Joey Bada$$ Bragged About Staring Into The Eclipse & Now His Eyes Are Bung

For the story structure nerds among you, this is as neat and succinct a three-act story as you’re ever likely to see occur in the wild. It’s perfect.

A few days ago, a total solar eclipse passed over a fair portion of the United States, sending people scrambling for their special sunglasses so they could view it without scorching their eyeballs out of their head.

Call it skepticism, call it bravado, call it mild stupidity, whatever. For whatever reason, Joey Bada$$ got the idea in his head that those special glasses were, in fact, totally useless, and that humanity’s continued existence throughout the course of time was reason enough that they were not necessary.

Fast forward to today, and three cancelled concerts later, Bada$$ himself has confirmed that as a result of his own foolishness he has to wear special sunglasses in the daytime, which is just *Italian chef kissy fingers*.

Folks, please to enjoy this glorious three-part story – documented via Joey’s social media channels – on the perils of pride, the virtue of innocence, and the importance of not staring into the goddamned sun without adequate eyewear.

ACT 1 – INTRODUCTION: Our intrepid hero establishes his world, boldly proclaiming a day before the eclipse that he has no need for adequate eye protection. He is in a zone of comfort (living with functioning eyes) but clearly wants something (to stare directly into the sun for fucking ages) and declares intention to enter into the unfamiliar situation.

ACT 2 – COMPLICATION: A day later he has adapted to his situation and gotten what he wanted, but he has paid a heavy price for it.

ACT 3 – RESOLUTION: He then returns to his familiar situation, having changed.

Roll the goddamned credits.