Self-care is the buzzword of 2018. It’s really been the buzzword in terms of “me time” for years now – if you’re unfamiliar (wot), self-care is all about doing something *just* for you, that’s peak levels of relaxation and indulgence.

Most people go for the old faithfuls – a long bath, lying down in a tracksuit with a good book, or making a solo cheese platter in front of an old action flick you’re obsessed with.

But if you go deep, you can create a truly cooked self-care experience that is just completely batshit. Doing things you would rather never tell anyone you did.

We fielded some batshit self-care habits of friends, fam and colleagues – obviously delivered here with absolutely NO names beside them, since most of them are so fucked up and weird the people who swear by them are, frankly, terrified of being caught out.

Treat yourself, amirite?

“I eat mangoes in the shower. The juice gets washed away, and it’s just a really nice experience overall, especially in summer. You throw the peel out in the bathroom bin (just don’t leave it there, trust me). It is SO liberating to eat what is quite possibly the messiest fruit on earth, with NO MESS.”

“I sit down once a week to pee. I’m a guy. It’s a nice treat.”

“Sometimes when I’m super tired, I go to Ezymart and buy a pack of Cheeto Puffs OR Hot Cheetos and eat a whole pack in the bath with chopsticks.”

“I’ve only done it once, but buying a wheel of expensive brie and then eating it whole, like a sandwich.”

“Whenever I get drunk and I’m near my parents place, I go home and have a bath drunk.”

“Walking around my house, recklessly coughing with my mouth open.”

“I’ll sit down and cut all my cuticles off, as well as the dead skin around my nails. I think it’s really bad for you. But it feels SO DAMN GOOD.”

“When I’m feeling really needy and upset, I buy myself a new pair of pyjamas. As a result I have about 500 pairs of pyjamas.”

“A good nose pick. Just get it all out onto a tissue, end up with clean and fresh nostrils. Oooh, yeah.”

“My thing is cleaning my ears with one of those blackhead remover sticks.”

“I put on my  Sad Songs playlist and play Solitaire.”

“I’ll steam mop my entire floor. I don’t think you’re meant to steam mop floors as often as I do, but I don’t care.”

“I have a giant bowl of Coco Pops but instead of milk I put hot english breakfast tea in it.”

Sometimes i deliberately let my room get really messy so I can have a big satisfying clean on the weekend.”

“Watching a good porn. One with quality lighting and plot, you know?”

“Spending hours at a time cutting off all of my split ends.”

“My self care ritual is simple: beginning at roughly two in the afternoon, Istart cooking a huge elaborate meal, during which I am eating progressively larger portions of some edibles, I then eat the meal while watching home videos from the ’80s that people have uploaded to Youtube. I do a face mask, one of those pore strip things (even though they’re bad for me), and then I get in the bath and listen to podcasts about aliens. It’s quite straightforward.”

“One of my friends spends hours just dipping her hands into the weird Clag glue stuff you used in kindergarten so she can make the spiderwebs between her fingers. She’s 23.”

“Wearing a pore strip and face mask while watching prison documentaries.”

“My friend and I buy punnets of blueberries when we feel shit, and eat the entire thing. We call them ‘self-care blueberries'”.

“I’ll play Mario Kart just to do skids.”

“I’ll eat an entire container of that apple puree you give to babies, but using only my tongue.”

“Whenever I’m hungover I always end up going Kmart until I find the softest, fluffiest piece of bedding, hug it while I walk around the store, and then buy it.”

“Put my undies through the dryer in winter so they’re warm when I pop ’em on.”

“Fake tan, then lie on my bed naked in air conditioning (in summer ofc) and suck on one of those Hydralyte icy-poles”

“Don’t put my name on this, but sometimes I’ll feel a poo coming on and collect an old gossip magazine (my housemate is a hoarder) before heading to the loo. It’s weird but I find it enjoyable to read gossip from 2015 while doing a shit.”

“Wearing a pore strip and face mask while watching death row documentaries.”

“One of my ultimate ones is buying a large Maccas meal, drinking about 1/3 of the Coke then topping it off with bourbon. Because bourbon and coke out of a Maccas cup tastes infinitely better for some reason.”

Image: Parks and Recreation