It brings me extreme displeasure to single-handedly ruin everyone’s innocent childhood memories of the sweet, fat, honey-loving bear Winnie the Pooh by announcing the trailer for Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey has been released. It is vile and nightmarish and I think a little bit of wee came out the first time I watched it TBH.

Before we unpack the ghastly trailer, it must be known that I’m not a horror movie fan. There is a solid chance that folks who enjoy watching people getting hacked to death and/or tortured may find the trailer good. They might even go as far to tell their mates: “God, I can’t wait to see the grotesque Winnie the Pooh slasher film, in which Pooh and Piglet go feral and slaughter people,” which is fine. I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum.

However, I am here to share the trailer for said Winnie the Pooh slasher movie.

I’m screaming, crying and throwing up. I had to close my laptop and sit on the couch with my head in my hands for two minutes, while I let out the biggest sigh ever. I genuinely made myself a peppermint tea and gave my cat a hug.

First things first: congrats to Christopher Robbin for getting engaged! I hope him and his fiancée Mary enjoy a solid 25 minutes of happiness before they’re both massacred by a blood-thirsty pig.

With that out of the way, we can once again focus our attention on the trailer. The unsettling music box tune sent a shiver up my spine, as did the Hundred Acre Woods sign written in blood. Dare I say it, when Christopher and Mary were walking in the woods, nothing was too out of the ordinary. It was a “does what it says on the lid” horror movie intro.

But then we learn that, like my childhood, Eeyore is dead. I cannot believe they got him. Yes, he was a miserable little grey bastard, but does he deserve to die for that? I would argue not.

The Trailer For The Evil Winnie The Pooh Slasher Film Has Dropped & BRB, Calling My Therapist
RIP Eeyore. Gone too soon. Picture credit: Jagged Edge Productions / Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey / Rhys Waterfield.

Then big ol’ Winnie the Pooh, who is inexplicably wearing a flanno shirt, grabs Mary’s head and crushes it with his bare (and also bear) hands.

Next, a group of five unsuspecting girls rock up to, quite frankly, a gorgeous little house in the English countryside. I’m assuming they were seeking some much-needed R&R which, sadly, never happened.

We then see Pooh and Piglet creeping up behind one of the girls while she’s relaxing in the jacuzzi, before shoving a cloth in her face soaked in what we can only assume is chloroform.

It’s at this point that all hell breaks loose and the other girls discover something freaky and silly and goofy is going on. “GET OUT” is written in blood on the windows, there is some sort of creature roaming around outside, et cetera.

The Trailer For The Evil Winnie The Pooh Slasher Film Has Dropped & BRB, Calling My Therapist
Not a fan of this TBH. Picture credit: Jagged Edge Productions / Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey / Rhys Waterfield. 

Not to be a negative Nancy but how TF have Pooh and Piglet gained the sentience to understand what chloroform is and how to write?

Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey‘s director Rhys Waterfield told Variety the film is about a grown-up Christopher Robin abandoning his childhood mates Pooh and Piglet, who’ve gone feral and tapped into their primal roots.

Animalistic urges or not, as far as I know, pigs and bears don’t know how to drug people. I’d also pay good money to see a little piggy pick up a pen (or blood-covered stick) with its trotter. I hope this major plot hole is addressed in the film.

The rest of the trailer is fucking vile, with a lot of blood, Piglet smashing a girl’s head open with a mallet in the pool, some sort of gun fight in front of a fire and a girl bound by rope who’s about to be run over by a car.

Waterfield was able to create this monstrosity because A.A. Milne‘s original Winnie the Pooh stories went into the public domain earlier this year, meaning anyone can take the works and reimagine them.

But IMO just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. What’s the harm in letting nice, cute thing stay that way?

If anyone dares to lay a single finger on Disney’s masterpiece The Aristocats, which has held a warm, beautiful place in my heart since I saw it as a wee child, I will cut sick.

Source: Jagged Edge Productions / Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey / Rhys Waterfield