Year six is, quite possibly, the most awkward year in anybody’s childhood. It’s up there with year eight and the dreaded year nine.
Aside from thinking you’re top shit because you’re the oldest of the junior school kids, year six also saw you teeter on that awkward cusp of teenagehood, where half your friends look like they’re 13 and the other half look five.
In retrospect, year six wasn’t kind to anyone.
*Cue: a lamenting quote about the power of hindsight blah, blah, blah*
And nobody knows this truth about the horrors of year six better than Katy Perry, who recently came across some paperwork from her school days.
Katy (born: Katy Hudson) was home visiting her ‘rents when she came across a letter detailing her year six suspension. The reason? Some very ambiguous, “inappropriate behaviour”.
Delivering the goods, Katy then did the decent thing and shared a picture of whole letter on her Instagram Stories:
“At the 2:00 p.m. recess, Katy and four other students were in an ‘off-limits’ area (behind the backboards) practicing a skit. Katy pretended that a tree was Tom Cruise and began making sexual motions (pelvic thrusts) to the tree.”
Tom Cruise. PELVIC THRUSTS. A tree. Oh lordy lord, there’s a lot to unpack here.
Like, I never thought I could relate to a sixth grader more in my entire life – bearing in mind that this letter was dated in 1996, the same year Jerry Maguire AND Mission: Impossible hit theatres. What a time.
But the letter keeps going…
“When Katy met with Mrs. Calkins, Mr. White, and myself, she was asked to describe or demonstrate what she had been seen doing on the playground in front of some other students. Katy chose to describe it. Her words were ‘it was inappropriate’ and ‘like making out.’”
Lol, smart move KP. I’d definitely opt to describe the ‘pelvic thrusts’ rather than act them out in front of some fun police teachers.
Katy captioned the letter, “When I was suspended in 6th grade for humping a tree and I guess other stuff.”
KP didn’t go on to detail how her (famously VERY religious) parents responded to the note, but if I was my kid, I don’t even think I could be mad at this. Like, thrusting at a tree bc you’re hot for Tom Cruise? What a mood.
Never change, Katy.