Love Island Australia is almost over folks – which is wild to us because there are STILL people being sent into the villa. WHY. We don’t know, but we sure hope they stir up maximum drama. Last night saw Shelby and Jaxon have their first fight, Amelia and Josh score a night in The Hideaway, and in the most ridiculously dramatic climax of all, Eden ask Erin to be his girlfriend by way of a ceremony more suited to someone getting literally married.
Our Head of Editorial Josie‘s back on board to recap with moi (Mel, Senior Style & Features Editor) for this one bc it was a bloody doozy.
JOSIE: I just stomped back into to lounge room and said to Julien “I’ve got my period and I want a kit Kat chunky”. He said “okay”.
MEL: Hahahaha. He knows what he needs to do as a boyfriend. And that is to stay out of your way and give you anything you want.
JOSIE: Okay who is this Dom guy. I haven’t watched for at least a week.
MEL: Dom sucks. He’s a fuckboy, he also thinks he is hot shit. He’s not as bad as Grant per-se, but he is… not good.
JOSIE: I’ve never seen Amelia or Shelby in my life.
MEL: Yeah they’re very new. Amelia’s with Josh, they’re pretty secure as a couple. Shelby is with Jaxon, and I think things are gonna go to shit with them tonight.
JOSIE: I love that Eden needs subtitles after one too many vodka sodas. Also – “I’ve got my boys with me”, oh lord.
MEL: So I refuse to give this guy his real name btw. I just call him New Guy because I’m so sure he will be gone in a few days. Except it’s already been a week and HE HASN’T GONE ANYWHERE JOSIE, HOW. The one with he voluminous hair.
JOSIE: Ahh like John Jamieson and Sheryl. Some people don’t deserve their names. Omg Shelby going “WHY WOULD YOU SPOON ME JAXON?” after finding out he told the boys he wasn’t that into her. I’m laughing. Also why is Jaxon’s forehead 7 shades darker than the rest of his body.
MEL: Ok so firstly – yes, I have no idea how he’s sunburnt only his forehead over and over until it’s a medium-brown hue. Also, oh god this is so awkward with Shelby and Jaxon. He looks like a cornered feral cat.
JOSIE: Also last time I watched this no one liked Jaxon because he was only 5′ tall, and now he’s swinging his dick around and playing people?
MEL: Yep, life moves fast on Love Island, Josie. Hahahaha I can’t even with Shelby’s line “you’re a fake”. OFC HE IS A FAKE HIS LITERAL “NAME” IS TAKEN FROM A TV SHOW, SHELBY.
JOSIE: His name is literally Jeff Herschberg. And he’s like “I shall be Jaxon Hunnam”.
MEL: I do feel proper shit for Shelby, I’d push Jaxon off the cliff for that bullshit.
JOSIE: And he’d be easy to push since he is the size of a small bedside table.
MEL: I’d spray my water bottle directly into his microphone so he gets mildly but painfully electrocuted. But also – he’s just soooo intense you know? He’s talking to her like he’s being interviewed post footy match. No no, at half time. Like an overexcited coach.
JOSIE: And she looks utterly defeated like they’ve been together for 3 years, not 35 seconds.
MEL: She’s just become separated from her “fake” husband of 20 years Josie, have respect.
JOSIE: I’m so sorry. What was I thinking OMG YASSSS THE FUCKEN CAT IS BACK! My fave character!
MEL: You are 100% just here to see the cat.
JOSIE: I absolutely am. But I’m loving this ongoing and extremely overblown spat between Jaxon and Shelby.
MEL: Same it’s so stupid and great.
JOSIE: To be honest if I was there I’d be so fucking dramatic. I’d be slamming doors, screaming, crying, bitching scheming etc.
MEL: Totally, trapped in a house, I’d go completely loopy. Meanwhile this breakfast in bed bullshit is my worst nightmare, people being handsy all over my food. And they don’t know what they’re doing either, like let me just make my own eggs and toast. That would be romantic, if you would just let me do it and go sit in the corner silently.
JOSIE: They’re just slowly chopping bananas.
MEL: Oh nooo they’re writing awful cards in scrawly kid writing. Eden has done fairly well on the cooking side btw, 6/10.
JOSIE: Those eggs look as dry as a cardboard box. Wait what did I miss how are these people in actual love?
MEL: Yep, Eden and Erin are in love, same w/ Grant and Tayla. The rest have nothing. No one. They’re alone forever.
JOSIE: These ~vegan~ fruit and nut bowls are so depressing. No offence to vegans.
MEL: These CARDS are so depressing. Everything about this makes me never want a boyfriend again.
I’ll be over here making my own eggs properly minus salmonella poisoning and not dealing with soul destroying cards.
JOSIE: If someone brought me any of those fruit and nut bowls I would throw it on the garden like fertiliser. OMG JAXONS BREAKFAST. Also Jaxon this is not a poem it is a lame speech. Oh god, everyone is clapping awkwardly like school assembly.
MEL: Amazing bullshit.
JOSIE: If we were in Love Island we’d just be in the kitchen making our own proper eggs. We’d be boring until the drinks were poured and then we’d be screeching.
MEL: Omg Shelby. “He made me breakfast in bed so we are on the road to recovery”. Honey he was forced by producers to make brekkie in bed along with all the other men.
JOSIE: And forced to write you a heartfelt card. Oh my god all the girls working out – as if you would work out on this show. I would literally be lying on a deck chair being like “get it girls”.
MEL: Erin is just such a mood, every episode.
JOSIE: She is the best, I died over her rolling around in acute pain after one (1) push up. Can she have her own show?
MEL: I’m all about dramatic flailing when I’m forced to exercise.
JOSIE: Look at her left boob trying to escape RN. Her left boob wants its own show.
MEL: I’m so anxious for her nipple. It’s so close to the edge.
JOSIE: It was touch and go there.
MEL: HAHAHA Grant falling off that egg chair. I was just about to say “that is not a swingy chair” and then he stacked it.
JOSIE: Grant falling off that chair is such a vibe. Is it me or does Millie just hate everybody?
MEL: Millie hates everybody. She calls it “being picky” but I think she just hates life.
JOSIE: Like every bloke she’s been paired up with. She looks like she can smell cat poo constantly. (Maybe she can though, like maybe she’s sitting near Cosmo’s toilet).
MEL: Oh my god what is this “demasculating” convo between Dom and Josh, surely they’re taking the piss.
JOSIE: Mel I have lost 99% of my brain cells listening to Dom and Josh.
MEL: I lost my entire brain bye I’m dead.
JOSIE: I’m like one of those hysterical women in the 50s who they sent to get a lobotomy.
MEL: You’re that scary faced man in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. What’s his name. Eyebrows guy.
JOSIE: Jack Nicholson. One of the greatest actors of all time.
MEL Hahahaha. “Just * gesturing motion * THAT GUY”.
JOSIE: I feel demasculinated on Jack’s behalf.
MEL: Don’t you mean endmasculated. Emnansculetion. Can we interview these people and just convince them it’s an entirely different word? Embasculation.
JOSIE: Hahahaha. Mel I have a question. Do these people know they can receive a text and not bellow “OIYE GORT A TIXT” seven times afterwards?
MEL: Hahaha, Amelia got her first one yesterday and she screamed so loud I think even these people were scared. Omg I love that the hot “dates” are legit at a plastic table next to the pool.
JOSIE: Josh and Amelia’s legs are jiggling so much it looks like they need to wee.
MEL: Honest to god these people can ONLY speak about their relationships. I know they prob edit down some of the chit chat but like not even cute “OMG I LOVE TRUE CRIME PODCASTS TOO!” content?
JOSIE: Fully, I have fallen asleep c/o these convos. Also Mel it’s my dream for someone with a fake name to tell me he has strong-ish feelings for me, just like Jaxon did for Shelby. The romance.
MEL: Hahaha strong-ish. What a term. Everything Grant says makes me want to die, by the way.
JOSIE: My fave game is when these people say “I reckon we can work on the outside” and then trying to predict how many minutes they’ll stay together in the real world.
MEL: Oh yes let’s make bets. Grant and Tayla – 2 weeks. Erin and Eden – married.
JOSIE: Grant and Tayla – 2 weeks. Oh fuck hahaha brain twins.
MEL: Hahahaha! Let it be known we wrote that at the SAME DAMN TIME.
JOSIE: He’s so whipped. Eden is. Those two are actually insane. “You’re my best friend let’s have babies”? I didn’t say that to Julien for 7.5 years. Like I adore Erin but she’s mad.
MEL: Absolutely, as a cut snake. I want to say it’s the weird, warped Love Island villa world but also no these people are just mad.
JOSIE: Also in the real world she’s a nurse and that frightens me.
MEL: I would never trust Erin around me with a needle. She would start gasbagging and stab it into some Bad Vein or something.
JOSIE: She’d laugh maniacally and like stick it in your eye.
MEL: Meanwhile, there is no way New Guy and Millie are going to kiss or even touch. Omg Jaxon cornering Eden. I want to be sucked into my mattress. Like how that monster comes out of the mattress in American Horror Story, I want that thing to eat me.
JOSIE: Eden is so blokey, but then also absolutely gets his brows waxed.
MEL: Omfg have all the men dressed in suits for Eden to ask Erin to be his girlfriend? Is that actually happening?
JOSIE: And the girls have put on their highest heels.
MEL: When Tayla’s like “enjoy the moment” to Erin??? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
JOSIE: She prob thinks they’re getting engaged.
MEL: I mean, this is at engagement level.
JOSIE: And then he’ll be like “OIYE LUV YOUE ERIN WILL YOUE BOIYE MOIYE GURLFRIEND”.
MEL: This is ridiculous, it’s like American prom. Like those Laguna Beach episodes where they did the prom ask-outs.
JOSIE: Millie looks like she wants to projectile vomit off that balcony. Same doll, same.
MEL: Grant also looks like he wants to projectile but I’m sure it’s bc he isn’t getting the attention. I bet he’s pissed they got to do this and not him and Tayla.
JOSIE: 100%, Grant would be so cut. Also, “Love of my life”?? What the actual shit is happening. OMG HE’S GIVEN HER A BRACELET, I’M GAGGING.
MEL: Omfgggggg it’s one of those horrific tourist ones that doubles as an anklet. I legit had one in Greece I wore it as an anklet til it fell off at the beach after 3 days.
JOSIE: Honestly, they’ve already fucked, said I love you and talked babies. How is girlfriend / boyfriend the last step here.
MEL: This is fucking insane they did not get engaged, and everyone is hugging and making speeches.
JOSIE: I’ve seen less pomp and ceremony at actual weddings. With actual couples who have been together for actual years.
MEL: Grant legit wants to murder them all with poison wine for taking the limelight.
JOSIE: He’s absolutely the Game of Thrones character of the show. Just looking for someone to stab / poison / root.
MEL: Meanwhile, Josh and Amelia going to The Hideaway is moving fast even for Love Island standards.
JOSIE: Do they launder the sheets afterwards.
MEL: God I hope so.
JOSIE: Wow okay. They were standing up one second ago and now she’s in actual cowgirl position.
MEL: Omg the condom display. Just an array of condoms in an artistic statue form. Amazing.
JOSIE: Ok the end. I’m going to have a shower but not because I’m horny. Because that literally killed any libido I’ll ever have in the future.
MEL: Lol. RIP my interest in sex ever again. Also I can’t believe more people are coming in this week.
JOSIE: I thought this show was ending? How are they bringing in people?
MEL: What are they going to do with these people. It’s like Horny Jail IRL and there were too many horny crims, and now they’ve overflowed the jail.
JOSIE: I never want to go to horny jail if it means I have to talk to Eden. But I hope all the new people have fake names like Brax and Dax and Kirby and Français.
MEL: I hope the new people are called like Chastity and Brock.
JOSIE: Brick and Labia. OK BYE.
