‘BACHIE’ RECAP: The Blokes Literally Brawl Over Ali & She’s Not Into It

Welcome to Thursday night, Bachie night, with your good friends at PEDESTRIAN.TV. Time for another Bachie recap, woo woo.

Ali has a healthy active lifestyle so is shown running, and reflecting on her choice to dump Rob, and Charlie‘s shitty actions at the cocktail party: “Who does Charlie think he is trying to tell me what to do?

Her way to resolve that tension is to take him on Not A Date! to the boxing ring/gym. Yes, reward him for being shitty by spending more time alone with him, great job. Now he remains extremely confident that he’s the winner. This is not how to respond to a guy demanding you hang out with him more because you’re too “spread out” dating the other six dudes still in this contest.

If she smashes him then he’ll be all ‘I let her win’, I know it. She admits this is just her releasing frustration. I want her to destroy him. He patronisingly says “You’re good“, like it’s a surprise. She was not going to invite you here Charlie and then flounce around like ‘Teach me pls’, because hey, all men, whenever a woman pulls that shit, she is lying. She knows how to kickbox, play chess, whatever, and she is letting you feel like a big boy who knows things.

I wish he wasn’t wearing pads and she was just beating him up. This could’ve become like a fun action movie, a Charlie’s Angels power thing. She gets him on the floor and she’s satisfied.

She did a clothesline on him!

Back at the house Todd is finally like ‘I get you, Bill!’ because Bill has been calling Charlie out for being possessive since the very beginning. The both of them – plus poor overlooked Dan – are just like, yeah, this guy is showing the signs of a controlling, abusive boyfriend.

This is absolutely the worst date I can imagine. Working out together is not my idea of a good time. He uses sit-ups and planking as an excuse to give her kisses on the mouth, no good. She considers this clearing the air, and it isn’t. She just wants to prove she’s not a pushover, but guess what, honey, you don’t need to prove anything. And it’s unlikely you’ll be able to change this deeply possessive man. Anyway, we find out after the break she gave him a rose. Ugh.

It’s time for a group date with everybody where it’s like some weird apocalyptic thing, I don’t know, it’s a contest. Taite can’t say the word. They pair up and the leftover guy, Todd, gets Ali. Hope the moisturiser burn was worth it Paddy. Of course Charlie is infuriated! What a bore!

Haha, what fun!

It’s a weird survivalist thing, so they’re meant to collect supplies and hoard ’em while literally attached to each other. I assume they can also steal them from each other. Let’s just fast-forward to the tension shall we? Fact: they’ve all got their own names on their shirts, how did they know the colour teams so far in advance? Are they stuck-on, maybe they should nick the letters instead of each other’s stuff.

This is going to be a lot of masculine energy and I feel like I want to be as far away as possible. They’re teasing each other. Why are they getting one thing at a time? They know they just need three at a time. They’re now nicking from each other because there’s nothing in the middle. Meanwhile Todd and Ali are holding hands and have wine, and did he just call her “babycakes“?

Nothing to see here, just some casual hand holding.

Time for a full-on biffo between Paddy and Bill. Bill tore Paddy’s shirt. There’s a brief respite, but in the final minutes the boys go back in to nick stuff from them again and it’s basically a brawl. This is the good shit. Osher tells ’em to quit it. Ali is enjoying them fighting over her affection, but pretends not to be: “No, seriously, stop.” There were some actual punches thrown, but Charlie just considers the effort of his partner a job well done.

Yeah Ali’s not into the masculinity at play rn. The two boysiest boys were eliminated because Taite and Bill’s ploy worked! Everyone thinks this will send Paddy out of here.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Anyway, the six dudes who are through get to have a sleepover party!!!! Which is what they have been doing for weeks now!!! It’s in the mansion where they live! Probably gonna stay up all night talking about boys and watching Final Destination movies!! Paddy and Charlie get to hang out alone, as we presume they always do. Literally what they have won here is more time with Ali in a group in their jammies.

Ali is wearing leopard print jammies, very conservative except for the short short. Dinner time, fun family cooking activity! I think they’re making a stir fry. Or just a salad? Todd can’t open a bottle of olive oil?? But Taite can with ease.


He takes her for a chat, like this is the cocktail party, and not just a group hang. She asks to go to his bedroom so this might be more than a chat. They grab a blanket and go hang out on the verandah to touch noses/probably pash. He says he didn’t know if he even wanted love when he came in here, but now he REALLY DOES. He is genuinely worried about being heartbroken by Ali, he says. She enjoys that.

The dudes don’t like waiting for them to come back. Bill’s gonna go interrupt just like he’s in a cocktail party. Ali doesn’t want to stop cuddling Taite. “I feel like I can’t breathe around you sometimes,” she says. “I’m absolutely, 100% falling for you, and it scares me and it excites me. You make my heart melt.” Yeah Taite’s our winner. Time for a pash! She deffo is not this on board with any of the others.

*audible smooching*

We skip straight to the cocktail party because maybe that convo with Bill did not go well. But she’s going to talk to him now, and Charlie is pleased because they’re going to a spot where he believes bad things happen because it’s super private and people don’t interrupt. Anyway, the conversation actually seems real nice. Charlie is wrong and it’s fun to juxtapose against him bragging about what a good read of people and situations he is. Todd could barely hide a smile at that one. Meanwhile, Ali is literally just complimenting and snogging Bill.

Bill comes back and says it was perfect, Charlie thinks his point about Bill being a bad dude is proven because he thinks he’s lying and hiding the dramatic bit (that didn’t happen), so he winks at Paddy. Nope to that wink. He’s so smug. Charlie laughs so hard at Paddy asking point blank what they were talking about. Bill is keeping the convo private because it’s none of their business. In a piece to camera he calls Charlie a wanker, and he’s right to do it.


ROSE CEREMONY! Paddy is totally going home because they have literally never connected and he showed some weird true colours on the group date. Also TWIST, she is knocking the group of seven down to five, so that probably means the end of poor Dan in his Willy Wonka suit too.

An entirely unsurprising result here, my Bachie-loving friends: she keeps Handsome Todd. Why wouldn’t she? This final five is basically what you could’ve picked out at the very beginning. The goodbye interview with Todd is great because he’s happy his Tinder is “gonna be going mental“. You go get ’em.

Shakas and bye.

Until next week, lonelyhearts.