Just Gonna Say It: Bec Cartwright’s ‘All Seats Taken’ Must Replace The National Anthem

Bec Cartwright's All Seats Taken single cover

Bec Hewitt (née Cartwright) and her ’02 debut single ‘All Seats Taken’ deserve to replace the outdated and uninspired ‘Advance Australia Fair’.

There. I said it.

You may be a bit taken aback by this brash statement, but there are a plethora of reasons that naturally led me to this logical decision. (In fact, I can’t believe no one else hasn’t thought of this before.)

Firstly, ‘Advance Australia Fair’s 140-year-old dated and archaic lyrics are superseded by the sheer timelessness of Bec’s prose.

Wishy-washy lines like “In joyful strains then let us sing / Advance Australia Fair” could be replaced by powerful lyrics such as “I skip my entrée / And stick to table water / I’ve got my main course for dessert / I dim the lights / The DJ can take a hike / ‘Cause we don’t need no chaperone tonight.” Truly inspiring stuff. We also love lyrics that simultaneously encourage responsible drinking.

Science has also confirmed that literally no-one knows the second verse to the current national anthem. This greatly differs from ‘All Seats Taken’, which, after only a couple of listens, naturally imprints on your memory. Throw away those ceremony pamphlets and laminated sheets of paper – when singing ‘All Seats Taken’, the lyrics reside in the heart.

Moreover, the current national anthem’s claims about Australia and our “boundless plains to share” are not only contradictory but simply untrue, given our hesitance to share our home with those who travel across borders and oceans in search of a better life. The song also claims that we’re young and free, which completely ignores the fact that indigenous Australians have lived on the soil for thousands and thousands of years. Naturally, many have pointed out the farces that exist within the anthem and rightfully argued that the song isn’t reflective of a diverse and multifaceted community. Long story short, the anthem sucks.

In comparison, Bec’s bop is universal. What you see is what you get – she wants a date night and some potential mischief with a hunky beau… Finally something we can all relate to.

Thus emerges the true beauty of ‘All Seats Taken’ – everyone can seem themselves in the narrative.

Now, imagine how enjoyable school assemblies would be if the entire cohort sang ‘All Seats Taken’ each week. What a mood that would be.

Besides, what other country would be able to say that their respective national anthem incites some shimmies and the occasional booty-pop? What other country would be able to boast that their national anthem is accompanied by a slap-worthy video at a rollerblading rink?

‘All Seats Taken’ for the new national anthem. It’s the only plausible solution.

This is the Australia I want to live in.