Sure, Sunrise might be where the marquee names head in the mornings. But it’s after 9:30am, when the kids are all off at school, that Channel 7 dims the lights a bit and gets their sexiest stars front-and-centre. That bead of sweat cresting your brow? That’s just you reacting to the natural heat The Morning Show gives off. And it’s little wonder. That slightly unbuttoned shirt. That shaved-but-not-really dome of light fuzz. The steely eyes. The pearly whites. Larry! Oh, LARRY!
Entirely reliable internet source and totally legit authority on such things,
RedHotPie.com.au – for the record, still the single greatest name for a dating site ever –
has revealed their list of ‘
Sexy Australian of the Year 2015‘ and throw out everything you thought you knew about lists, grammar, or societal constructs of physical attractiveness. Because you’re about to have your brains wrinkled.
Cleo? Maxim? GQ? To hell with them all, because they’re all clearly big idiots who aren’t tuning in to the bubbling pot of pure goddamned sex that is the 9am – 11:30am timeslot. And it’s with that pocket of secret knowledge that RedHotPie – slogan “everybody’s doing it” which is SO TRUE, you guys – have revealed that their Sexiest Australian for 2015, despite it being a mere 36 days old, is your mate and mine, Larry Emdur. Come on down!
Big Laz is proving to be not just the fine wine you keep in the cellar, but the one you put proudly on display; the jewel in the crown; the great white buffalo. Like a cheeseburger left untouched for five years, he refuses to yield to the rigours of age, and his ageless rig is testament to that.
Larry’s big win saw him defeat other such specimens of physical perfection, such Adonis’s walking the face of the Earth, such splendiferous examples of perfect evolution as Karl Stefanovic who mustered a fourth place finish, and now officially the hottest Tasmanian getting about, Senator Jacqui Lambie, who rounded out the top ten.
Also some blue eyed idiots called Chris and Liam Hems… something. Who frankly should not have been on the list in any event because compared to the sheer visual glory that is Larry Emdur they might as well be piles of rotting garbage, festering slowly in the summer heat.
Of Laz, RedHotPie – again, actual hilarious name – said, “He’s the total sexy package, rippling body, cheeky smile, infectious personality, incredible work-ethic and he’s a beloved family-man to boot. Emdur goes after life, and his velocity is only accelerating… and that’s really, really sexy.“
And we’re absolutely inclined to agree.
But for those of you keeping score at home, the full top ten list looks a little something like this.
REDHOTPIE.COM.AU – SEXY AUSTRALIAN OF THE YEAR 2015 TOP TEN
1. Larry Emdur
2. Shanina Shaik
3. Chris & Liam Hemsworth
4. Karl Stefanovic
5. Gabi Grecko
6. The boys from 5 Seconds of Summer
7. Iggy Azalea
8. Buddy Franklin
9. Elle Macpherson
10. Jacqui Lambie
Again, a totally legitimate, verifiable list from reputable source Red Hot Pie dot com dot ay ewe.
Way to go, Laz! You magnificent hunk of stiffy-inducing babe, you.
Photo: Mark Metcalfe via Getty Images.
