Greatest Hits of the Chilean Mine Disaster

33 trapped Chilean miners have been reportedly pumping fists and falling to their knees in prayer these past few days upon their release from the underground. Mario “the situation” Sepulveda Espina, 40, the second to be released, said “I have been with God and the devil”, in summary of the ordeal, but more interesting is what the miners are facing upon being released from the two month entrapment…

The reputation of Johnny Barrios Rojas proceeded his exit from the mine (the 21st dude to escape). His rescue was famously awaited by both his wife of 28 years and his mistress of four years – a relationship the wife was not privy too (awkward turtles). Once introduced the two ensued in a public cat fight and upon Barrios’ release, his wife Marta was nowhere to be seen. He was received into the arms of his mistress who had left poems and prayers around the scene signed off as “Your Wife” while sporting a shit-eating grin. Byotch.

Amidst the drama of the miners emergence from their harrowing stint, Oakley came to the aid of the trapped miners’ sun-deprived vision by donating special $450 sunglasses to each upon exiting the mine into daylight. The 100% UV protection will shield damage to the miners’ retinas, which hadn’t been exposed to sunlight in more than two months. This move allegedly scored Oakley around $41million worth of media exposure. Branding opportunities for everyone!

Local medical establishments are also granting the miners free check ups for infections as well as free medication to combat germs that they would now be vulnerable to. Free meds and complimentary medical attention is the personal health equivalent of the free swag at the MTV Music Awards.

Of course any time the world experiences a near tragedy or anything that has to do with the word “shaft”, the gags and twitter commentary start coming thick and fast…

Ha ha. Shaft.

What is the industrial relations vibe?

Many puns.

Thankfully the 33 are now all safe and sound and we wish them all a speedy recovery with their friends and families and mistresses.

By Claud Santoro