Hooooo boy my friends! Last night’s Love Island Australia ep was a doozy and a half. This show, right? Can it CALM IT’S FARM A LITTLE! Except don’t, I love you Love Island and your constant high-pitch drama.

The big news from last night’s episode was Cassidy stomping all over sweet Josh‘s heart after just 24 hours as a couple. Absolutely zero people saw that coming. No one. None of us.

The episode starts with Cass having a suuuuper platonic, let’s-stand-400-metres-apart-to-seem-platonic chat with new guy Dom.

*maintain false sense of disinterest*

It’s all extremely “oh Josh???? Yeah haha hmmmm I mean he’s fine I guess idk who knows???” and there’s an exceptional bit where Cassidy, absolutely 400% knowing Dom generally goes for blondes with blue eyes (aka her), goes “but you like BRUNETTES right” and you just fucking know she’s aware he doesn’t.

Anyway, Dom leaves that convo getting the extremely obvious hints that Cassidy’s keen on him, so she’s added to his Lady Basket which also contains Millie and Francoise.

To her credit, Cass wastes zero time dumping Josh after this convo. I mean that seriously – she coooould have just strung him along (hello Grant) until the last bloody second of life, but after a frank chat with Erin she decides to bin him given her feels for Dom. Erin’s supportive but she’s also like what the actual FUCK is wrong with this chick.

I need more wine for this conversation

Erin also lets Eden in on the situation and he is piiiiiissed. They are literally like Mum and Dad when their troublesome teenage daughter keeps bringing home terrible boyfriends.

that’s it, she’s grounded

Cassidy then dumps Josh and you can pinpoint the second his heart rips in half.

i am dead inside

Everyone goes to bed and in the morning Cassidy is like “welp! All is fine now!” and flops down on the bed next to Grant and Jax, who are consoling a heartbroken Josh. Wild scenes. Grant is his usual pissbaby self – buddy, you have literally no leg to stand on when it comes to getting all high-horsey about people fucking over people in this villa, especially not CASSIDY. Who you dumped 2 hours before a re-coupling.

*hypocritical anger intensifies*

Anyway there’s this bit where Millie tells everyone she pees regularly in the pool.

“it’s free real estate”

Accompanied by this excellent producer-made moment that should be a meme about any time you’re just off your entire office.

I’m printing this for my wall sorry colleagues love u

There’s a borza convo between Jax and Mac where Jaxon basically beats her to the “let’s just be pals” punch. Who cares! I don’t, you guys are boring.

Then Dom gets a text – Australia‘s voted for him to go on a date with Francoise, but he gets to pick a second date with any girl in the villa. He, standard, chooses Cassidy who acts shocked in a Taylor Swift circa her entire career way – also known as “I totally fucking knew that would happen but I have to act humble lel”.

omg I can’t believe

Meanwhile what the fuck Francoise get that off your head.

did you just pin that on, what’s it even holding onto

Francoise and Dom go “souvenir shopping” and then drink a lot of cocktails. She self-deprecatingly acknowledges he didn’t ACTUALLY pick her and was forced on the date, and he’s all “yeah nah I would have picked ya if I wasn’t anyway”. Yeah… sure… ok.

Meanwhile Jaxon and Josh are still my favourite couple.

honestly more into this bromance than any of the love stories in the villa

Jax is fast becoming the Sex Pest of the villa which is sad, I had high hopes for that guy. After things fizzle with Mac he cracks onto Millie in the creepiest way possible. Seriously, she could NOT have been less keen on his strong advances.

“ohhh I thought you were inching away from me but I reckon the bed’s just on a slant hey”

Then Dom goes on a date with Cassidy and OF COURSE they basically fall in love. Ugh. IDK like sure, it’s the name of the game to figure out who you like but it’s extreeeeemely obvious Cassidy never liked Josh one iota, and used him to stay in the villa before unceromoniously dumping him 24 hours later when someone hotter came through. It’s all a bit ick. END SOAPBOX RANT.

Cassidy goes back and she’s all ooooo love him so much, Tayla of course uses the op to try and push “fanny flutters” on us all again, and Eden looked like he was going to murder Dom and put his limbs on the BBQ.

“where’s my axe”

He immediately tells Josh everything like this is primary school, and Josh is just… look.

RIP this guy’s soul seriously

Cassidy just continues to be THE WORST by then saying to Francoise “I don’t want to rub it in your face or anything, but I’m just smitten” – as though her having feelings negates anything Francoise and Dom had on their date. Oh my laaaawd.

Anyway, Dom chooses his partner and he picks Cassidy, who looks like she ate a bucket of clotted cream. He offers up a measly “sorry, Josh” while they embrace and it’s bloody awkward as shit, mates.

Buttt then they bro it out on the couch later and Dom says a bunch of “I’m not rushing into stuff with Cass lol she thinks we’re getting married chill out” stuff so Josh seems placated.

“So by taking it slow you mean 110% Cassidy will one day be mine again”

ANYWAY the episode ends with Tayla and Grant getting access to The Hideaway. But not before we have to endure Grant LITERALLY SHOVELLING pasta into his mouth like he’s The Beast in Beauty and The Beast during that porridge scene. It was complete with slurpy sounds and please do not.

dude

Weirdly, even though Tayla greeted him in a piece of sexy string, there was no sexy times footage which is pretty much the bread and butter of the UK show. WE’RE CREEPY VOYEURS, LOVE ISLAND! WE WANT TO WATCH PEOPLE FUCK!

Anyway the end bye til tomorrow.

Image: Channel Nine