The 20 Cutest / Most Batshit Takeaways From That Justin & Hailey Vogue Interview

By now if you haven’t pored over the Justin Bieber / Hailey Bieber Vogue interview that dropped this morning – or at least, had SOMEONE mention it to you, you are maybe someone that doesn’t have a phone and is like “ohhh I never watch TV, what is an Instagram”.

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The newly-married Christians gave their first ever interview as a couple back in December, and the full thing has dropped online today – and folks, it’s a LOT. It’s so much, in fact, that we felt our selection of tidbits we wrote up this morning for you guys simply wasn’t enough. There was TOO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE.

Also, I had feelings. Thoughts. Opinions. So when I walked into work this morning I basically screamed in my Deputy’s face that I be allowed to write these thoughts/opinions/feelings, and I think he was so terrified he just agreed. This may have been a mistake. Oh well! Lalalalala come on this journey with me.

1. The Seance Thing.

“There were these séances,” he explains. “Or not really séances but these traditions. They light candles, and it kind of freaked me out. You sit on a mat, you put a pillow down, and you beat your past out of it. 

Can we just discuss how this interview opens with Justin attending some WEIRD CULTY HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT? I love it so much. What is this? Who is there? What calibre of celebrity attends these things, like is it your Raven Symone‘s or your Heidi Pratt‘s, or your Ariana Grande‘s? I am fucking obsessed with the weird shit celebrities get up to because they’re detached from reality. I wanted more here. Justin, you’ve already let me down.

2. The Fact Marriage Is Already… Hard?

“The thing is, marriage is very hard,” says Hailey. “That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.

Okay. I understand that relationships ARE hard and props to Hailey and Justin for not bullshitting us (too much) in this interview by pretending they’re living some sex-filled, “I love your tracksuit beb, no I love your tracksuit beb” romance. But like, guys. You’ve been married for a month. I am going to hedge a small bet that marriage isn’t generally hard after a month – when you, say, don’t tie the knot 4 weeks after deciding to date properly?

3. This Whole Situation.

No sooner has he settled in than he jumps up to do a little jig; he climbs over the sofa, squeezes between Hailey and the bolster and enfolds her in his arms; he spins his body around and puts his head in her lap, then jumps up again, bathes her neck in kisses, and whispers endearments (“Guess what? You’re amazing”) before jolting himself out of his reverie. “It’s hard for me to do just one thing at a time,” he says, his tooth-filled smile like a beacon.

……………what did I just read.

4. Homies.

“One day Justin walked into Hillsong and was like, ‘Hey, you got older.’ I was like, ‘Yeah, what’s up?’ Over time he became my best guy friend. I was running around with him as his homie, but we weren’t hanging out [romantically].”

Ok we’ve found our this for 2019:

5. The Spice In This Little Morsel.

“Negative things happened that we still need to talk about and work through,” Hailey explains. “Fizzled would not be the right word—it was more like a very dramatic excommunication. There was a period where if I walked into a room, he would walk out.

That bit where Justin and Hailey had their NYE hookup, that he posted on Insta, basically breaking the internet – has NEVER been addressed. This isn’t much but it’s something. It also leaves things WIDE open for conspiracy theories. Did they bone and regret it? Did he bone someone else and fuck shit up? Things have to be DIRE if you can’t even be in a room together amirite?

6. Hmmmmm…

She is, by her own and others’ accounts, a careful and deliberate person, rational to a fault. Friends describe her with words like secure, steady, and strong. Justin’s friends call him soft, sensitive, all heart, ruled by emotions so intense that he has often needed to numb them with drugs, or not risk them on meaningful relationships.

I can see how these guys work if what they’re saying their personalities are is in fact true. She’s the steady one, he’s all over the shop. She grounds him, he makes her break out of her shell a bit. Cute. But just quietly, “beb I’m just TOO emotional, it’s why I can’t be with you” is Fuckboy Line Of The Century.

7. Actually No, Now I Want To Give Justin A Hug.

“Just thinking about music stresses me out,” he says. “I’ve been successful since I was thirteen, so I didn’t really have a chance to find who I was apart from what I did. I just needed some time to evaluate myself: who I am, what I want out of my life, my relationships, who I want to be—stuff that when you’re so immersed in the music business you kind of lose sight of.”

I’ve gotta say this hit me right in the feels-groin. Justin HAS had a weird life – he’s been working his ass off since he barely had pubes. Surely that would leave even the most adjusted kid floundering in his 20s. I’m kind of like, good on you Justin for stepping back and figuring your shit out, you know?

8. And Then I Didn’t Anymore.

I need one thing that’s certain. And that”—he picks up her hand—“is my baby boo.”

Please place yourself calmly in the nearest bin immediately until you learn how to behave.

9. How… How Do You Even Pronounce This?

“…Churchome, Judah Smith’s Seattle-based ministry…”

ChurCHOME? Churck-HOME? Shhhurshhhome? Hi, I hate it.

10. This Calm Hypocrisy

“Justin, Hailey, and their friends listen intently from a dozen reserved seats in the first two rows, their giant parkas making cartoon silhouettes.

“I wouldn’t consider myself religious,” Justin tells me. “That confuses a lot of people because they’re like, Well, you go to church. I believe in the story of Jesus—that’s the simplicity of what I believe. But I don’t believe in all the religious elitism and pretentiousness, like people are better than you because they come to church, like you have to go to church and dress a certain way.”

Love 2 feel I am equal with everyone else on the planet except for the bit where I will only sit in reserved front-row seats at church. SORRY BUT IT’S TRUE OK. I totally did 10 years in the clink (church), I remember this hypocrisy well.

11. This Photo.

Credit: Annie Liebovitz / Vogue

12. OK, Fair Enough With This.

“A lot of the douchey things I was doing gave people the right to be like, Man, that’s frickin’ douchey, bro. But a lot of the stuff was like—me peeing in a bucket, people made such a big deal of that. Or me owning a monkey. It’s like, if you had the money that I had, why wouldn’t you get a monkey? You would get a monkey!”

I mean we do talk a lot of shit about Bieb’s crazy years, but he was like 20 and had a bazillion bucks. I’d probably buy like 50 puppies and then be like Melissa McCarthy’s character in Bridesmaids.

13. And Then I Felt For Old J-Dog Again.

“I found myself doing things that I was so ashamed of, being super-promiscuous and stuff, and I think I used Xanax because I was so ashamed. My mom always said to treat women with respect. For me that was always in my head while I was doing it, so I could never enjoy it. Drugs put a screen between me and what I was doing. It got pretty dark. I think there were times when my security was coming in late at night to check my pulse and see if I was still breathing.”

Look, for all his hyperactive-puppy behaviour and weird beliefs, it’s sad that Justin went through a Xanax addiction and it sounds like it was pretty debilitating. This candidness got me in the goolies again.

14. The Hits Keep Coming.

“I’ve said before that I’ve learned more from Justin than I think he’s learned from me—about the human condition, about pain,” Smith says. “He gives a lot to the world, and a lot has been taken from him, including a bit of the natural progression of development, the chance to grow relationally and socially.

ALSO THIS – it’s all said very pastor-y but fuck guys, maybe church-life HAS been good for Biebs? What is happening to me?

15. But Also Hmmmmm 2.0.

“I just wanted him to be happy and be good and be safe and feel joy. But I’m really proud of him. To do it without a program, and to stick with it without a sober coach or AA or classes—I think it’s extraordinary. He is, in ways, a walking miracle.”

IDK, this whole quote sounds like “who needs AA and sober coaches when you have JESUS!” which is… I mean…

16. Justin’s Face Here.

Credit: Annie Liebovitz / Vogue

E N H A N C E.

16. This IS Good.

It’s always going to be hard. It’s a choice. You don’t feel it every single day. You don’t wake up every day saying, ‘I’m absolutely so in love and you are perfect.’

Again, enjoying this not-pretending-we-are-couple-goals-2000 business. Let’s all stop pretending we are permanently 24/7 obsessed with our partners woo!

17. The Perks Of Celibacy.

And I believe that God blessed me with Hailey as a result. There are perks. You get rewarded for good behavior.”

So let’s unpack this. Justin goes celibate as per God’s directives. Then he meets Hailey and marries her in 0.002 seconds. So the perk is that you… get to have sex? Or that you get like a top-shelf gal? So what are the other gals? That seems rude. WHAT DOES SELENA THINK OF THIS SENTENCE.

18. Casual Kitchen-Dancing.

One thing they have learned is that they are pretty happy homebodies. They like to lounge around the house, watch movies, listen to music and dance in their kitchen. 

I’m always dancing around my kitchen with my boyfriend, just booty-popping on the wall on a chill Wednesday night.

19. But The Outdoor Dancing Is V. Cute

Credit: Annie Liebovitz / Vogue

Justin looks mildly unhinged but generally, I’m obsessed with this.

20. Why Do You Do This To Me, Justin And Hailey.

At the end of the day, too, he’s my best friend. I never get sick of him.”

Justin grins. “And you’re my baby boo.”

That’s the end of the interview. Aaaand I hate it. Is it 2009? Are we still saying baby boo? Did we ever?

Justin/Hailey, I have questions.