of pingers. There are legitimate low-risk pharmaceutical trials in need of participants that offer a paycheck of up to $3,000. As hell suss as it sounds, I participated in a few trials through Q-Pharm while studying at UQ. And I turned out just fine.
#selfie
HAIR MODEL
Don’t want an employer enforcing dress codes and personal presentation restrictions on you? Become the ultimate hair show guinea pig – if the price is right. Trainee hair stylists will pay around $50 for the use of your head for practice purposes. But if you’re prepared for a ‘do that fits the description “edgy new style for adventurous hair models” you can cop hundreds of dollars. Google it to find the hair model recruitment agency near you.
HOME TANNING SALON
Make every day a tropical holiday with your very own tanning studio. A shower or empty wardrobe can easily become a spray tan booth. Then all you need is a low-pressure airbrush (available from all good hardware stores), an assortment of decent tanning solution (easy to purchase online), and plenty of pale friends. For $25 a spray you’re offering highly competitive rates and making a mean profit to boot, plus you can make your own hours. An ideal option.
EXTRA WORK
Anybody with a passing interest in the cinematic arts and earning easy Benjis would do well to seek out any and all work as an extra when and wherever you can find it. Not only is the experience of witnessing a major motion picture or, more prestigiously, a long-running soap opera come together a largely fascinating process, it’s also highly insightful, very handsomely paid (i.e. $23 per hour for the first eight hours and 25% weekend loading rates; time and a half for every hour past an eight hour stint and double time for every hour over ten) and a great way to meet the unique breed of human that is the Professional Extra. Narcissists angling for screen time are also highly-encouraged to apply.
