The morning commute in Melbs is fun, isn’t it?
I mean, where else can you encounter people with such different views, dress sense, opinions, personal hygiene, and, well, common decency to your own, all in the confines of one platform, vehicle or carriage?
If you’re a weekday commuter from 6am onwards, here’s a breakdown of the peeps getting up in your grill pre-caffeine, all on Melbourne’s finely angled map.
THE THERE’S-NOT-ENOUGH-TIME-IN-THE-DAY HUSTLER
It’s 2016. We’re all busy. We’re all in a rush. We’re all doing things on the go. But that person on their headset, overwhelmed and freaking out while noisily punching away on their lappy – they’re truly giving everyone else on the train / bus / tram some feelings of uncomfortableness not wildly dissimilar to that of anxiety.
THE COMPANY CRAVER
They’re lovely. They’re sweet. They’re also kind of annoying and make you feel like a bad human for thinking so. Their small talk, usually about their inexperience with public transport or the day they have planned ahead (which may or may not include grandchildren), is not enough to make you stop thinking about your inevitable exit strategy, or the very real possibility that you’re going to hell.
THE SLEEPY MCSLEEP FACE
They’ve got a head tilt a’happening, and the distance between their drool and your shoulder ain’t promising.
There’s even a slight snore going on, and you can see some fellow commuters fearing for you. The train terminates, and, oh joy, you’re going to be the one who has to wake / startle them. While you’re at it, probs suggest some breakfast to keep ’em alert tomorrow.
THE HUMAN ITUNE
They’ve got their earphones in, going for gold like they’re srubba-dub-dubbing in the privacy of their own shower. For some unbeknown reason, they feel the need to share a voice worthy of decent dosh on the busker circuit. Alternatively, they’re dropping beats full boll so that everyone’s around their fully sick playlist, regardless of the inappropriate timeframe for Skrillex.
THE SPREADER
They’ve got their knees perched far enough apart to be in the final stage of a sumo squat, caring more about personal space for their privates than the human sardines who need to sit / stand around them. ‘Cause who doesn’t love their morning commute with a side or knee firmly jammed into their thigh?
THE STINK BOMB
They’re a profuse sweater, but still decide to hold hand rails above head height, enabling commuters to start their days nestled in their stanky pits, and, well, the pits of life. B.O – whether you’re the perp of the victim – is never a lot of fun, but be considerate, you guys.
THE PDA-HEAVY LOVEBIRDS
It’s young love and it’s just sah cute etc, until their hand holding tendencies literally act as a barrier for the working class that simply want to get off at their stop. On top of that, a lot of commuters (at that time of morning at least) have been jaded by a relationship at some point in their lives, and are rlly hurt by witnessing the naivety of this partnership in front of them.
THE EVERY-MAN-FOR-HIMSELF PERSON
They’re sassy. They’re selfish. They must be the first one on, and it’s even more crucial that they get their behind on some sweet cushioning, no matter who they take down in the process. Look, considering the amount of office jobs occupied by inner-city workers, there’s a high probability that they’ll be sitting down all day anyway. We don’t get it tbh.
Happy commute, commuters.
Photo: Pitch Perfect.
