PREVIOUSLY ON MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA: A thunderously bland week of nothing saw Anastasia gifted with the power apron; a massive advantage in the competition that allowed her to pick a dish she didn’t cook and then gift someone an extra ingredient for a challenge she wasn’t a part of. Which aren’t so much competition advantages as they are shit the producers couldn’t be bothered deciding on.
Also, Theresa returned to the competition and everyone was ~happy about it~, plainly evidenced by the fifty foot wide-berth the other contestants are giving her up on the gantry.
SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE.
AND NOW, LAST NIGHT.
The problem with this season of MasterChef is that because we’re now eight seasons into the show’s run, we’re seeing contestants that have more-or-less had an eight-year run-up into the game. They’re all way too goddamned good.
In year’s past you could just about count on at least one person having an absolute Barry Crocker in each episode right up until there were about 6 or 7 contestants left.
But nowadays you’ve got people serving up restaurant quality nosh from day dot. It’s less about the tragedies and more about the triumphs. That’s why we’re seeing far fewer disasters, and far more occasions where people like this bloody bloke…
…can just pop-up and cook the damned dish of his life.
That’s the dang problem with MasterChef this year. Too many cooks.
But I digress.
It’s elimination day yet again, and the losing team from the Curtis Stone team challenge marches in to face the music; a defeat they suffered presumably because Trent‘s blonde hair/chiselled jaw aesthetic bit too hard on Curtis’ steez which cannot be abided whatsoever. There can be only one.
Trent, Chloe, Nicolette, and Elise are all in black, and have to endure a two-round challenge that will see them face off one-on-one, duel-style, as decreed by Matt Preston whose honour has been insulted and now demands satisfaction. GLOVE SLAP.
A quick knife pull later and it’s Chloe vs Trent and Elise vs Nicolette in Round 1.
It’s all about INSPIRATION today, meaning Chloe and Trent have to look at some autumn leaves and be INSPIRED and Elise and Nicolette need to find some sea shells INSPIRING.
For Trent, Elise, and Chloe, the INSPUHRAYSHUN is quite straight-forward. But for Nicolette it’s a little more vague. There’s a few leaping steps in associative logic being made. Seashells = beach, summer, sunsets? Dogs? School holidays? Crappy daytime TV? That’s it! A Geoff Jansz scotch egg or someshit! INSPIRATION.
Elise, in her sixth(?) elimination challenge and straight up killing it, cements her reputation as this season’s ELIMINATOR by operating on an absolute pro-level.
Two blenders at once? Girl is the Shao Kahn of MasterChef. ALL SHALL KNEEL.
In fact, save for a little hiccup with some tempered chocolate, Elise runs through the challenge like a hot knife through butter.
Look at this face. Look at the confidence.
“I. Got. Dis.“
In fact, the worst thing any of the judges can say about any of the dishes in round one is that Nicolette’s lemon curd is a little bit too lemony.
The Chloe vs Trent battle turns into an Ali vs Frazier 12-round slug fest. It’s like throwing a 9.9 up against a perfect 10.0. The food’s so damned good that the judges actually have to avert their gaze momentarily.
Not the most flattering angle, lads. Not even close.
They’re so happy with Chloe’s chicken-on-the-crown that she bursts into tears as they eat it. It’s phenomenal. It’s spectacular. It’d take something absolutely special to top it.
And then Trent casually rocks up and tops it.
How you could ever, in good conscience, send Chloe to the brink of elimination based on that is utterly beyond me.
She realises the profound kitchen injustice that’s about to befall her right at the moment where the judges taste Trent’s red wine/smoked butter sauce and simultaneously jizz.
AND THEN Chloe’s forced to sit there and make nice about how she’s gotta be really determined to win Round Two and dodge elimination.
FUCK THAT. Flip some shit! Get angry! Have a talking head where you’re just staring fire down that camera yelling “THIS IS BULLSHIT.”
Cancel round two and end the episode early, for shit’s sake. Put on a rerun of Walker: Texas Ranger to fill the extra time. I don’t care. Because if you’re sending Chloe through to Round Two of an elimination challenge after she puts up THIS…
…then the whole damned show’s gone bung.
Grand injustices comparable to apartheid aside, Round Two is down to Chloe and Nicolette, battling it out to save their spot in the competition.
Discarding the leaves and shells of round one, the INSPERRAYYYYYYyyyyyyyyssssshhhhhh for this dish apparently comes from the demons George sees whenever he shuts his eyes.
Old mate’s clearly hearing the sound of violence there. Unleash the fury.
And this time around, it’s Nicolette‘s turn to fall to pieces, thanks to some stubborn mousse and the panicked decision to turn a blow torch onto the mould to try and dislodge them.
It’s a bad idea. Nothing more than inexperience.
Despite George’s terrible attempt at emotional reassurance (seriously dude, no one’s gonna feel any better after saying “YES GEORGE” over and over), it’s this simple little error that’s enough to send her home, bested by a rampaging Chloe who’s been connecting with haymakers all damned episode long.
But, at just 19-years-old, you reckon she’s gonna be just fine.
After all, this MasterChef journey has given her the INNNNNNNSPIRAAAAYAYAYAYAYaayayayaYAYAYAyyyyyyyytion to succeed in the big bag world of commercial cooking.
Go get ’em, kid.
NEXT TIME: HOLY SHIT IT’S BACK.
THE RELAY CHALLENGE.
Last year’s most utterly ridiculous episode returns, and with it a curious chill takes over the set as the ghost of John Carasig possesses the building, whispering “WHITE CHOCOLATE VELOUTE” on the breeze.
“Adooooooboooooooooooo.”
Photo: Channel Ten.
