Wake Up Fresh With This Guide To Taking Care Of Your Drunk Ass

I’m one of those people that has somewhat of a routine when I get drunk – not that it’s a particularly normal routine, but a routine nonetheless.

I get home, baffle my housemates with a tale about whatever was on my mind at the time (from all accounts, my brain is bizarre), and then inevitably wind up curling up like an egg on this one very specific spot of the floor outside my hall. Every time, without fail.

But I’ve also trained my drunk self to not be quite so much of a messy binch as I used to be. Once upon a time I’d be the kind of gal to wake up with raccoon eyes, makeup smeared over my pillows, amid the crumbs of a packet of chippies I thought was the perfect idea at 3am the night before.

However, I have learned from my mistakes, and so too will you.

1. Take care of your skin

Given that your skin is literally the biggest organ on your body, you really ought to take better care of it while drunk. Forgetting the fact that being drunk at all isn’t great for your skin, you want to minimise further damage.

If you’re a makeup-wearer, TAKE IT OFF BEFORE BED. I repeat: TAKE. IT. OFF. There is nothing worse than wearing makeup to bed because it’ll get into your pores and that, my friends, is how you get breakouts. All it takes is keeping makeup remover and some makeup pads beside your bed.

Heck, you could even use a Face Halo or some standard wipes (though wipes don’t really do much except move it around on your face, but it’s better than nothing). Follow it up with moisturiser (and if you don’t wear makeup, do that anyway). HYDRATION IS KEY.

2. Take care of your chompers

I’m one of those people who is acutely aware of my teeth at all times – my parents paid thousands of buckaroos for braces and if I muck ’em up then there’ll be hell to pay. And when you’re drunk, the simple act of brushing your teeth can change the entire game.

Not only will you feel better in general, but on a more microscopic level it’s doing you so much good. Alcohol is jam-packed with sugar, and sugar is not exactly what you’d call a tooth’s best pal.

And not to be gross, but it’s ALL the more important if you’ve overindulged on the grog and had to throw up. Throwing up means acid, and that can damage your teeth something severe. Brush and rinse, and you can thank us in the morning for not having booze breath.

3. Take care of your innards

It’s all well and good to do all the simple stuff to improve your physical appearance, coz even drunk you can recognise aesthetic differences. It’s harder to remember to do the things that are gonna benefit your insides.

They’re staples: drink water, have food in your stomach (other than your late night Nando’s feed), don’t overdo it on the drink and get enough sleep. I am not your mother, and yet here I am reminding you of things that really ought to be quite obvious, no?

It’s coz none of you gremlins actually pay heed to this life-saving information! Honestly pals, I know you’ve heard it a million times but you really should pay attention. It’ll help you wake up without a hangover, if your sustained health is not incentive enough.

4. Take care ~down there~

I am not gonna judge you for the naughty things you get up to while feeling tipsy – in fact, as long as it’s all consensual I heartily endorse having a good ol’ time! But what I will judge you for, is making sure that you’re taking care of yourself afterwards.

If you’ve got a vagina and you’ve been getting busy with a lucky human, make sure that you go for a wee straight afterwards to flush out any bacteria – and I must beseech you, please wipe the right way.

Otherwise you’ll put yourself at risk of a urinary tract infection (or UTI) – keep a sachet of Ural on hand just in case to ease the symptoms. And don’t forget – some clean knickers go a long way in feeling fresh.

5. Don’t be a pest

Mental health is just as important as physical health, especially when you’re having a few, coz it heightens your emotions and things can seem worse than they are.

A super simple trick is to turn your phone onto airplane mode once you get home – it’ll stop you contacting people you shouldn’t. Make sure all the important people know where you are first (smokebombing is not good for anyone) and head home to bed.

But don’t feel too bad if you get a lil’ batty when you’re drinking. I consulted some folks on their weirdest drunk habit to make you feel better about your own.

  • “I balance on one leg for a sustained period, which drunk me has deemed to be the definitive way to test sobriety. Turns out I’m good at balance when I’m drunk, so I then hop around the room loudly declaring myself to be sober.”Sangeetha
  • “I eat a stupidly huge amount of cheese. I mean I do that in general… But it’s extra when drunk.”Taylah
  • “I spray paint objects in my house gold (crowbars, machetes, garden gnomes, top hats, shoes, keyboards, coins, cutlery). One time [I sprayed] my own own hands up to my elbows.”Joel
  • “Loudly talking about past traumas and embarrassing situations to anyone near me, then falling asleep on bathroom floors.”Nicole
  • “Half eating kebabs, falling asleep on the couch and then eating the rest of the kebab for breakfast.”Joab

So really, it could be worse. Just take care of yourselves, okay? It’s not much to ask.