8 Things From Stormi’s Birthday That Would Have Seen My Soul Leave My Body

Kylie Jenner loves a birthday party, and her celebrations for daughter Stormi are never an exception. But this year for Stormi World, I think the woman has properly lost her mind.

See, Stormi World this year was scarier than ever. I don’t mean scary like OTT-scary or wow-so-much-spent-money-scary, I mean downright Halloween vibes horrific.

Remember this is a party for a two year old – like, go with some choo choo trains or that butterfly motif you love, you know? Whatever, just normal kid stuff. Not a dark dungeon you enter into via the monstrous mouth of your own CHILD.

I’ve rounded up the eight most terrifying moments from Stormi World via Kylie’s Insta for you. RIP your dreams tonight, pals.

1. The Mouth Entrance

As I said, you literally have to walk into Stormi’s mouth to get to her birthday party. There is fundamentally no way to make that anything less than horrific. You can’t do it! It’ll never look cute! I know it’s connected to her dad Travis Scott‘s album or some shit but I simply don’t care. No one asked for this, least of all Stormi.

2. Adult Stormi’s With Giant Heads

Continuing with the no-one-asked-for-this theme were the adult sized Stormi’s with fucking giant bonces. One of my primary fears in life is people in suits where you can’t see their faces, but surely the pinnacle of this is a human being with an enlarged cartoon head plopped on top of their own, but their regular arms/legs. NO THANK YOU PLEASE.

Also, what child is like, yes I want to see myself as I am now, except with soulless eyes and also as a giant adult person? Adults are already scary to kids, how terrifying would a BABY ADULT be to them.

3. This Fucking Cake

I don’t even know where to begin here. There’s the disembodied Stormi head, which is like giving your child a glimpse at a dystopian future where she loses her body and turns into a mechanical spider. There’s the rainbow which is meant to be flowing freely from her mouth but looks actually like brightly coloured rods have been shoved down her throat. It’s a lot.

Let’s not even start on the macarons, the worst sweet in existence. Why give a baby a macaron pile? It’s not even cutely displayed, someone just dropped some macarons in a bowl in front of the heinous cake. Christ.

4. This Child-Sized Bin

Look, on it’s own this wouldn’t scare me. But combined with everything else I can’t help but think these bins exist purely for disposing of your kids when they’ve had too much sugar and you don’t like them anymore.

5. A Sea Of Dead-Eyed Stormi Pillows

I love to float in a terror-inducing sea of my own face, where my eyes say “a Dementor was here 5 minutes ago”.

6. The Mechanical Spider, Except Make It The Size Of A House

I mean, we saw this on the cake but hey! Let’s also make a TENT-SIZED VERSION to really scare the bejeesus out of our tiny, impressionable babies!

7. This Stupid Troll

Again, people in costumes horrify me. But sure, some kids like them. Did we have to go with trolls, though? Especially this alarming-looking troll? It looks like it’s ready to eat the kid whole.

8. The Petrified Forest Of Doom

I see where Kylie Jenner was going here – let’s make an enchanted forest! How cute! Except with the blue lighting and dark tent atmosphere it’s less Sleeping Beauty, more Walk Toward Mordor.