Hello! It’s couples retreat time. Are we that far along already?
Before the MAFS couples depart for what will be the same place every other season has gone to for the episode in Bowral, Rupert has surprised Evelyn with a piñata for her 12th birthday.
Layton and Mel bond over their alpha energy and the fact that Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) has thoughts on everyone and everything.
Bunnings Daddy, however, thinks if Layton got a lobotomy and removed his tongue — only then would he accept that his relationship with Mel is going well. An interesting notion considering I’ve been wondering about Bunnings Daddy’s own potential lobotomy since his speech on endo-donmetriois.
Shock horror, Tayla is still here and Hugo is still terrified.
Tayla invites Hugo to move back in, however, the olive branch is all part of some devious master plan she has.
Another shock! The MAFS cast is in the exact same retreat from Season Nine, Season Eight and probably every other season before that. Is this like, Mr EndemolShine’s house or something?
By this point, surely they know there’s a highly coveted guest house with a piano bed waiting somewhere.
Melinda, Layton, Evelyn and Rupert snag the guesthouse so that Melinda can spend more time with her girl crush. Seriously, does this alpha have boundaries?
Things are only getting sexier at this retreat, with the conversation quickly diverting to hanky-panky chat. Like what, you ask? Well, if Evelyn was stranded in a jungle and could only bring two things with her, she’s taking her vibrator and her chapstick. Fair. Chapped lips are the worst.
Tayla starts talking about a big sex bag she has and I’m not even exaggerating when I tell you that Hugo and some other MAFS husbands are very close by.
Alyssa “loves this” idea of a sex bag which is interesting areas from a woman who was on the verge of tears during Alessandra Rampolla‘s sex class.
Tayla’s friends think she’s a freak and I don’t think that has anything to do with her apparently wild sex drive, tbh.
Tayla and her ex would “pound town every day” and apparently she wouldn’t even get out of bed without a dicking. Kind of like coffee, I guess?
Hugo thinks Tayla’s pound-towning it’s a slap in the face because she said she’s not an affectionate person. Sorry, but getting your cheeks kissed and your cheeks clapped are two very different things.
Tayla’s ex messaged her the other day wanting to have phone sex? Um. I wonder if she did it.
Evelyn tells Bronte she likes her but her husband gives her weird vibes. Lol.
Alyssa, the shit-stirrer, asks Bunnings Daddy if he believes the butt-dial, even though we all know he doesn’t. He and Bronte staged a butt-dial to see if it could actually happen, which is such a Bronte and Bunnings Daddy thing to do.
Uh oh, Queen Evelyn has whipped out her crown and is ready to take this tool to town. “Harrison, look at me!”Evelyn demands.
He says that the butt-dial took away his only friend Dan. “I feel, I can’t trust you,” he tells Rupert.
Why is he waving around a lip gloss?
Bunnings Daddy tells Evelyn she’s rude and arrogant. Ugh. Are you threatened by a woman who actually speaks up, shnookums?
Evelyn just called Bronte and Bunnings Daddy “two little vicious un-desexed chihuahuas” and I’m fucking SCREAMING. If only it were to their faces.
The wives band together to tell Bronte she’s a dumbass. She thinks they’re jealous of the excuse of a relationship she has with Bunnings Daddy! Lol.
Melinda tells Bronte they’re warning her about Bunnings Daddy’s influence because they care. Claire jumps in to second that but sounds very fucking scared about it. “Yeah! We care about youuu-eww-eww.”
Bronte storms off and of course Lyndall is there to pat her.
I can see Lyndall really biting her tongue here. “Have I lost myself?” Bronte asks Lyndall.
“I think that’s up to you. How do you feel?” Lyndall asks. Classic.
It’s the next day and oh wow, Jesse is naked. He took his hands off his dick and I think that’s a really bad idea before you’ve slept with someone.
No one wants to see a flaccid penis before they see it hard.
Is Prince Eric (Duncan) literally the perfect man?
Unfortunately, Alyssa doesn’t think so.
She thinks Prince Eric spent too much time with the boys today and wants more attention.
She is spiralling and creating something out of nothing because her relationship is so perfect.
Alyssa heads to drinks and tells the girls that Prince Eric’s not her type and everyone’s as confused as I am.
The way Alyssa is relaying the stories to the girls is not what I saw. She’s using a completely different tone when saying what he said, in comparison to how he actually said it.
Alright, Bronte is now addressing Melinda. Melinda asks why it’s her fault when everyone else is saying the exact same thing about her deadbeat hubby.
Bronte says she and Bunnings Daddy are having conversations about her moving to Sydney. That’s what everyone does for brand events after being on a TV show, don’t pretend it’s for your stripper tradie.
Evelyn thinks Bronte needs an exorcism.
Evelyn and Melinda piss off and decide to eavesdrop on the boys. This… will not be good. See you for tomorrow’s MAFS recap.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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