Hoo boy, we’re down to the final four on Bachelor Australia and you could cut the tension with a knife, mates!
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Tonight saw fan favourite (if only bc of her batshit ways) Cass Wood get the boot and folks, it was a hard watch. Like, really difficult – we didn’t know we would get this emotional, ok? It shocked us. Elsewhere, Nick met everyone’s weird and ridiculous families, featuring plenty of grumbling men and flinty-eyed sisters.
As always, me (Mel, Senior Style and Features Editor) and Josie (Head of Editorial) are here to recap it all.
MEL: Look Josie I’m doing our Slurpee thing and you’re not here.
JOSIE: Look, it’s probably good for my health to drink a nice OJ now instead of a Slurpee. Even though I’m devastated.
MEL: Okay Cass has her own personal Saddle Club.
JOSIE: Everything she is saying is so unhinged. “HE KNOWS MY BROTHER!”
MEL: “One step closer”.
JOSIE: “I ALWAYS WANTED TO GET TO HOMETOWNS!” Mate you literally met in your hometown. It didn’t work. He pumped and dumped. Move the fuck along.
MEL: I can’t believe Cass is a horse girl and yet, I can’t believe I didn’t pick that Cass was a horse girl. OMG, CUCUMBER SANDWICHES.
JOSIE: Why is she pretending that she’s from Cambridgeshire, England? Oh yes here are my horses, oh yes here is some sparkling ice water. Let’s sit on a hay bale.
MEL: What on earth is this, country club hour?
JOSIE: I mentally tuned out. Who is that man with the dark hair?
MEL: A brother.
JOSIE: He’s cute.
MEL: Meanwhile, lot of hair bleach has been used on this family.
JOSIE: They are very peroxide. Meanwhile the brother is dark and swarthy.
MEL: Lol, Cass’ mum. She’s so spicy.
JOSIE: Oh my lord, Cass tried to manifest him on a vision board.
MEL: “You wrote his name on your wish board”. Good one, mum.
JOSIE: I like Honey Badger and all but can’t we aim a bit higher on our vision board? Chris Hemsworth? I don’t know. Mum is a huge mood though. She’s looking at him as lovingly as her daughter does. Is he going to make it out of this house alive?
MEL: They’re going to lock him in a dungeon. Hahahaha Cass is dying over this interrogation. She wants to crawl into the floor space under the house.
JOSIE: Finally she’s seeing her own unhinged self in the form of her mother. It’s a self reflective moment for her. Meanwhile Cass’ brother for next Bachie pls.
MEL: Yeah what a babe. This family just throwing Cass under the bus. I’d murder my sister if she told the nation I was in love when I was playing coy.
JOSIE: In what world is Cass playing coy haha.
MEL: Well she wasn’t SAYING she loved him! Is what I mean.
JOSIE: Also these hard-hitting “are you gonna keep her around” questions are dumb, he can’t answer this. It’s a TV show.
MEL: Yeah like hi scary sister, he can’t tell you she’s the one you moron. What, then the camera pans away after he says yes and that’s the show?
JOSIE: The production company would cut off his testicles with your mum’s garden shears if he gave away the plot. It’s not like a normal “meet the bf” scenario. Nick just held the brother so tenderly, I’m jealous. And also, I’m glad Cass didn’t say the L word.
MEL: Same it would have been so awkward.
JOSIE: Oh Jesus it can’t be an episode without a SPORTS DATE.
MEL: Lol ofc its a footy date for Brooke‘s hometown. HOW GOODS FOOTY.
JOSIE: Ah, the first words she uttered. Brooke is so tiny. She’s like 4 feet tall.
MEL: She’s so teeny!
JOSIE: A little pocket rocket. I love their horny tackling.
MEL: Same.
JOSIE: As someone who loves AFL players this is like being inside one of my sex dreams.
MEL: Oh god they’re having a beer. How very cOoL GiRL.
JOSIE: Omg Nick’s travelled back to 2003 to buy his gerberas.
MEL: Lol those were such servo flowers. Ohhhh my god I’m obsessed with Peter. That greeting, what an angel from heaven.
JOSIE: How is Tess not related to Brooke they look the same! She looks like a smunty version of her.
MEL: Tess looks so flinty. She looks like she’s metaphorically sipping tea.
JOSIE: She does doesn’t she. She’s being so judgey about it being a reality show. Doll your friend is the one who applied to go on the show? Poor Nick looks like he wants to face plant his spiral pasta. Omg he hadn’t even finished his food and she’s calling him off for a chat.
MEL: Hahaha fuck “leave your pasta please”.
JOSIE: She’s like BITCH WE’RE TAKING THIS OUTSIDE! Also is Tess sloshed on Margaret River Merlot y / n. She’s kinda swaying on the lounge.
MEL: This is not looking good for Brooke. He looks terrified of being Brooke’s rock. He looks like “no thanks pass”.
JOSIE: Oh shit. I always thought they were gonna get married. Slash already were married.
MEL: “Today has been such an amazing day” HAS IT? You threw a footy around, had a beer and then your fake boyfriend was mauled to death verbally by her family.
JOSIE: He survived the mauling by Tess. Meaning he passed an important test.
MEL: She’s such a pretty crier, I’m so jealous. I look like a hippo’s butt when I cry. Sophie time! Lol is she looking out to sea and he’s going to sneak up on her.
JOSIE: She’s wistfully looking at the ocean. It’s a real Jarrod Woodgate vibe. I love Nick’s fashion commentary in which he basically just loves everything they wear. Of course it’s another life threatening date! She’s a Cool Girl who drives a jet ski! Sure she could be decapitated at any moment but she lives for this shit!
MEL: She is really going hard for this cool girl bullshit.
JOSIE: If she produces a beer from her life jacket I’m going to eat my laptop.
MEL: More servo flowers!
JOSIE: Wow Sophie has 670 family members. This family is very pleasant.
MEL: So wholesome.
JOSIE: Serial killers, yeah?
MEL: Absolutely. Whole garden of bones.
JOSIE: Ohhh the dark haired one is her twin! I thought the blonde one was.
MEL: That is the worst pav. Not remotely whipped enough on the cream front. Oh god, and now they’re talking while the cream congeals. Absolutely destroying this pav.
JOSIE: That pavlova is going to be dreadful once served. Stop talking and start chopping strawbs you dipshits. Fucken cut open the passionfruit and start scooping.
MEL: WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE PAVLOVA!
JOSIE: Surely they could talk while they work. I’m so upset about this. The half arsed blueberry. I’m crying.
MEL: Omg there’s like 3 blueberries that made it on. This is a tragedy.
JOSIE: The three pieces of mango. I’m in stitches.
MEL: Ohhh poor Soph. She’s just trying to protect her heart.
JOSIE:She’s probably distracted by that terrible excuse for a pavlova as well. Oh look, he left without then serving it. Mrs Sophie just rolled her eyes, tsk-ed and threw the entire thing into the bin.
MEL: I can’t deal with this, my sister is my best mate and I don’t even think we have ever hugged, let alone giggled and said “I love you so much”. Affection is kicking the other in the shin and a side hug.
JOSIE: Oh my god if I tried to hug my brother he’d karate chop me. I’m sorry I like Sophie but I can’t relate to this “I struggle to open up” thing. I open up to the fkn barista each morning. The bus driver. The dog on its morning walk.
MEL: Hahahaha YES. Same. Brittany Time! Omg here we go with the “Nick was born here!” She’s fkn powering along that beach. That does not look relaxing. That looks like an anxiety pound of the sand.
JOSIE: Oh no, it’s some hired camels.
MEL: They are not native to Port Macquarie. Why are there camels.
JOSIE: I don’t care I love any animal content as long as it’s not a whale or spider. Side note what tan does she use I need to go tan tonight. I am so pale.
MEL: She’s very very tan. Aggressively so.
JOSIE: Yeah I’d dial it back half a notch.
MEL: These two are super natural together, I feel in my waters she’s the winner.
JOSIE: Absolutely yes. She’s like Brooke but an appropriate age. Omg love the dad. Terrifying. Geez he’s barely opened his beer and Tony has dragged him off. Is it me or does Tony have some serious big dick energy going on.
MEL: Tony, huge BDE.
JOSIE: Tony for next Bachie. Oh wait he’s married. But I’m obsessed with him. Because I agree with what he said about footy players being sleazos.
MEL: Same I’d be like oi give me a run down of your past relationships and any dalliances.
JOSIE: I feel for Nick, because he cannot say anything here, to any of these people.
MEL: Yeah, like he can’t be like don’t worry, I picked her by week 3.
JOSIE: Unless he can whisper it to Tony. The ultimate dad.
MEL: OMG Tony about Britt’s asshole ex. Tony is like I have a large knife waiting for Britt’s ex’s dick, by the way.
JOSIE: He’s basically like “I’d bash that cunt if I ever saw him down at the shops”. Britt’s mum is a lucky woman.
MEL: Meanwhile the brother is a mood. The flinty sip of beer.
JOSIE: Teamed with dramatic David Attenborough “there’s the lion” music. Tony’s like “excellent, I told him to ask these questions”. LOL at her sister “We all know from the internet. The World Wide Web told me Nicholas”.
MEL: But also like did you not know we know, Nick? About you and Cass on the outside? Nick we KNOW. WE KNOW EVERYTHING NICK. Ya big dummy.
JOSIE: Clearly this sister reads Daily Mail religiously. “Sources say, Britt!”
MEL: Ooft I can see why Britt has the shits here. Yesss confront him! I LIVE FOR CONFRONTATION.
JOSIE: Fucken yes! He finally admits he and Cass fucked “3 or so times”.
MEL: He is soooo not into Cass.
JOSIE: I actually think it’s good that Cass wasn’t sitting around the mansion being like “I FUCKED HIM SO MANY TIMES”. Don’t you? That would be so smunty.
MEL: Absolutely!
JOSIE: Cocktail hour! I love these later rose ceremonies where everyone sits separately glaring at each other.
MEL: Ooft Britt looks like the flintiest flint face of Flintville. Her entire outfit screams I will fuck you up.
JOSIE: She’s so pissed off AHAHAHAA THAT HUG! The flinty vodka soda sip I am LIVING. THE DEATH GRIP!
MEL: The terrifying small smile!
JOSIE: THE DAVID ATTENBOROUGH “LION KILLING A GAZELLE” MUSIC.
MEL: THE DRAMATIC SMOKY EYE TO ACCENTUATE EVERY MURDEROUS GLARE!
JOSIE: Britt is just like “JUST TELL ME HOW MANY TIMES HIS PENIS WAS IN YOUR VAGINA SO HELP ME GOD, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY”.
MEL: Ohhhhh poor Cass.
JOSIE: Poor Cass. He boned her and then ghosted her, and she can’t put a name to it. Fuckkkk this is spicy as fuck though.
MEL: I feel like Cass and Britt had such a cute friendship and now it’s ruined, it’s making me sad.
JOSIE: I can see both their POVs, though. Oh god, now Cass has to reveal she’s boned on telly.
MEL: Ohhh god this is brutal, she doesn’t want to tell the entire world who she fucked.
JOSIE: BRITTANY FOR FUCK’S SAKE THEY HAD SEX. MOVE ON.
MEL: Legit like it’s so fucking obvious we do not need harassment hour ok. This rose ceremony is the first one with weight to it. I’m so stressed.
JOSIE: I want to projectile vomit. Britt looks so furious. Also they’ve all been hanging out post show so clearly she’s not that mad, lol,
MEL: PHEW. I need them to have mended the bridge. This is so much. Cass and Britt.
JOSIE: I’m so tense. Surely Cass is gone.
MEL: That upsets me, even though she needs to go.
JOSIE: Osher is going to have to be wheeled in. He will be weak with grief at this point.
MEL: My heart!!! Poor Cass.
JOSIE: Britt’s hug is more like a headlock haha.
MEL: Fuck Britt straight up wanting to murder Cass is a mood and a half.
JOSIE: Oh god it’s heartbreaking. I’m crying. Is this normal. Am I okay.
MEL: I’m kind of crying tbh and I’m not even a crier. She’s so pure. The poor egg. Oh god she’s so sad.
JOSIE: So openly sad. My heart hurts.
MEL: She’s properly heartbroken. This is so nice. He’s being very lovely about it. Word to all men – just be honest but sandwich it in kind words about how hot and amazing we are.
JOSIE: I have had this chat, and it fucken sucks.
MEL: It fucking suuuucks.
JOSIE: I feel bad for literally everyone involved. Thanks Bachie for making me feel so shit. Also lol, Leroy always knows when Im upset hahaha. ITS OKAY MATE ITS A DUMB REALITY SHOW.
MEL: Hahahahaha!
JOSIE: This is a stronggggg Top 3 tbh.
MEL: I can’t pick it! Can’t wait for next week.
Like reading us ramble on about Bachie? Come listen to us ramble on about TRUE CRIME and AUSSIE MYSTERIES on our podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. Listen in iTunes, Spotify, or below!
