A little-known fact about me is that I’m obsessed with weird celebrity animal attacks. From birds swooping on supermodels to sea lions trying to snatch mobile phones, I can’t get enough. Because it’s the weekend, and because there’s literally nobody around to stop me, I present you with this list of my favourite celebrity run-ins with the animal kingdom. Please enjoy.
The bees that chased Jameela Jamil:
Jameela Jamil is the current queen bee of celebrity animal attacks, having been chased by swarms of the flying creatures on two or possibly three occasions. The actress said that a swarm of bees chased her into traffic as a teenager, leading to injuries that left her bedridden for a year.
The same thing happened again when filming The Good Place, with Jamil telling Jimmy Fallon that she was chased by bees and hit by a car during Season One. She was also menaced by a “cloud” of around five hundred bees while interviewing Mark Ronson several years ago.
jameela jamil: 0 pic.twitter.com/86IrNSd4c2
— jade thirlwall stan (@zendayandnight) February 12, 2020
Without trying to be too much of a buzzkill, Mark Ronson himself does not quite remember the story that way. Jamil has also walked back at least one of her stories, so we may never know the true extent of her bee-based encounters.
The sea lion that tried to rob Shakira:
On a visit to South Africa in 2012, a sea lion got up in the Colombian singer’s face, looked her in the eye and “roared in fury” before her brother chased it away. She reckons that the creature saw the shiny reflection blackberry in her hand as she took photos and thought it was “some sort of fish.”
“It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it.”
“There’s a sea lion in the closet, don’t let it out or it’ll try and bloody snatch Shakira’s phone.”
The bees that attacked Blake Lively before her 27th birthday:
Remember that time Blake Lively was attacked by bees (or maybe wasps) at a fall fashion photo shoot? I’ll never forget it. I don’t even have that much to say about this one, other than it’s one of my favourite headline and image combos of all time.
Honestly, when will your faves get attacked by bees before their 27th birthday?
The skunks that came for Dakota Johnson:
Back in 2018, Dakota Johnson had a problem with skunks invading her Hollywood Hills home. The creatures – otherwise known as “stink badgers” – came around no fewer than four times, and even did a number on her house on the day of the Golden Globes.
Did she ever get rid of them or are they still riling up the neighbourhood dogs and spraying her house with stink? I am haunted by the fact that I might never know.
The jellyfish that stung Selena Gomez:
Over the new year, Selena Gomez was holidaying in Hawaii when she was stung on the foot by what observers say was “probably a Portuguese man o’ war”. She had to be carried away by a friend, but was undeterred, and posted some lovely snaps of the holiday.
Selena has since bounced back with her third consecutive number one album, which is a fucksight more impact than any jellyfish has ever made on the charts. We are legally required to Stan.
The kinkajou that bit Paris Hilton:
Way back in the more innocent era of 2006, Paris Hilton used to roll with a kinkajou called Baby Luv. A kinkajou is a kind of “tropical rainforest mammal” native to South America, and if you were thinking it’s unwise for people to keep them as pets, then you’d be spot on.
One morning, the reality star was frolicking with Baby Luv when the creature became excited and bit her on the left arm. She was treated at a nearby hospital, but the injuries were superficial, and fortunately, she was able to go on promoting her debut album Paris the next day. God, what a time to be alive.
The goose that flew into Fabio’s face:
In what may have been the mother of all celebrity animal attacks, model and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spokesman Fabio was left bloodied when a goose flew into his face while riding a roller coaster.
I actually never knew the full context of this insane picture until now, but apparently the roller coaster, at Busch Gardens amusement park in Williamsburg, was called Apollo’s Chariot. Per an account from 1999: “Fabio was portraying Apollo and he was riding the roller coaster with over 30 women dressed as goddesses, many of whom were spattered with blood during the two minute ride.”
Fabio survived, but unfortunately, the bird did not.
The puffin that bit Gordon Ramsay:
Speaking of dead birds, does anyone else remember the time a puffin bit Gordon Ramsay on the face, so he had it killed and ate its heart? This is why I’m genuinely afraid of this man. What a hard cunt.
The horny dolphins that got too friendly with Jessica Alba:
While filming her Flipper TV series in the 90s, a young Jessica Alba had a run-in with some horny dolphins. She later told MTV:
“I don’t know if anybody knows this but dolphins get excited, even when you are a human being, and they have long, long … I didn’t know this until I was being poked by a few of them, which was very rude. I think I learned my lesson. I sort of request female dolphins after that because those are horny little bastards.”
Image: Getty Images / Kevin Mazur / Venturelli / iStock / Ken Canning / AAP / Steve Earley