This is the story of Pedestrian’s 3 Day Juice Cleanse Adventure of 2011 and the many First World challenges it presented – kindly sponsored by metropolitan juice kings Urban Remedy Cleanse (the cleanse-of-choice for Lara Bingle, Charlotte Dawson and Vogue Editor-In-Chief Kirstie Clements)!
Gratuitous product shot:
There are four girls working in the Pedestrian office, and we regularly chat about ‘health and beauty’ which is magazine jargon for ‘losing weight’ which is just a subtle way that shallow people say ‘trying to be as thin as possible’.
Chicks, right!
Anyway, the Juice Cleanse concept came up during one of these discussions, and not long after the quadrangle of health that is Claire, Neha, Katie and me (Suz) embarked on our journey into liquids-only.
Our principle motivation behind doing the Cleanse (losing weight) is actually one of the “less vital” outcomes. A rep for Urban Remedy Cleanse said benefits include “feeling lighter, less bloated, less puffy and your eyes and skin will be brighter. You’re also likely to feel more focused and energised.”
Sounds like the exact opposite of PMS. Alluring!
But what about the less-desirable side effects to a 72-hour menu of just juice? (There’s only one toilet in our office so we wanted to know exactly which physiological effects that the word “cleanse” might pertain to, or more specifically: fear of explosive diarrhea.)
The rep said these include “headaches, tiredness, changes in digestion, increased perspiration and occasionally mild skin reactions”.
We experienced both the good and the bad, and one of us actually caved for free booze failed. We documented the three-day journey, and here it is….
DAY ONE
On a Monday the Urban Remedy Cleanse delivery guy dropped off all the packs for the three day cleanse. Let the self-improving begin…
Claire: “The juice people recommend that for the few days leading up to the cleanse you try and cut out meat/processed foods/alcohol/coffee etcetera. Cards on the table: I had meat and approximately two glasses of wine last night. You really can’t say no to an Irish woman offering you a roast – or a wine snob offering you something that will ‘blow your fucking mind off.’ So that could be why my first juice of the day is making me a little sad. Juice #1 took 68 minutes to drink/chew. #battling.
Claire (cont) Don’t feel hungry at all – but my brain is like ‘you should probably eat something yo’. Jerk. Acting like he doesn’t know what’s going on.
We are all smashing out some fruit- and veg-flavoured tunes to get us pumped.
“Rasberry Beret” – Prince
“Mrs Robinson” – The Lemonheads
“Sour Cherry” – The Kills
“Banana” Boat Song – Harry Belafonte
“Cherry Bomb” – The Runaways
“Strawberry Fields” – The Beatles
“Hollaback Girl” – Gwen Stefani (for the ‘this shit is bananas’ bit)
Juice #2 – much more delicious. Keep thinking about what I would like for lunch – then I remember I can’t…still don’t really feel hungry through.
Juice #3 – tastes like spinach flavoured arsehole.
[One hour later] Oh cool, Juice #4 is almost exactly the same flavours as Juice #3.
Juice #6 is not agreeing with my tastebuds. Have not got fevah 4 tha flava. Didn’t finish – still don’t feel hungry though. Good sign that I will live through the night.”
Suz: 9am Juice #1: “Technically I’ve skipped the proper Juice #1 because it has banana in it and I’m allergic to banana. Actually, I’m not really allergic to banana. I just can’t stomach those mush cylinders. And what the fuck is banana doing in an alleged ‘juice’ anyway? Last time I checked those penile yellow devils don’t have juice in them. A fruit without juice cannot be trusted. So I skipped to Juice #2.
Juice #2 is tasty and refreshing. The kind of juice I might choose for myself – like a pineapple and mint frappe. I feel satisfied but I miss my morning coffee. I also say out loud “I could have toast” when the scent of baked goods wafts by. Such is the intensity of the smell I get up to check that there’s not some creep with a palm frond fanning a crate of cake in my direction.
3.05pm Juice #4: I’m pretty hungry right now. I was just thinking how much I am looking forward to getting home and having dinner. Then I realised that I wasn’t having dinner. I was having juice. I’m going to have to play so much Mario Bros. on the Wii to distract me from being peckish – in addition to the normal compulsion to cram things in my mouth. I feel unusually sleepy too.
(Note: At the time I didn’t mention this out loud because I’d been saying stuff like “do you know how much a starving child in Africa would love to have a juice like that?” to shame anyone who complained. Was acting like smug dick. This later bit me in the ass.)
[FYI: With regards to feeling hungry during the Juice Cleanse, Urban Remedy’s rep said that “if you do, there are a few sneaky cheat foods you can get away with: miso soup, ½ avocado, celery or carrot sticks, a handful of raw almonds or cashews.”]
7:40pm Got home and was dead tired. I couldn’t even be bothered to sit around chatting to my boyfriend and like a selfish mouse I got in bed and fell asleep. I actually skipped the last juice of the day, mainly because I couldn’t be arsed. Going straight to bed was also a semi-tactical move because I knew that if I was sleeping I could avoid juice. Plus, I was fucking lethargic. I think I never really woke up this morning and was in a detox fog all day, which included not being able to speak coherently culminating in the worst 3-minute radio spot of all time.”
Katie: “Time to get cleansy! I’m super psyched to be starting the cleanse today. I’m normally fairly healthy with food and exercise etc. but unfortunately I kind of have the constitution of an 18 year old, which means sometimes the partying can get a bit hectic and in the way of the whole healthy lifestyle thing.
The juices are actually tasty. They definitely taste healthy – you can identify each nutrient-dense ingredient with every mouthful*** but as I like that kind of thing getting through each juice was not a chore at all… However, by end of the day I was super tired and grumpy as sin – for future cleansers, hang out with as few people as possible on this particular night unless you’re gunning to be crowned Miss Megabitch 2011.
DAY TWO
In which our diary entries got a lot shorter, the juice went down a little easier. We were all super smug.
Claire: Feeling pretty awake today – which is weird considering I stayed up new Community/Walking Dead/Glee/South Park/Workaholics/Boardwalk Empire episodes amount of time last night. Suspicious that it might be the juice…
Was looking forward to how filling Juice #1 is. Went down a treat today. All juices seem more delicious this time around. Even had half of Juice #6.
Suz: 7:30am Get up and feel pretty okay about it after having slept like a tranquilized pig at night. Had the puddle of drool on my pillow to prove it. Breath is amazingly fresh which I’m jazzed about. Probably because I didn’t eat or drink beer or smoke a cigarette last night (like I may have if wasn’t on the Cleanse). I drink some of the dinner juice (that sounds gross) for breakfast because I’m hungry after skipping the night time juices.
1pm: I’m pretty bored of juice. My skin is looking pretty good though.
[12 hours later]
7:30pm: Sipping on fizzy non-juice that is anti-cleansing my system. It’s champagne. TOOP TOOP! The Juice Cleanse is boring and I’ve failed. I’ve lost the right to be smug and superior which is really disappointing. But on the other hand I’ve won life.
Chocolate Drumstick
Katie: I slept really well last night, and woke up feeling mentally alert but quite weak of limb – it was easy to wake up and get up, but I was lethargic. I 100% recommend starting the day with hot water with half a lemon squeezed in and sipping on herbal tea in-between the juices, particularly in the arvo when the hunger pangs seemed to hit me the most.
I also felt a bit weird and crampy in the tummy in the afternoons and peppermint tea really helped to settle that.
The final juice, which is rice milk and raw cashews and a few other nutritious delights is very filling and you don’t go to bed feeling hungry at all.
DAY THREE:
Claire: “Totally in the swing of it now – today was pretty easy. Probably because I know it’s the last day – if we were doing the 5 day one I would heaps be delirious by now. The thought of eating anything too ‘heavy’ is totally killing my good vibes bro. This is definitely a good kick start to being super summer healthy – kind of would be keen to do a weekly one day cleanse (probably just DIY) & maybe a 3 day cleanse every few months. It definitely does make you feel ‘lighter’ – more streamlined – kind of like I could be the bobsled for a Jamaican Bobsleigh Team.”
Suz: 9am: “La la la! I’m drinking a large coffee!”
Katie: “Slept the best last night I have slept in ages! Woke up feeling so refreshed and had a really deep sleep. However, I have been waking up feeling ravenous every morning and I don’t normally feel hungry until I get to work at 9am. Weirdly, even though I was really hungry, I found Juice #1, which is a filling berry, acai, orange and banana ‘smoothie’ really hard to get through today.
I am kind of getting over drinking so much liquid and drinking the same thing at the same time every day is getting monotonous. But also I felt really good – mentally alert, high energy levels, super good mood and definitely feeling lighter.
Towards the end of the day though I was not so mentally alert and it felt like there was a buzzy bee circling round and round in my brain. When I realised I only had 2 juices and one sleep to go I felt pretty proud/smug. I won’t lie, I’m so excited to eat tomorrow, but I would totally do this again – maybe once a season type thing, just to give the 18 year old inside me a bit of a rest.”
CONCLUSIONS
We had originally intended to do before and after photos, as well as feedback on whether or not our weight had changed. Unfortunately we were too hungry/hungover to remember to do that, instead focusing on what food genre would make for the best post-Cleanse lunch.
That said, there’s no amount of weight loss or clarity of skin that could possibly compete with the terrific feeling of superiority over laymen who hadn’t just completed a three day juice cleanse. So if for no other reason, we can recommend doing it just for that.
And before you start telling me all about how liquid diets are dangerous and unhealthy, the Urban Remedy Juice Cleanse is not the same thing as a liquid diet. Urban Remedy Cleanse’s rep it’s all about what you’re putting into your body. She said ” A juice cleanse is not just detoxing and purging; it’s also about giving your body a massive dose of nutrients – vitamins, minerals, enzymes, phytochemicals and antioxidants. If you cleanse the body without giving anything back, it can leave you feeling sluggish and drained.”
**Katie works in sales.
