It feels like an age since the last episode of The Voice one week ago, don’t it? Carmen was kicked off for some dubious Guy Sebastian related rule-breaking and her mentor Joel Madden was accused of being drunk in an unrelated incident. Tonight we’ll witness round two of the Live Finals featuring contestants from Team Keith and Team Joel, but this shouldn’t prevent Seal from making you and me feel mega awkward by acting like a huge creep. Host Darren McMullen‘s in his black suit and fresh spray tan – it’s time to begin…
7:39pm: First up we are learning the fate of the competitors who performed last week to see if they’re going through to the next round. Four will stay in (two voted in by the Australian public and two hand picked by the mentor). Team Seal are first on the chopping block.
7:41pm: Two of Seal’s girls went through first with the Australian public making some acceptable choices which makes for a nice change. The likeable Emma Louisde and blues screamer Karise go through first. Can we quickly talk about Seal’s outfit? He’s wearing a white shirt that might as well not have been buttoned at all considering how much of his gleaming chest we’re copping eyefuls of right now, in addition to the fact the shirt sleeves have FINGERLESS GLOVES built into them. This is new.
7:49pm: I’ve already forgotten who Seal actually chose because I was so caught up trying to figure out what the fuck his shirt is all about. The members of Team Delta who went through are the Russian, the Blind girl as chosen by the public, then Delta chose her old backup singer (questionable!) and the dark haired older female who sang an Eighties power ballad last week. Shit you guys. I’m not doing such a great job tonight. “Backup singer”, “older female”. You know who I mean.
7:53pm: On to the exciting part of the night: SEAL’S CHEST! Kidding. I mean the performances of course. The first person to take the stage is the elder statesmen of Keith’s team, Darren. “He looks like he should be in the new Wiggles,” my boyfriend observes. Joel who isn’t super drunk tonight but is wearing a sleeveless leather vest -_- just told Darren that he’s one of his favourite contestants in the show. Delta, who I must say is looking infinitely chicer than her disgrace of an outfit/hair from last week, makes sweeping movements with her arms as she yells “you’re just so easy to love!” at Darren.
7:56pm: Keith thought he could see the nerves coming through in Darren’s performance tonight but it’s up to you, Australia. I hate it when McMullen says that. God he looks tan tonight.
7:59pm: I’ve got to say I’m psyched to see Seal’s reaction when the babes on Team Joel perform tonight. Things are going to get erect!
8:02pm: We’re checking in with Fuzzy in ‘the V room’. Groan. She announces that ‘Darren Percival’ is trending worldwide.
8:03pm: “I think that bar none Prinnie is Australia’s answer to Beyonce,” is Joel’s outrageous claim about his first performer. In fairness, once the number starts Prinnie looks super cute in a sparkly green Emma Mulholland dress and she’s got BACKUP DANCERS (decked out in Emma Mulholland gear) which is awesome and a first as far as I can remember. In the voice department she has nowhere near the power of Beyonce’s voice but she is a really good performer.
8:07pm: Delta keeps talking about Prinnie’s “laneway” in her adjudication. Mate, what the f*ck’s a “laneway”? But hang on, now Joel has just said “Prinnie is in a LANE all of her own.” Seriously is this an industry term or are these jokers just really bad with nouns?
8:14pm: Next up is Adam Martin, one of Keith’s dudes. He has vertical hair.
8:15pm: Adam and Keith speak in the same “yeah-man-cool-dude” vernacular. It’s quite adorable. Adam is performing the Black Keys song “Lonely Boy” with a guitar tonight and a vintage style leather jacket. Even though this kind of guy is a dime a dozen in singing contest reality shows he’s kind of adorable with his strong eyebrows. Keith gives him a standing ovation. “Yeah man!”
8:19pm: Seal is impressed with Adam, and Keith loved him too. Seal has taken off his jacket giving us a better look at this absurd shirt.
8:25pm: The next performer is Sarah De Bono the big voiced pocket rocket with massive red hair. She’s singing “Listen” that song from Dreamgirls and if Joel’s swaying and toothpick-chewing enthusiasm is anything to go by she’s doing a bang up job.
8:31pm: Is anyone else sensing some bitchy hostility between Darren McMullen and Delta tonight? He just cut her off and she got kind of “don’t worry I was finished talking!” passive-aggressive like. A highlight of the night so far.
8:35pm: Ordered Thai food. Home delivery. Zing!
8:36pm: When Darren McMullen says things like “Are you guys ready to rock in here?” I feel like punching myself in the face.
8:37pm: Next up for Team Keith is Jimmy Cupples who you can tell is the kind of guy everyone calls Jimmy Cupples and not just Jimmy. He’ll be singing “Sweet Child O Mine” by Guns n Roses. Put your hand up if you’ve ever butchered that little rock gem in karaoke? *Raises hand*
8:39pm: Jimmy Cupples has gone the risky route of taking one of the most awesome romantic rock song of all time and “making it his own”. Never try to make it your own. Unless you are Richard Cheese.
8:40pm: Is it just me or has Seal done up a few of his buttons since the last ad break?
8:41pm: Seal thinks Jimmy Cupples was just okay. Keith has commended Jimmy Cupples’ artistic choices and having the balls to make them. No Keith. Not if the artistic choices are bad. I’m pretty sure Australia is not voting for Jimmy Cupples.
8:45pm: Joel’s contestant Ben is performing next. He is singing a lame sounding song called “Lego House” which opens with the line We’ve got to pick up the pieces / and build a Lego house. I’m sure whoever wrote it is a millionaire. Ben sounds alright, but he just doesn’t have a particularly stand out voice or the x factor. Delta is giving him a standing ovation of course. Idiot.
8:55pm: Up next? Taga, who mentor Keith loves because he’s got a beautiful heart. Bless. Taga will be performing that Jason Derulo song that uses the sample from Toto’s “Afrika”.
8:57pm: I just yelled “WHAT!??” as three youths lept onto the stage and started breakdancing?!? Taga has done a decent job but I’m not that blown away by his voice to be honest. Seal loves Taga’s voice but NOT THE BREAKDANCING CHILDREN??? Seal’s a moron. Just look at that bloody shirt.
9:05pm: Uh oh you guys. Joel’s next contestant is Laura Bunting who is singing “Somebody That I Used To Know”. Don’t upset Gotye’s 58million YouTube fans, Laura.
9:07pm: I get what Laura’s trying to do, which is be interesting and unique i.e. making stink eyes at the camera and not wearing shoes on stage, but this is a trainwreck. Her pants are terrific. That’s about it. Josh Goot, can I please have a pair darling?
9:17pm: Back to Team Keith and his next performer Diana who cannot be afraid to be sexy. She’s singing “Love On Top” and is wearing an apricot shorts suit with a black bowtie. She’s a delight. This has been one of the most enjoyable performances to watch so far tonight. Especially after the nightmare that was Laura.
9:20pm: “Dare I say it: performance of the night?!” says my boyfriend spooning Tom Yum soup into a bowl for me. I think I have to agree.
9:31pm: Laykn AKA Matt Corby was not good at all tonight. I’ve seen high school choir boys give far more engaging performances singing “Eagle’s Wings”. In the pre-performance footage Laykn said something along the lines of “I’ve just got to stay true to Lakyn” so has started referring to himself in third person which is a concerning development. He did a really half-asleep performance of Alphaville’s “Forever Young” and THEN backchatted Seal when he quite rightfully criticised him. Don’t get me wrong, Seal was being a COMPLETE dick about it, but Laykn’s shitty attitude needs improvement. You’re not Matt Corby yet, pal.
9:42pm: Brittany is the last performer to take the stage and well BOOBIES. Her cleavage is out in force tonight. Fortunately, so is her voice. She sings very prettily with a smile on her face the whole time. Keith will love this because you can tell Brittany’s really “feeling this song” tonight. The judges are all fairly stoked with her performance. A good way to finish the night.
9:48pm: Ugh. Actually Darren McMullen’s orange face is how we’re ending the night. Tone down the tan next week Darren. That’s another night done and dusted. Give me your thoughts on the show and the contestants (and their outfits) in the comment section below.