You know what’s NOT 12 years a slave? Liza Minelli‘s bosom. Liza cares not for supportive undergarments; she prefers to let the girls flop freely while distracting your attention with a smear of blue hair mascara. The blue silk-satin pant suit that is glorified pajamas and her wildly unchic sensible shoes only add to Minelli’s zero-phucks legend status, and she should be worshiped accordingly.
With her wife Ellen DeGeneres holding the reins for the ceremony Portia Di Rossi is like the PLOTUS of this year’s Oscars and has opted for an appropriately elegant yet subtle Naeem Khan creation in lace with stunning detail. She accessorises with strategically arched hair to make her eyebrows.
Olivia Wilde is a glowing pregnant angel in custom black velvet Valentino with ivory accents to match handsome personified AKA Jason Sudeikis in Prada.
Tiny Kristen Bell maintains high levels of adorability in a grey Roberto Cavalli with hem layers carefully ruffled to look like artful vaginas.
Anna Kendrick gamely attempts to recreate the Angelina Jolie’s Right Leg moment in a confused J Mendel look. Sadly, underestimated the correct split height to achieve this look (it MUST skim the vagina). That’s the second look in a row where I’ve reference vaginas. More to come!
Amy Adams goes for a reliably Amy Adams choice with a form-fitting navy Gucci column matched with rhodochrosite, lapis and turquoise earrings from Tiffany & Co.
WTF.
Short suits (even those designed by Lanvin) aren’t okay at the Oscars, it doesn’t matter how many hit songs of 2013 you had a hand in (including one Oscar-nominated one).
That’s better. Chiwetel Ejiofor and his gorgeous girlfriend Sari Mercer look great.
Olga Kurylenko looks gorgeous in an Eco-Friendly raspberry gown designed for sustainable fashion initiative Red Carpet Green Dress. Mind you, she could wear a sack of pigs ears and look magnificent.
Jessica Biel wastes her chance to wear Chanel Couture by picking this boring beige item. Amazing Tiffany & Co. diamonds, though.
Charlize Theron silently casts shade and death stares in black Dior.
Ladies and gentlemen, a true movie star: Cate Blanchett in Armani Prive and a zillion dollars worth of Chopard jewels.
Karen O is nominated for Best Song, but she is also an early contender for Best Black Red Carpet Look. She wears Camilla Staerk and a fabulous Art Deco-style clutch by Rauwolf NYC.
Lupita Nyong’o floating on a silk georgette cloud of Prada pleating.
Yes.
Jared Leto shows off his on-trend ombre locks against his white tuxedo jacket, like a beautiful unicorn that has dipped its mane in a muddy river.
Sally Hawkins beautifully complements her Blue Jasmine co-star Cate Blanchett in this intricately beaded Valentino gown and double-take-worthy PJ Harvey steez.
Kerry Washington makes a rare red carpet misstep by opting for a custom Jason Wu frock in the wrong colour.
Heaven put out a missing person’s ad for Naomi Watts. The woman is a chic angel in Calvin Klein Collection.
Meryl Streep is lovely looking like the Mature Thespian that she is.
… she later executed an internationally televised shimmy with Pharrell and looked nothing like a Mature Thespian.
GIF via Vulture
Don’t feel too bad about your Oscar snub, Michael B Jordan. You are, after all, wearing Daft Punk as shoes.
John Legend is classically suave and his Sports Illustrated model-partner Chrissy Teigen wears an explosion of cherry blossoms courtesy of Monique Lhuillier.
Jennifer Lawrence wears Christian Dior, as predicted. Great colour, tired style and problematic hair. But who even cares. She’s Jennifer Lawrence.
Emma Watson references Gwyneth Paltrow’s gothic-inspired 2002 Oscars red carpet cock-up in underwhelming Vera Wang.
Anne Hathaway looks really good in her chic Gucci breastplate.
Julia Roberts wears layered black Givenchy lace.
Penelope Cruz is your bridesmaid in soft pink Giambattisa Valli chiffon; sadly forgot to bring your husband and hers, Javier Bardem.
Camila Alves wears yards of soft pink jersey by Gabriela Cadena and her man, her king Matthew McConaughey.
Lady Gaga is at the Oscars. Her severe Atelier Versace look makes me nostalgic for the Meat Dress.
Jennifer Garner wears spangly Oscar de la Renta with layers of silver fringe. Lady behind her wears dagger-like stare because Jennifer stole her hairstyle.
Brad and Queen Jolie in 29-pounds of beaded Elie Saab Couture.
Kate Hudson turns it out in caped Atelier Versace. The only thing missing is her lips.
Gabourey Sidibe wears a frock rendered in fuchsia bougainvillea petals.
Looking incredibly regal, Sandy is putting the Queen in Alexander McQueen tonight. She’s really stepped up her red carpet game this season.
It’s awesome how Bill Murray‘s like “oh right I forgot to get my tux dry cleaned and pressed after having it scrunched in my sock drawer for the last eight months.” then wears it anyway.
Enablers = the continued presence of this facial hair.
Who looked the best/worst/most like an Award/most likely to have received last minute injectibles?
All images via Getty Images.
