On Monday Chris Pratt accepted the ‘MTV Generation Award’ at the MTV Movie and TV Awards from his Parks & Rec bride Aubrey Plaza, and his Jurassic World bae, Bryce Dallas Howard, and in his speech he had some very specific, sometimes faeces-related life advice to impart to the “next generation“.
The Award goes to “an artist who has shown us a variety of impressive roles, a personal and professional flair and of course, an awesome level of talent” – which yeah, describes Pratt, a man we sometimes forget is super Christian, and maybe just is Andy Dwyer but buff now(???).
Plaza obviously took umbrage at the ‘variety’ part of that description, each of his characters described by her as being “dim-witted but loveable… with good intentions but not always the best ideas“.
We now reproduce the ‘Nine Rules from Chris Pratt’ in full:
- Breathe. If you don’t, you’ll suffocate.
- You have a soul. Be careful with it.
- Don’t be a turd. If you’re strong, be a protector, and if you’re smart, be a humble influencer. Strength and intelligence can be weapons, and do not wield them against the weak. That makes you a bully: be bigger than that.
- When giving a dog medicine, put the medicine in a little piece of hamburger: they wont even know they’re eating medicine.
- Doesn’t matter what it is, earn it. A good deed, reach out to someone in pain, be of service: it feels good and it’s good for your soul.
- God is real. God loves you. God wants the best for you. Believe that. I do.
- If you have to poop at a party, but you’re embarrassed because you’re going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do: lock the door, sit down, get all the pee out first, and then once all the pee’s done, poop, flush, boom. You minimise the amount of time that the poop is touching the air. Because if you poop first it takes you longer to pee and then you’re peeing on top of it stirring up the poop particles, create a cloud, goes out and then everyone in the party will know that you pooped. Just trust me, it’s science.
- Learn to pray. It’s easy and it’s so good for your soul.
- Nobody is perfect. People are gonna tell you you’re perfect just the way you are: you’re not. You are imperfect, you always will be, but there is a powerful force that designed you that way. And if you’re willing to accept that, you will have grace, and grace is a gift. And like the freedom we enjoy in this country, that grace was paid for with somebody else’s blood: do not forget it. Don’t take it for granted.
You can see all the Jesus stuff for yourself and we choose not to comment on it (it is nice when people believe in things and it is not nice to rag on them for it). Instead, while acknowledging how nice his anti-bullying/be a good person comments are, we would like to highlight just how wild but also true number seven is.
If you have to poop at a party, but you’re embarrassed because you’re going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do: lock the door, sit down, get all the pee out first, and then once all the pee’s done, poop, flush, boom. You minimise the amount of time that the poop is touching the air. Because if you poop first it takes you longer to pee and then you’re peeing on top of it stirring up the poop particles, create a cloud, goes out and then everyone in the party will know that you pooped. Just trust me, it’s science.
We are all Olivia Munn reacting in the audience.
People on the internet were also pretty stoked to see Plaza and Pratt hanging out again – the highlight being this pic with Finn Wolfhard, who could totally pass as the grown-up version of their Parks & Rec son.
Aubrey Plaza and Chris Pratt are sitting next to each other this tew much #MTVAwards pic.twitter.com/GAhKXO3jNY
— Brianna McGarry (@Brim0425) June 19, 2018
so aubrey plaza and chris pratt we’re sitting next to each other at the mtv awards uh pic.twitter.com/9xtSJvdZdH
— ⭒ (@telepathj) June 17, 2018