Can you believe awards season has already started? I’ve barely gotten all the glitter (read: vomit) out of my hair after NYE, and celebs are already strutting the red carpet at the Golden Globes.
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As always, I’m going to critically analyse all the outfits while I sit here wearing my worst undies and my oldest bra and some weird dress I bought on eBay, because I haven’t done holiday washing! I even dropped some tomato on it already to really emphasise my hot mess state. What I am saying is I have no credentials to be saying “uhhhh I don’t like this” but I’m also going to SAY “I don’t like this” and there’s nothing Margot Robbie can do about it!!!
Anyway! Let’s get into it with all the celebs who are at best D level because no one A-lister shows up this early lol.
GRETA GERWIG
HARDLY a D-lister (Greta directed the new Little Women!!) but ugh, I just don’t like this shape of dress EVER, on anyone. It always makes you look all slumpy and shouldersy, don’t you think? Something about the way it locks your arms down in a vice-like grip. Also, makes it impossible to drink champers without spilling it down your cleavage.
JOEY KING
This looks like my cheese nightmares.
KIRSTEN DUNST
IDK guys, dusty pink is just my most hated colour. Is there a skin tone it DOES suit? Is there a human being it doesn’t wash out into oblivion, so you look like a fleshy mass with a head?
NAOMI WATTS
Okay I love this? She’s a glittery disco ball except like a goth one! If there was a cool goth disco ball (can someone get on that? Why can’t I have the things I want, all the time) they would model it on Naomi’s dress here.
BRIAN COX
The black lapels are throwing me off here, it makes it look like his jacket has an obscenely large opening at the chest area, then tiny little top lapels. It’s alarming and I don’t like it. Who did Brian Cox dirty like this?
LAUREN GRAHAM
Gilmore Girls til I die, but why TF has no one taught Lauren Graham how to pose on a red carpet? Is it 1998? Why are we doing the teacup hand, Loz? Also why are we matching our clutch to our dress?
MARGOT ROBBIE
Do you want to know something controversial? I don’t like pockets. I HATE ‘EM! You can’t put stuff in them when they’re like this because then you have this rectangular capluph (I made that word up but it works) coming out of your hip, and when you stick your hands in them you look like you’re hiding tampons.
That all being said, Margot is such a chic queen she makes it work. Sort of.
KAITLYN DEVER
You look like a haunted doll from 1855 in the best possible way, Kaitlyn.
PORTIA DE ROSSIE & ELEN DEGENERES
Portia in a suit is everyones sexuality, there I said it. Also big shout out to Ellen for her goth disco tux. 10s across the board for these two.
OLIVIA COLMAN
Oh noooo I’m torn between my undying, she-can-do-whatever-she-wants love for Olivia and how heinous this dress is! The sleeves! The aggressive bust area! The fact she can only pogo herself down the red carpet because of how column-y the skirt is! The unnecessary train stuck on the back!
I can’t. I just can’t get behind this.
TIFFANY HADDISH
Something I CAN get behind is Tiffany Haddish in Barbie pink – what a dream! The draping is so flattering and the colour is amazing on her.
ZOEY DEUTCH
Ugh this is my favourite so far – the colour, the modern cut, the SLEEVES – it’s all perfect. I was almost like ummmm did she steal Rose’s necklace from the Titanic but it’s fine. It works. It’s fine.
BRETT GELMAN
I’ll never be able to NOT hate this guy after Fleabag, but I can at least appreciate his efforts at wearing a mildly interesting tux.
GUGU MBATHA-RAW
I loooove this. The cropped length makes it chic not sparkly-naff, and the yellow gold is just heaven.
PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE
HOW is this woman just getting cooler and cooler and sexier and sexier, while I slowly decline into a total mess of a human? It’s like I want to eat her and absorb her chic/talent/coolness powers.
BEANIE FELDSTEIN
I LOVE Beanie and I LOVE this, minus that plait headband. Mainly because it looks like those faux hair ones you used to beg mum for from the Reject Shop when you were 8.
ANSEL ELGORT
All I wanted from this event was a photo of Ansel next to Beanie in their matching-hued outfits, like a velvet/silk dream from a 90s prom. Is it so much to ask?
STEPHEN MOYER & ANNA PAQUIN
Petition for True Blood to return bc apparently these two ARE real vampires and just get hotter as they age.
ELTON JOHN & DAVID FURNISH
Elton is the only person I’ll allow in sunglasses on the red carpet, because he looks damn good in them.
JENNIFER ANISTON
I know it’s her *thing* to just wear mildly boring but chic dresses but god, Jen, couldn’t you have a mid-life crisis now and turn up in something exciting? Please? Just a little one, just buy a little hot pink convertible and start wearing terry towelling hotpants with boots, and like two awards show psycho dresses for me.
HEL:EN MIRREN
WE SIMPLY.
MUST STAN.
MERRIT WEAVER
Netflix’s Unbelievable deserves all the awards, and Merritt also deserves the award for best resting bitchface.
CYNTHIA ERIVO & BILLY PORTER
Billy is eternally the best dressed on ANY red carpet.
JOE MANGIANELLO & SOFIA VERGARA
Sofia can you shave Joe’s awful beard off in his sleep? Do it for all of us.
JOANNE TUCKER & ADAM DRIVER
ISLA FISHER
At first I was like hmmmmmmm fine I guess…. and THEN:
Oh my GOD yes, this is how you do couple dressing!!! Outstanding, hands down giving Portia/Ellen a run for their style money here.
SHAILENE WOODLEY
TARON EDGERTON
Just your standard tux on a hot guy vibe, really.
CATE BLANCHETT
Oh goddddd why did she dress as a sunshine yellow vagina, why.
LUCY BOYNTON & RAMI MALEK
Lucy is my favourite red carpet attendee of the last few years, how PERFECT is this dress.
J.LO
Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done, Jennifer.
ZOE KRAVITZ
Heaven.
JODI COMER
She looks like a green version of the girl in Willy Wonka who eats the blueberry but it’s also Jodie’s vibe to wear batshit crazy stuff, and it just works ok? She makes it cool.
ROONEY MARA
Why does Rooney look like a youthful lass with consumption in the Edwardian era.
KERRY WASHINGTON
KERRY, WHAT THE HELL. WHAT IS THIS. I don’t even know where to start, the diamante harness? The duct-taped blazer? The stuff satin skirt? Christ. Get it away from me.
DAKOTA FANNING
I mean, sure if you were having an existential crisis about not being 6 years old anymore and just absolutely needed to wear a princess dress.
TAYLOR SWIFT
As my colleague Alex said, this SHOULD be heinous but somehow it… works?
GWYNETH PALTROW
I’ll tell you what will never, ever, in a million years work – poo brown tulle over a Hestia bra, Gwyneth.
LISA BONET & JASON MOMOA
ETERNAL MOM AND DAD.
