Here’s How The First Mercury Retrograde Of The Decade Is Gonna Fuck With Your Life

Time to batten down the hatches, folks, ‘coz Mercury retrograde is here – the first one of the decade, in fact.

From now until March 10, Mercury will be, to put it crudely, fucking shit up in the signs of Pisces and Aquarius.

You know the drill, watch what you say to your loved ones, allow extra time for travel, expect technology to fail, double check all documentation (yes, that includes flirty DMs and bitchy texts – don’t send that screenshot to the person you’re bagging out).

My research tells me that although this period will, of course, suck ass, there’s a slight silver lining: this retrograde will be the least intense of the three this year.

Why? ‘Coz Venus’ movements during this time will bring positive vibes, so although all the regular BS will likely happen, you’ll find beauty in the moments where you opt out of stressful situations and enjoy yourself some solo creative activities and Stan binges as you wait out the spiritual storm (unless your internet is down, that is…).

Anyway, here’s some astrological advice for each sign this retrograde…


Your recent dating slump will become even more complicated when Mercury retrograde brings a former flame back into your life (whether it’s an ex or someone you were eyeing but ghosted / ghosted you).

Last time may not have been right for the two of you but if it feels right this time, just bloody go for it.


A recent overshare has forced you to retreat back into your shell. In the words of Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman, “Big mistake. HUGE.”

You’ll never find true peace unless you voice your wants, needs and desires, so rather than being afraid of speaking up once again, grab that ram (Aries reference) by the horns and just fucken’ DO ET.


Sometimes it’s a bad idea to be overly analytical when it comes to your love life, but during this period of retrograde, analysis is key.

In the coming weeks you’ll either start to develop feelings for someone or an existing relationship will advance to the next level.

Be sure to proceed with caution at this time before making any major decisions as it may complicate your life even further.


Surprise, surprise, you’re in two minds about a certain someone.

So do you take things to the next step, or do you rein it in?

Much like you shouldn’t sign contracts or make important life choices at this time, also avoid making heavy relationship decisions as well.


Although we usually advise folks to avoid jumping into things during retrograde, the planets appear to be on your side this time ’round, Cancerian.

If you’re pondering whether or not to ask out your crush, the stars say GO FOR IT.

Just make sure it’s on your terms, not theirs.


Two things you need to be particularly aware of during this period:

  1. Overspending on unimportant shit (things like buying the same outfit in five different colours, getting that fifth margarita when you could easily opt for a glass of house white since everything tastes the same at that point, etc etc).
  2. Overdoing it on first dates (we know you can’t help showing off, but don’t frighten them away by being too overzealous).

In summary: just chill TF out until the cursed season passes.


There’s nothing worse than bottling up emotions and resentments – especially for a Virgo who needs everything to be just so.

To avoid a big blow-up, find a way to air your grievances with a loved one in a calm and peaceful way.

Just beware that communication is on the fritz at this time so be as tactful as possible.


God bless the Librans. They love life and they love love, so much so that they’ll pretty much rip the cardigan off their back to give to their loved ones.

Enough is enough, though.

If someone’s needy tendencies are sapping your strength, now’s the time to let it be known that you need some space and boundaries.


In addition to fuzzy TV screens and delayed buses, another major side effect of Mercury retrograde is the unexpected (and often unwelcome) return of ghosts from your past, whether it be ex-lovers, former friends or estranged relos.

I’m assuming things didn’t end well between you and this person and now they’re pretty much dead to you (you are a vengeful Scorpio, after all).

From one Scorp to another, lemme clue you in on a little revelation I had recently: Access to your energy is a privilege and therefore not everyone is entitled to a reply from you. If they did you dirty and you don’t see any chance of reconciliation, protect yourself and block their negativity from your life.


Once again you’re done with dating and just wanna focus on yourself and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, especially because deciphering dating games during retrograde is a pain in the ass.

It’s not that you’re swearing off dating forever, but it sounds like you need to take a breather to heal from your past fuck-ups and opt for some fun nights with mates who soothe your soul.


While some signs need me-time this retrograde, you’ve already had your me-time and now you’re on the prowl.

The only problem is that because communication has gone awry, you might find yours analytical skills a little off when it comes to choosing a date.

Perhaps consult a trusty friend who knows you through-and-through for advice on how to proceed next.


Your unexpected thirstiness will have you rifling through dating options which is often a bad thing to do during retrograde but you’re an individualistic Aquarius, so I know I can’t tell you what to do.

And hey, maybe you’ll end up finding the person of your dreams through this hazy period of dating confusion.

More power to ya, mate.