I usually like giving gifts. Key word: usually. See, sometimes, for God knows what reason — maybe it’s a Work Thing, or an In-Laws Thing, or just a general Annoying Thing, but for whatever reason, you’ll eventually face the situation of getting a gift for someone you really do not know.
Never you fret, we’ve crafted a fun little guide on what to get people when you literally have no clue.
A dead bird
What? Cats and dogs do this all the time, and everyone loves them! Try it, what’s the worst that could happen?
A car wash voucher
Now you might be thinking, but they don’t have a car. To that, I’d retort, car washes are the most fun without a car. Use your imagination.
A signed Blu-Ray copy of the 2006 comedy smash hit ‘Click’ starring Adam Sandler
Oh man, score!
A fork
Go to your office dishwasher and find yourself a fork. Preferably one that’s used, but not immediately noticeably so. One that’s kind of crusty, at the tips. That’s the one you want. Now present this to your soon-to-be beloved.
A firm handshake
Bonus points for saying ‘champ’ or ‘good onya superstar’ and doing this smile:
A single shoe
That’s right. Just one shoe. When they look at you confused, just say something poignant like, “you never know when the other shoe will drop”. Then, in two to four years, find this person, call them, tell them you need to talk; that it’s urgent. Meet them at a car park behind a K-Mart in an industrial area. When they show up, say nothing, just present them with the other shoe. Leave, and never speak to them again.
You may never think of them again after this exchange, but I assure you, they will always remember you. As they take their dying breath, and move peacefully towards the light, it’s not their family, or their beloved childhood pet that they’ll see — it’ll be your face. They’ll leave this world never really knowing why you did what you did. And that’s ultimately the perfect gift, isn’t it?
A life-size cutout of Barack Obama
I actually did this for my girlfriend once. Lemme grab a pic.
We’re not together anymore.
Haunting. Beautiful.
A single tropical saltwater fish in a plastic bag
Find a species that’s notoriously hard to maintain, I’d look it up for you, but my name’s not Google. Find one that requires a big tank, salt water at an extremely specific temperature, and a special kind of food that’s hard to find in regular pet stores. Trust me, they’ll love it.
A voucher for a one-time hire of a small moving truck
Hey, what a coincidence, you happen to be moving this week, if only you had access to a moving truck for all the big items, and an extra pair of hands…
A copy of the classic Norwegian fairytale book “Three Billy Goats Gruff”
I loved this book as a kid. So, using the power of deduction, it’s only feasible that the person you’ve been tasked to gift to will enjoy it too.
UNO
OK, now for the gift that actually will make literally anyone with half a soul’s day. Show me someone who doesn’t like UNO and I’ll show you a liar or a damn fool. UNO is the ultimate game, it is life personified — sometimes you play a perfectly timed Reverse card that ultimately wins you the game, and sometimes you cop a Draw 4. It’s not personal, kid, it’s life.
UNO can be enjoyed by literally anyone, Uno does not discriminate based on age, race, gender, or creed. UNO loves all and is loved by all. UNO brings people together, UNO will save your soul and it will save your marriage.
I’m playing UNO right now as I type this and I am winning, not because of the actual score, but because I am playing the game, and that is winning. Living life and enjoying it is winning and enjoying life is playing UNO so if you do not know what to get a friend or colleague or stranger on the street I implore you to buy a crisp pack of UNO Right Now and change not only your life but theirs because the only thing better than playing UNO is giving the gift of UNO to others.
