Ian Thorpe and Ricky Martin Are Not Dating After All

Late yesterday, to a chorus of ‘oh my god‘ and ‘I can’t even‘, major news outlets began reporting that big and tall store shopper Ian Thorpe and beguilingly handsome pop music alpaca Ricky Martin were dating. 
Entertainment reporter Peter Ford was the one to break the news, claiming that the pair had sold their story to a magazine for somewhere in the vicinity of $500,000, and were about to go public.
Late last night, the swimmer’s people poured cold water – we suspect you see what we did there but don’t give a chlorine-scented phuck – on the dreams of a nation, with a statement saying that they are definitely, 100% not together.
“Not true on any count,” Thorpe’s manager James Erskine told The Daily Telegraph, confirming that the gold medal-winner won’t be doing the school run with Martin’s kids any time soon, and is still therefore maybe on the market? 
These are confusing times.
Martin has been single since he and his long-term partner Carlos Gonzalez broke up in January, while Thorpe came out during an emotional interview with Parkinson earlier this year.
After the tough time he’s had, we just want him to fall in love and be happy and be serenaded by tiny bluebirds all day, dammit, and that really doesn’t seem like such an unreasonable thing to ask. 

Photo: Greg Wood / Frazer Harrison