Taking an Uber can be a fraught experience. You want to leave a good impression on the person driving you around, but you also want to get from A to B without having to share intimate personal details in order to appear like someone who can uphold their end of a conversation.
So bless this New York Uber driver, who we know only as Arielle. She’s responsible for this sterling set of guidelines on how to be a 5-star rider, and all we can do is thank her for introducing some much-needed structure into our lives.
Observe:
For ease of reading, we’ve transcribed the excellent 10-step guide below:
5-Star Rider Guide
1. Be friendly, but don’t be creepy. Don’t stare me down in the rearview mirror. It’s creepy.
2. Conversation rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t say it to your mother or your employer, don’t say it to me.
3. Don’t puke. Ever. It’ll cost you $150 and your self-respect.
4. Don’t ask me to “drive it like I stole it” or any variation thereof.
5. Wear your seatbelt. Put your kids in car seats. Ubers can crash too.
6. I have asthma. Don’t smoke anything. Don’t vape. And yes, I can see you blowing smoke out the window.
7. When I ask you, “What’s in the Solo cup?”, the correct answer is “orange juice”.
8. I’m using Waze GPS. If you want to take a specific route, I need more than a 5-second warning.
9. Please clean up after yourself. This isn’t Hogwarts. There are no house elves here.
10. Don’t get out of the car until I stop. Don’t get out in the middle of traffic. Check before you open the door. Avoid getting hit by cars. Uber doesn’t like it when that happens. it’s bad for business.
Arielle’s philanthropic gesture was captured by one of her riders, a bloke from Connecticut called Marc-Andre Richard, who says he loved the sign: “We spoke about the sign during the whole 15-minute ride – it certainly helped the conversation and I made sure I didn’t leave any rubbish behind at the end.”
He also said that Arielle was “eccentric”, and considering you can make out fairy lights and a Nintendo DS (for passenger use, obvs) in the above picture, I’d say he’s right on the money.
We need more Arielles in the world, in my opinion. Give me an easy-to-understand list of rules over a floundering conversation about haircuts any day.
