Hoooooooooly dooly, tonight was A LOT. I feel like for the first time in ever I’m excited for tomorrow’s episode of The Bachelor Australia, because MY FAVOURITE HAS RETURNED. Let’s get into it.

Josie, Head of Editorial at PEDESTRIAN.TV, couldn’t squeeze in today’s Bachie recap unfortunately, so you’re stuck with me. Sorry!!! I’m Steff, and the last time I did a full recap was the Honey Badger‘s finale. I was so scarred – I literally titled it “What the fuck just happened?” – I never did one again… until now, and – fucking hell, tonight’s episode is two hours long.

Aight, strap in.

To kick things off, Jimmy has taken Holly Kingston on a single date to the goooooorgeous West Head Lookout.

Look at this!!!

The Bachelor Australia
I haven’t been to a beach in eons HhahaHAHAHahahhaHAh.

Jimmy tells us that he and Holly had a fab start, but it all went south after his sister – whose name I’ve forgotten and shan’t google cos I have two hours of Bachie to watch here – told him that she has conflict resolution issues. Also, people think she’s a cunt. Hate it when that happens.

Our fave pilot tells Holly why this particular spot means so much to him – family, childhood memories, blah, blah, blah. Then they head into the bush and the producers force them into the freezing cold water for some cute b-roll shots.

ROMANCE.

Okay, I looked away for three seconds and now they’re making out in the water. Date’s going well!

Wham, bam, she gets a rose.

The Bachelor Australia
I might pick up some roses from Coles tonight, as a little treatie.

NEXT.

Because of how well (read: not well) that whole dinner went with his sister and cousin Lisa – I still can’t remember the sister’s name – Jimmy has invited another family member to meet the gals. HIS MOTHER, Susan.

Susan has the sort of stern look that makes my asscheeks sweat. She’s so serious, she calls Jimbo, JAMES.

Mum’s also a psychologist, so gooooooood luck to the gals.

I straightened my posture taking this screenshot.

There are only eight women left, so Susan’s gonna have a wee chat to all of them. First up is Holly, Carlie, and Ash. And it’s foooooken AWKWARD because Susan’s like, “Where do you connect with Jimmy?” and so, one by one, they pitch their relationship to her, in front of each other.

I couldn’t even take a screenshot, I was cringing into my sweater. And before I could, Susan moved onto the next (very spicy) question: who’s not here for the right reasons?

Très intéressant!

Holly pipes up immediately and ever so politely takes a smelly dump on Steph.

The Bachelor Australia
IT’S STEPH, IT’S STEPH, IT’S STEPH – SHE SUCKS.

Hmmmm, says Susan before we move onto our next batch of girlfriends – TahneeJay, and Lily. 

All three gals are basically conflict free at this point, so they get about 0.3 seconds of airtime before we land on Laura and STEPH.

I’m sorry, but Susan is TERRIFYING.

Susan asks Steph to pick a number between 0 and 100 to represent how committed she is to the ~ journey ~, and Steph awkwardly laughs like one would when they’re like ‘haha what the fuck haha’.

After some prefacing, Steph answers with the number “75” because, ya know, she’s committed but she doesn’t want to get hurt.

Susan is UNAMUSED. She puts on her psych hat and diagnoses Steph with holding-back syndrome.

Oh, and then Steph’s ex-boyfriend comes up, who she gasses up to the mother of her current boyfriend, which is certainly… a choice.

So then Susan’s like, “Well, how does James compare to him?”

The Bachelor Australia
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Steph’s gob is full of food, so she takes a moment to think about how she wants to make this situation worse, and then ummms and ahhhs herself through a train-wreck of a non-answer.

Laura’s just sitting there like, ‘Oh hun, you’ve fucked it.’

Susan goes FULL PSYCH and throws Steph’s words about her ex back at her. She basically asks Steph if she still has feelings for her ex, to which Steph is like ‘nah, I just think warmly of him.’

Yeah, so Susan’s not a fan. And she says as much to Jimmy when they meet for a debrief afterwards.

Holly? TICK. Lily? TICK. Carlie? TICK.

Steph? LMAO. Susan tells James that she doesn’t thinks she’s over her ex.

‘Ahhhh, crap.’

So then Jimmy-boy-James starts to piece together the puzzle. His sister and cousin Lisa already had issues with Steph, and now Mum’s off her too.

BRING ON THE COCKTAIL PARTY.

Things we’re gonna skip because it’s only been 30 minutes: Carlie got some one-on-one time after impressing Mum. She gets a rose.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME: Jimmy pulls Lily aside to talk about Steph and before he can even mention her name, Lily just straight-up name-drops her as someone who might not be around for the right reasons.

According to Lily, Steph said on night one that if things don’t work out she’ll just get back together with her ex.

The Bachelor Australia
Oh.

And then Jimmy, the sneaky bitch, pulls Tahnee aside to ask the exact same question. And he gets the exact same answer. AND SOME MORE, because Jimmy wants to know if anyone else is there for the wrong reasons, so Tahnee accuses JAY???????????????????????????????? of saying, “I would like to finish runner-up because I heard that they do better.”

YELLS. If this was anybody else, I’d be like whatever, but JAY!!!! I do the Bachie exit interviews and everyone so far has said Jay is an absolute darling and the nicest person ever. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

Jimmy’s pissed off and why wouldn’t he be? Jay! JAY. JAAAAAAY.

So Jimmy starts ranting to his girlfriend Tahnee about his other girlfriends because he feels super blindsided.

Hwat hte ufck!?

But before Jimmy can even deal with the Jay bombshell, he needs to talk to Steph first. And he does, he drops all the intel from his mummykins…and then Jimmy’s voice fades out and is replaced by some Steph overlay, like THIS.

The Bachelor Australia
Peace out, motherfuckers!!!!

If this isn’t me in lockdown 6.3.

I don’t even know what’s going on in that picture, but Steph knows she’s going home so she starts crying. And then Jimmy’s like, ‘From what people have told me, it sounds like you’re still in love with your ex.’

AND THEN STEPH SCOFFS AND SAYS, “HAS ANYBODY TOLD YOU ABOUT HOW SHIT HOLLY IS?”

HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh Steph. That really loosened my juices.

Jimmy’s done – he asks Steph if she just wants to call it a day and she does. And then she storms out of the cocktail party.

‘YER ALL CUNTS’ – Steph, probably.

And that’s how it – oh, it’s a double episode. Ah, ffs.

Alright, strap back in.

Okay, we’re going glamping now on a group date! But there’s a bit of tension – Jay’s suss on Tahnee for spreading a certain rumour about her. With Steph gone, Tahnee has the target on her back now.

I’m just going to fast forward to the drama, cos every time a body language expert drops in on a group date I vomit out of my eyeballs. So we’re skipping it.

Fast forward a bunch and the gals and Jimmy are playing Never Have I Ever around the campfire. What could go wrong!?

So then of course Jimmy’s like, “You can drink if you think somebody here has bullshitted me” and everrrrryonneeeee takes a sip.

The Bachelor Australia
Crickets are literally chirping in the background.

“In more ways than one,” Tahnee says, mysteriously,

SO THEN, Jay’s like, “Never have I ever made up a rumour in the house about a girl that wasn’t true.”

BOOM.

Everybody stares at Tahnee.

Jimmy inevitably pulls Jay aside the next day to ask her about the whole ~ rumour ~ and Jay completely denies it. They talk it out and Jimmy believes her, but now he’s confused about Tahnee.

Jimmy’s going through it, hey?

Skip, skip, skip – it’s cocktail party in the bush time! Jimmy and Jay are on their way back from their time together and Jimmy tells Jay to let it be – as in, don’t start drama.

Jay does the opposite of that, ofc, because she’s sick of the rumours!!! So when the girls are standing around the heater in what is the most AWKWARD huddle I have ever seen, Jay just comes out with it.

But so does Tahnee! She’s confident that Jay said the whole runner-up thing, plus more, and is suuuuuuuuuper offended that Jay thinks she’s lying.

“I was right next to you!” Tahnee says.

Jay starts crying, Tahnee doesn’t – she sticks to her guns – so Jay gets the fuck out of there.

The Bachelor Australia
Hate to be Jay right now.

And then Tahnee starts crying because she doesn’t want people to think she’s a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Hate to be Tahnee right now.

Finally, after almost two hours, it’s rose ceremony time.

I mean, I think we all know the way this is going to go. Of course it comes down to Jay – woman who has had to squash two rumours – and Tahnee – woman who is either telling the truth or lying.

And the rose goes to?

Jay, of course. 

The Bachelor Australia
Reallllllly hate to be Tahnee right now.

And we’re finally do -HOLY SHIT BROOKE COMES BACK. SHE’S IN THE PREVIEW FOR TOMORROW’S EPISODE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

SHE’S BACK BABY!!!!!

(Josie will also be back tomorrow!!!)

The Bachelor Australia airs 7.30pm, Wednesdays and Thursdays on Channel 10.