It’s hard to believe that the iconic Sydney Olympics were two decades ago, but rather than living in the present, incredibly chaotic world, I have decided that I am dedicating this week to living vicariously through the best bits of the 2000 Olympics.
Sure, there was Nikki Webster flying across the sky, and that ICONIC moment from Cathy Freeman that is etched into our brains, but what I really want to talk about is the mascots.
I’ve been alive for my fair share of Olympics at this point, but could I tell you any other mascot? Absolutely not. But Olly, Syd and Millie live rent-free in my brain.
And let’s not forget Lizzie the chaotic frill-necked lizard and Fatso (the unofficial fat-arsed wombat, who is *so* on brand for Australia). But for the purpose of this list, I’ve narrowed it down to the OG three.
So, in honour of the fact that Australia would win the Olympics if it were solely judged on their mascots, I have taken it upon myself to play fuck, marry, kill with them.
Kill: Syd
I’m sorry but if this were the Hunger Games, Syd would be the one who trips over and falls off a cliff before the game even begins. I hate him. He just doesn’t make sense.
For starters, he has human hands but webbed, platypus feet. I know he’s a cartoon platypus with a blue bill but for fucks sake, at least be consistent here.
Apparently, Syd represents the energy of Australia, but the only energy I’m getting from him is BAD VIBES. No thank you, would not swipe right on Tinder. Go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Get OUT.
Oh, and he’s ALWAYS the centre of attention in photos, which doesn’t even make sense because he’s clearly the WORST one.
I don’t really have much commentary for him, but he sucks, I don’t trust him and he’s gotta go.
Conclusion: KILL.
Marry: Olly
Despite having a crippling fear of birds, I actually fuck with Olly. He’s solid. You know what to expect with him.
I also get real tough, hot guy vibes from him. I imagine he’d be jogging up the beaches of Bondi saving lives and showing off his abs if he were a human. Am I slightly attracted to him? Yes. Am I also terrified of him because he’s a bird? Absolutely.
According to my research, Olly represents generosity, which is probably why I get good guy (but HOT guy) vibes from him. He seems like a real Zac Efron type. Looks like a hot fuckboy, but would definitely offer to drive you home and walk you to the door after a date.
He’s not the hottest of the three, but he seems like he’d be a good dude. I’d marry him.
Conclusion: MARRY.
FUCKKKKK: Millie
Aaaaaah Millie, my sexual awakening. For someone who is painfully heterosexual, Millie really does things for me.
She is a hot bitch. If the Olympics were in 2020, she’d be an influencer. But not the sort of influencer who slings skinny tea detoxes and makes you feel shit about yourself, she’d be that one that you just want to be friends with.
My research also tells me that Millie is an ~intellectual~, representing everything about technology and numerical data (you know, Millie – millennium). This means she’s probably like an accountant, but like the hot, cool girl accountant.
She’s just… hot. The lashes, the spikes, the beak. HOT. Love her, love this.
And don’t even get me started on her physique. Millie really do be dumb thicc.
The team at DMBB (the advertising agency who created our beloved mascots) truly did not have to go *that* hard with Millie. But they did and for that, I thank them.
Regardless of your sexual orientation, you’re straight-up lying to yourself if you say you wouldn’t fuck Millie.
Conclusion: FUCK.
