Normal People, the new screen adaptation of Sally Rooney‘s bestselling novel, is the melancholic love story of Connell (Paul Mescal) and Marianne (Daisy Edgar-Jones), misfits in their own ways who keep finding themselves drawn together. It’s also rampantly horny. The book might have been a literary thirst trap, but the TV adaptation – currently streaming on Stan – is a bonafide bang-fest. Moody glances, sad indie music, and lilting Irish accents won’t distract you from this one important fact: this show likes to fuck.

There’s nary an episode without at least one scene of horniest proportions. These aren’t your typical three-pumps-and-she-comes Hollywood sex scenes, either, the ones where the girl invariably leaves her bra on and it’s over in 10-seconds max. They’re about as real a depiction of sex as anything you’ve ever seen (including porn – which let’s be honest, is more performance than fucking). Awkward positions that might actually allow penetration? Ongoing conversations about consent? Flaccid peen? HUGE. And I’m not just talking about the last one.

Rooney, who co-wrote the screenplay, writes sex scenes like conversations. They matter to the characters, and therefore they matter to you, the viewer.

So in the spirit of the rampant thirst on show, I’ve decided to rank the many, many sex scenes in Normal People from least to most horny. In researching this, I had to skim back through the entire series to count up just how many sex scenes there were, and rewatch them for judgement purposes. I’m pretty sure my housemate is concerned, but these are the sacrifices I make to bring you people the news.

WARNING: Spoilers ahead.

Ranking The Ungodly Amount Of Sex Scenes In ‘Normal People’ From Least To Most Horny
I’m in love with both of them.

LEAST HORNY: Marianne and Jaime.

Jaime, an insufferable dickhead who is the walking definition of “short man syndrome”, is Marianne’s BF for a time at Trinity College. He likes to dominate Marianne, but – and it should be noted here – only because Marianne told him she was a submissive. (It’s more explicit in the book, but basically Marianne says she’s submissive to appear more worldly and then kind of goes along with it because it seems to make Jaime happy.)

Thank sweet baby Jesus this scene only goes for about 10 seconds, because Marianne is clearly not that into it and there’s nothing at all horny about going-with-the-flow sex.

Horny Vibes: 0/10

SHOULD BE HORNY BUT ISN’T: Marianne and her Swedish photographer boyfriend Lukas.

Ranking The Ungodly Amount Of Sex Scenes In ‘Normal People’ From Least To Most Horny
Those bracelets look like they smell.

This should be hot. Marianne asks Lukas to dominate her, he obliges. He half-heartedly ties up, fucks her, then gets dressed while telling her she can’t have a shower because she’s worthless.

He doesn’t seem all that into it, and neither does she. There’s definitely consent, but it’s just…. light BDSM without the desire. Not long after this, Marianne leaves Lukas and walks out into the snow to stare wistfully into the twilight, which should give you some idea of how into it she was.

Horny Vibes: 3/10

DIDN’T LAST LONG ENOUGH TO BE SUPER HORNY: Connell and Marianne, after school.

The defining bit of this scene was Marianne – sweet, vulnerable Marianne – asking Connell if there was anyone he fancied at school afterwards, and him replying, “I’m literally still inside you.”

Horny Vibes: 4/10. It just didn’t last that long.

GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER HORNY: Connell and Marianne, the second time.

Ranking The Ungodly Amount Of Sex Scenes In ‘Normal People’ From Least To Most Horny
I am in a puddle.

This is when Connell and Marianne are in the throws of their secret high school affair. They’re getting comfy with each other, it’s still fresh, and it’s a SECRET. I’m counting the car sex as part of this because it’s all part of the same scene, really. (It’s also set to Imogen Heap‘s ‘Hide and Seek’, which is fundamentally confusing for anyone who loved the The OC.)

You know what else I’m counting? That little glance Connell and Marianne give each other in the hallways at school, because damn. I think my mouth went dry.

Horny Vibes: 5.5/10

UNFAIRLY HORNY FOR PLOT REASONS: Connell and Helen.

Ranking The Ungodly Amount Of Sex Scenes In ‘Normal People’ From Least To Most Horny
You gotta give it to ’em. You might not like it, but you do.

I wanted to rank this lower because I was mad Connell was boning Helen and not Marianne, but sorry!!! They’re clearly into each other and that’s hot!! All those little looks and grins, like you’re sharing a private joke with the person who is inside you – that’s the good shit.

Horny Vibes: 6/10

MAKING FINGER BANGING HOT AGAIN: Connell and Helen during their first year at uni.

Ranking The Ungodly Amount Of Sex Scenes In ‘Normal People’ From Least To Most Horny
Name a better way to wake up, I’ll wait.

This is exactly how sleepy morning sex should start: you kind of snuggle, start gently kissing, someone starts touching someone else and then all of a sudden you’re going at it like sex-starved wildebeests. This gets a very respectable rating for making finger banging hot and not deeply cringe at all.

Horny Vibes: 7.5/10

TEENAGE LEVELS OF HORNY: Connell and Marianne, the first time.

If there’s one gift Normal People gave us (apart from Paul Mescal’s face and also Daisy Edgar-Jones’s face), it’s making clear, verbal and ongoing consent the sexiest fucking thing in the world. CONSENT IS HOT! ASKING YOUR PARTNER IF THEY’RE OKAY WHILE BONING IS HOT AS FUCK!!! Anyone who doesn’t believe this is someone you shouldn’t be sleeping with, end of story. This gets oodles of horny points because the whole first episode was build up.

Horny Vibes: 8/10

UNBEARABLE LONGING HORNY: Connell and Marianne, the morning after they went dancing and wanted to kiss each other but didn’t.

Ranking The Ungodly Amount Of Sex Scenes In ‘Normal People’ From Least To Most Horny
I would like Connell to [REDACTED] my [REDACTED].
I deliberated long and hard over which of these rampantly horny scenes was the most horny. The Primo Lusty King. The absolute shiz of pent-up, desperate, can’t bear the thought of not exchanging bodily fluids kind of horn. And it was this one: the night after Connell and Marianne go out dancing in Sligo, where they spend the next morning lounging on Connell’s bed, talking about wanting to kiss each other and why they maybe shouldn’t.

This scene is the epitome of sad horny. It’s two people finally coming back together, realising that perhaps the reasons they were apart were stupid and silly and a huge waste of time. “It’s not like this with other people,” Marianne says, when they finally start to bone. “I like you a lot more than other people,” Connell replies.

Also, let’s not forget to mention the real MVP here: Paul Mescal’s power thighs. They could crush my skull and I’d say thank you, do it again.

This scene doesn’t end well. There’s a realisation that things can’t ever be like they were, because people change each other, but that doesn’t matter in this ranking.

Horny Vibes: Infinity/10