It’s final dates on MAFS tonight. Thank god. But also… were there ever any first dates?

Bad news! Olivia wants to stay in the experiment. She hated her 24 hours apart from Jackson so will presumably rely on the producers to hold him captive in the Sky Suites.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
u will never be taken from me again

Nice Guy is teaching Princess Bogan how to play the guitar and I hope Olivia doesn’t hear her not yelling the lyrics from next door.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
anyway, here’s wonderwall

Nice Guy is now giving Princess Bogan a present. They’re tickets to… not Italy? He has also bought her a “dope” dress because he has a keen eye for style, including but not limited R.M Williams and shirts buttoned all the way up. She looks fire, but quite literally, because the people on this show have watched too much Hunger Games.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
Bogan Everdeen, District 12

Cody and Selina are heading to the Hunter Valley for a hot air balloon ride because he is creative. He has not brought a blindfold for the surprise, so yet again Selina has to do the work in this relationship by holding her hands over her eyes the whole time.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
my face is smiling but my elbows are not

Selina is thankful that Cody remembered her once saying she wanted to do a hot air balloon. It is extremely surprising behaviour from Cody who forgets other things, like common decency and how to effectively communicate, on a daily basis.

Cody gives Selina champagne and knowing him it’s definitely a $6.95 purchase of Yellowglen. It ain’t the four coffees he needs for any conversation with Selina but it’ll do.

Cody doesn’t know if he sees a future with Selina because he hasn’t met her friends and family. He also may include her in his upcoming travel plans. She asks him again when they’re back on solid ground because that’s what you do when someone doesn’t answer your question the first 17 times.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
ignorance is not bliss my sweet

Cody keeps deflecting and asking what she’s feeling instead. She asks him if he’s “for real” given it’s very obvious how committed she is to accepting him for the excuse of a husband that he is.

He reckon Selina’s given him no indication of where she wants to go from this experiment. This man is from a different planet. If she didn’t want to move forward with him, does he really think she’d put up with his shit to date?

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
r u from the planet of serious?

Selina tells Cody he checked out. He says she checked out once too. She says it’s because he gives her shit all. He tells her that all that means is she hit her threshold a bit later than he did.  She storms off. He follows her. She tells him he’s a gaslighter. They now have a drone following them.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
make sure you get the whole venue for contra purposes pls

She says she was willing to move to Sydney for him which is a pretty good indication of her seeing a future with him. He says nah, that’s not what she said, she said she was “open to it” but never said she was definite about it.

“Are you cooked? Are you serious?” Selina asks this apparent human being who goes by the name of Cody. This is obviously a rhetorical question.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
ur doing my head in, which grows hair better than yours

He now agrees she did say it! But that he still doesn’t have the certainty or confidence in their relationship. She suggests leaving right now then. He does not understand why they would leave. He says he wants to address these issues and make it work with her.

WHY DID YOU NOT JUST SAY THAT WHEN SHE ASKED YOU.

LEMON.

MAFS Recap: Ballarat Paris Hangs Shits On Brent For Being A Man With Moods & Working In Hospo
DA FUQ CODY

Brent is taking Ballarat Paris to play with puppies which is actually the best date ever. But I feel like it would get old after about 45 seconds.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
she’s not tinkerbell but she’ll do

Baby Seal and @badgalella are going jet skiing so he can play with his finned friends and family in the deep blue. Looks fine. Ella says, “It was a very sexy experience”. She felt good about it because he felt good, which is proof she is a great and unselfish lover.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
you guys made me ink

I’m glad they had fun but I’d prefer the dogs. “She was just screaming and yelling and telling me to go faster the whole time,” says Baby Seal. About the jet ski experience.

Nice Guy and Princess Bogan are in not-Italy but wherever it is, it’s noice. We then receive a flashback to where his name was first created, when Resting John Face met him and crowned him Nice Guy. Back in not-Italy, our power couple talk about how great and pretty everything is because there’s not much else to do in not-Italy except enjoy the scenery.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
I love not Italy!!

Back at the beach, Baby Seal has given @badgalella a dress to wear because he thinks she has “to look sexy”. Who died and made these men stylists?

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
if it’s not Bec & Bridge i riot

@badgalella suggests a toast which is the oldest trick in the book to get someone to profess their undying love for you. He instead makes a cheers to their final date. Romantic.

MAFS Recap: Ballarat Paris Hangs Shits On Brent For Being A Man With Moods & Working In Hospo
it’ll do

Side note: I love that:

a) @badgalella’s “sexy” dress is now covered by the blanket
b) Baby Seal is trying to show her a taste of the GC but the date is cold and miserable, just like Melbourne
c) The blanket has colour-coordinated with the “sexy” dress

Baby Seal doesn’t want to plan out the next six months because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the next “one month”. @badgalella wants to know if their relationship is enough. He says there’s no way to know that right now.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
gimme gimme more, gimme more

This has very Tinder-date energy. Where the person wants to know if you’re DTF or DT long-term but you can’t answer because you’re not yet sure what bucket they’ll specifically fall into. Except they’re fake married and have spent the last several weeks with each other, and only each other.

“Relationships are volatile, all of them.” Baby Seal tells the camera and that’s a lot of negativity for one person. @badgalella is being very firm in asking what he’s feeling. He asks her if she wants “the whole label thing”.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
so u wanna be exclusive?

She says yes. For anyone who hasn’t been someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend in the better part of a decade, this is extremely predictable areas.

“Ella’s getting in her head about it and possibly thinking about it more so than she should. So it is what it is. I’ve said it as much as I can say it. So, it’s all on her,” Baby Seal says. His lessons on not passing the blame are apparently unlearned. The experts must be so disappointed in their resident sea mammal.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
moohahaha my dismissiveness hath returned

Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are now taking a spin in an Italian car called a Fiat, otherwise known as Herbie. Apparently if you’re in love, then doing things like looking at houses and driving in cars with a petrol tank that’s more expensive than nightly Sydney rent can be somewhat romantic.

Turns out the common denominator of all my shit dates have been the lack of interest in the person I’m on them with. They are now having an Alfresco dinner and it appears Princess Bogan’s parents have lent their tablecloth for the occasion.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
thanks mum!!

She is beaming. He is beaming. So much beaming.

Jack proposes his own toast and gives Princess Bogan the cheers that @badbagalla was angling for. This is a nice contrast of what you could have if you divorce your ex versus what you will get if you just don’t want to be alone anymore. I am literally smiling watching them smile at each other and I hate myself.

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u are the bees knees
mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
u are the bees ankles

NO.

LOVE ISN’T REAL.

NOT ON THIS SHOW.

MAKE IT STOP.

BUT ALSO CONTINUE BECAUSE I AM OBSESSED WITH THESE TWO.

Meanwhile, Brent is getting Ballarat Paris a blindfold for his next surprise. She throws a mini-tanty because it’ll ruin her makeup, so offers to do some work in their relationship and blindfold herself with her hands.

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my Too Faced palette will not be happy about this

He’s taking her for a three-course meal on a yacht and I really hope there’s cutlery on board to fight over. She loves boats and I reckon she’s definitely dated a boat daddy before.

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ah yes, smells familiar

Ballarat Paris tells Brent she’s not a person who has NO RAGRATS. He says he regrets the way he’s dealt with certain situations in their relationship. She says it’s because he has an ego and then goes into his “moods”. He tells her she’s moody about literally everything and anything.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
don’t make me use my fork correctly on you

She says she’s not moody (she is). She thinks he’s only saying it because he’s moody. Then she says she’s a girl so she’s allowed to be moody, but he’s a guy (!!!) so he shouldn’t be “prone” to moods.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
how dare I and the penis I was born with have feelings

What is wrong with the women on this show and thinking men are not allowed to have emotions? Again, rhetorical question.

Brent tells Ballarat Paris that lately things seem to piss her off. She gets riled up and snaps, “Cause I haven’t wanted to be here lately!”

He seems defeated and slightly surprised at this outburst. I’m not her biggest fan but she did make it clear she didn’t want to be there when she wrote leave about a week ago, no?

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
so writing “leave” the other week wasn’t a joke?

Brent thinks he’s done. “She’s just something else,” he tells the cameras. That she is, bruh.

“His ego gives me the shits. It does! It gives me the shits!” says Ballarat Paris.

Now she’s listing the things she’s got to go home to:

  • Job
  • Dog
  • House
MAFS Recap: Ballarat Paris Hangs Shits On Brent For Being A Man With Moods & Working In Hospo
he doesn’t even have a dog and I can’t with that

Then she does this rant:

“I’ve put a lot on the line to be here. I can’t say the same for Brent. I really don’t think he’s given up really practically anything to be here. He’s 33 years old and he has no idea who the fuck he is.”

MAFS Recap: Ballarat Paris Hangs Shits On Brent For Being A Man With Moods & Working In Hospo
but I know who the fuck I am: judgemental

“He doesn’t really have a career. He works in hospitality and he calls himself a fucking restaurant expert or some shit like that. I’m sorry, but you wait tables, and I’m not being rude about it, but that’s what you do. Own it.”

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
*being rude about not being rude about it*

Woman.

Brent thinks he is “the laughing stock in someone else’s story”. ILY Brent. You can wait my table any time. And by table I don’t mean table.

MAFS Recap: Ballarat Paris Hangs Shits On Brent For Being A Man With Moods & Working In Hospo
u heard me

Um, no date for Olivia and Jackson? LOVE IT.

Tomorrow night contestants old and new come together and Selin is on the warpath. I’ve missed her for all the wrong reasons.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here.

Image: Channel Nine