The Masked Singer Australia stans, hang onto your hats (masks?) because Wednesday’s unveiling was a fucking doozy. Poodle slayed the house boots down and Houston, I was deceased. She was iconic, she was the moment, she was canine and she was TORI SPELLING!!!
I’ve had to schedule in a brain aneurysm with my doctor. I am deceased, flummoxed, hoodwinked. What on Earth is Miss 90210 herself doing on The Masked Singer Australia? Dressed as a divine, princess-y poodle, no less?
Poodle only trotted into the studio for one night and TBH I have no idea why, given that it was the end of finals week. There’s an extremely real possibility that Spelling flew into Australia for literally a day or so, just to dress as a dog, belt out ‘Material Girl’ by Madonna and ‘Somewhere Only We Know’ by Keane and then scoot. Her dedication to the performing arts knows no bounds.
I know I say this every time, but the judging panel’s guesses were sheer madness. Because Poodle sang twice, Abbie Chatfield, Mel B, Hughesy and Chrissy Swan had the chance to put their Sherlock Holmes hats on several times.
After Poodle’s first performance, Mel thought she was queen of the kitchen and of my heart Nigella Lawson, Abbie guessed Real Housewives of Beverley Hills icon Kyle Richards, Chrissy guessed Kim Kardashian and Hughesy offered.. French actor Gérard Depardieu? The way this man gets paid to articulate every single unfiltered thought that shoots into his brain.
Abbie actually threw around the possibility Poodle could’ve been Tori Spelling because some words in the clue montage had been spelled horrifically wrong. An intuitive queen.
Performance two saw some of the judges change their minds. Mel pivoted to none other than Baby Spice Emma Bunton and was so certain, she went as far as to FaceTime her to see if she picked up. She then spent the rest of the episode yelling at Poodle that she was Baby. I have never seen such conviction in my life.
Hughesy changed his mind and thought Poodle was Nadya Suleman aka Octomum, which I am not even going to dignify with any analysis. Abbie was still certain it was Kyle Richards and Chrissy hedged her bets on it being Katy Perry which TBH wasn’t too out of pocket.
If you thought the episode couldn’t get more random than a woman famous for carrying octuplets allegedly singing dressed as a poodle, then you were wrong. Because news presenter and journalist Sandra Sully delivered Poodle’s final clues in some sort of segment called “Clues Just In”. Breaking news: I thought I was having a stroke.
There was also CCTV footage of Poodle stealing five stuffed dogs backstage, which didn’t help with whatever was going on in my brain. I will be sending my therapy bills to The Masked Singer Australia.
The judges submitted their final guesses, which were all the same except Hughesy had now shifted to Carly Rae Jepsen. And then before we knew it, everyone was screaming “take it off!” and Tori Spelling was standing onstage looking gooped.
If you were also scratching your head trying to figure out who TF Poodle was, we’ve rounded up the clues that would’ve helped:
Clue 1: I’m Poodle, let’s not dance around it.
Clue 2: I have the best genetics and I’m a best-seller.
Clue 3: Am I a boy or a girl poodle? Most famously, I had both names.
Clue 4: Yes, I’m quite the artist, but that’s not why I’m notorious, it is why I am mysterious. The best and the worst. Don’t be scared!
Clue 5: There’s only three things I’m afraid of: motorbikes, rodents and the red planet. But I do know my place, and I love it!
Clue 6: I’m comfortable being me, but I haven’t always been a poodle. You wouldn’t cry about it. Maybe I would.
Clue 7: And I could tell you about the time I was a dog walker instead of a dog!
Clue 8: I’m Poodle and I’m always good.
And who could forget the good sis Sandra Sully’s clues?
Clue Just In 1: In the latest news from academic research, Poodle has discovered the true importance of breakfast.
Clue Just In 2: Poodle’s research claims that a good night’s sleep and a hearty morning meal will not only make you healthier it can also make you wealthier.
Clue Just In 3: The very popular six-year study has now finished, and Poodle has now moved on to other research areas.
The Masked Singer Australia grand finale will air on Sunday. Catch up on 10Play.
