Gwyneth Paltrow, a gentle queef of fairy dust that took human form sometime in the early ‘70s, is auctioning off the contents of her closet to benefit some dumb charity or other, and has asked several of her close personal friends to pitch in and lend a hand.
Beyoncé, Kate Hudson, Miranda Kerr, Nicole Richie and someone named Caroline de Maigret (no fucking idea, sorry fashion people) have all consciously uncoupled with old, unwanted items of clothing to benefit The Annual Goop Closet Sale.
Unless you’re one of the Bling Ring kids – in which case, you’re probably doing time right now – this is the best chance you’ll ever get to rifle through a bunch of famous people’s stuff.
Many of the best items have already sold out. “Beyoncé feet” gets around 47 million hits on Google, so it’s no surprise that her custom-made Stuart Weitzman batik print ankle boots have already been snapped up by some sicko for a cool $2500.
Miranda Kerr’s pretty things, including her Size 0 berry print dress by Tory Burch, have also sold. Ugh, you will NEVER be as effortlessly pretty as Miranda now. Eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and then kill yourself, why don’t you?
“Nicole Richie feet” only gets 20 million hits. BURN. Her Christian Louboutin shoes have already sold, though.
There are still a few items remaining the sale. If you’re really, really quick, you can still nab Gwyneth Paltrow’s purple quilted Carolina Herrera bag. It may or may not have a tear-and-makeup-streaked tissue in one of the pockets.
Get your credit cards out, people.
Photo: Ben Stansall via AFP/Getty Images