It’s hard to imagine outright discrimination existing in this inclusive post-Obama world. But in Australia at least, egalitarianism is a French word that has no meaning and too many letters. In THIS COUNTRY (thank God) if we don’t take kindly to your type we’re gonna profile you and your weird ass friends then ban all of you from entering the premises. Yes, that means you Metrosexuals, Lads and Festival Bros – you’re on the discrimination list and you only have your pointy white shoes, penchant for violence and sweat glands (respectively) to blame. Let’s take a deeper look.
NO METROSEXUALS
According to news.com.au Melbourne’s Ding Dong Lounge have banned metrosexuals in the name of patron safety. But safety against what? A pre-emptive strike against flammable hair products? Death by narcissism? Spray tan poisoning? All valid answers, but no, the club has outlawed Metrosexuals to curb violence – against themselves.
Says news.com.au: The promoter, credited with bringing the Perth-based event Dorcia to Melbourne in September, warned punters they would not get in wearing trademark metrosexual attire – for example, low-cut V-neck T-shirts, skinny jeans and pointed white shoes…
Popular brand Ed Hardy tops the list of unacceptable clothing, as does “fight fashion” from brands such as Tapout. Other faux pas include pointed leather shoes, shirts with numbers on them, tight T-shirts and polo shirts with popped collars.
Men sporting blond tips or dyed rats’ tails will also be turned away.
Management also warned that ejected troublemakers would be photographed for a “name and shame” wall just inside the entrance.
First of all what’s fight fashion? Is that like Chanel nunchucks or Ksubi shotguns…or something? Also, Ed Hardy, dyed rats’ tails and popped polos? Is that not the mark of a greasy rohypnol wielding rapist. When did the term metrosexual become interchangeable with douche bag? When? Needless to say I’m a bit vexed by this one but completely agree with outlawing “shirts with numbers on them”. Wearing shirts with numbers on them is tantamount to burning the Australian flag and warrants the death penalty.
NO LADS
I wasn’t entirely sure of what a Lad was until I saw the photo above. I guess they’re the Aussie equivalent of Chavs but far less numerous and way less dangerous. They are however, intimidating (and perhaps smelly) enough to warrant banishment at Sydney’s Acer Arena. Items on the hit list include stripped polo shirts, skin caps and clothing with the nautical label. My only query would be this. What recording artist on Earth is both A) Well liked by Lads and B) Capable of selling out the Acer Arena? I found the answer in the below Venn diagram I chanced upon in a Sociology scientific journal.
NO FESTIVAL BROS
If you check out the important festival information/conditions of entry listed on Stereosonic’s website, you’ll find this little nugget of gold…
Stereosonic has a ‘TOPS ON’ policy. Anyone not wearing tops (singlet, t-shirt etc…) will be rejected at the gate. Anyone inside the event not wearing a top will have their wristband removed and will be ejected from the event.
I think we can all agree that shirtless festival bros are the worst. But it’s their God given right to give the cute girl in denim cutoffs, the jolly security guy, the lead singer on stage, the magpie flying overhead, me, you, the way too eager social photographer, the other shirtless festival bros, that rock on the ground, the tree on the other side of the field, the munter in the corner, the bar staff, heck the whole world front row seats to the gun show. We should ensure that pants stay on at festivals, not shirts.
Nevertheless sweaty dudes are disgusting and I did watch Twilight: New Moon last week so my man torso quota has been filled for oh, a thousand billion lifetimes.
In conclusion, hatin’ and discriminatin’ is whack Australia! Festival Bros, Metrosexuals and Lads are completely terrible but they’re also pretty harmless. Lets go back to hating the true villains of Australia: Politicians, under performing sportsmen, parking cops and dodgy tradesmen.
