Honestly, I think the only people celebrating Halloween in 2020, where the entire YEAR has basically been Halloween except more demony and virusy, is the Bachelorette crew.

Yep, we’ve copped a Halloween-themed episode, complete with itchy, polyester outfits and plenty of plastic waste! It’s all essentially an excuse to make the dudes look ridiculous though, which I 100% back.

So we start with everyone dressed to the nines, and by that I mean everyone is getting contact dermatitis from a plethora of cheap dollar store outfits.

does anyone else feel a burning in their crevices, no just me?

They’re all headed to a group date at the Bachie mansion, which has been transformed with spiderwebs and literally every single Halloween thing you can get from the dollar store. The Sydney dollar stores? They’re sold out of Halloween shit now, thanks to Bachie. Sorry kids. No fun for you this year.

Once everyone has sufficiently wet their pants care of some lacklustre jump-scares, it’s down to business. Truth or dare, except everyone has to answer the truth but only one person has to do dares? Confusing rules, guys.

The first truth question is about peoples favourite body parts, which is boring and everyone just tries to say “my dick” without outwardly saying “my dick”.

“my groin area above the thigh but below the abs”

Next, we cop a hectic q. Have you ever cheated on anyone. A bunch of guys sheepishly put up their hands, but then Becky HERSELF pops her hand up, and it’s like when you’re in class and the teacher asks a trick question and you NAIL IT, coz now all the cheater dudes are like fuck yeah, GOTCHA GUYS! Turns out it’s GOOD that I fucked ten other people behind my partner’s back in 2017!!

You can practically SEE Elly internally screaming at her sis for stealing the limelight here

Things get srs, of course. Becky explains how she feels remorse about cheating when she was in her early 20s, and the guilt that she carried with her. The guys also get quite morose and the mood is the PITS. I feel like this backfired somewhat and got a bit TOO emotional for the producers, because we essentially then skip ahead to Fraser doing a nuddy run for no reason!

you know what can heal crippling guilt from betrayal? NUDE WHITE BUTTS

Also can we note how we keep copping gratuitous shots of the gals drinking beers? YOU’RE FROM THE COUNTRY. WE GET IT.

*laughs in well-placed beverage*

We also cop a look at whatever THIS abomination is.

BURN IT WITH FIRE

Then we crack on with the pacifically-in-the-specific questions – namely, what’s the history between Joe and Elly.

*sweats*

Elly answers, saying they spent a weekend together but then both were on different paths, she got offered Bachelorette, the end. Subtext: they hooked up at a party and kept hooking up all weekend, then post-root someone ghosted the other person. I’m assuming Elly ghosted Joe since she didn’t immediately shove him into the pool upon entry.

After the ad break we cop a first date! It’s the Tarzan guy and Elly, and because this show has ZERO chill, they send them to a zoo. Tarzan? Animals? Get it?

I mean, honestly.

It gets worse. In even more un-chill areas, their date task (and it is a TASK) is to paint each other in what feels borderline probbo art.

Do Simba

It’s all a bit strange. Why are we painting each other in animal print? Why has Tarzan got his shirt off? Why are we even here? Whatever, they kiss.

That’s pretty cute, actually.

Elly says she feels something different with Tarzan, but clearly it wasn’t different enough for me to bother learning his name! Next up is Becky, who has invited this guy to her house specifically so he can cook her pasta.

A POWER MOVE BECKY, WE STAN

Honestly, this is the kind of dating I can get behind. “Come over and be my little bitch, thanks”. Petition for all dates to involve the other person who isn’t me cooking me dinner/rubbing my cankles/buying me new outfits at the shops.

Off to the cocktail party! Everyone is still hung up on the Joe situation. For some reason, none of the bros can understand what “a weekend together” means. IT MEANS THEY FUCKED FOR A BIT, OBVIOUSLY.

Fraser, do we need to explain what sex is first?

They crowd around Joe to hassle him about it, and honestly – is this man the most angeliest angel from heaven? He is PERFECTION. Just refuses to give details, keeps saying he is happy for Elly to say whatever she wants but that he doesn’t want to disrespect her by giving details himself. Christ, more dudes like this in the Bachie franchise, please.

I mean, let’s be real – he’ll probably end up on Bachie In Paradise and turn out to be Ciarran 2.0. But for now, we stan.

You know who already is in Camp Ciarran? This fuckwit:

Please leave

Unless this guy got the shittest edit of all time, he is the current king of sexist pigs in the house. He keeps banging on about how it’s “unfair” that Joe and Elly have a history, how it puts Joe ahead of the pack and gives him an unfair advantage.

MY DUDE. This isn’t The Amazing Race. You aren’t gunning for a $20k cash prize, you’re seeing if you and the Bachelorette have a connection. GROSS, honestly.

He keeps strutting around complaining about it all, while everyone else is like dude, you need to take it down 40 notches. Then, RIGHT when he’s got a chance to talk to Elly – the cocktail party wraps up. LOLLLLLLL BEAUTIFUL WORK, PRODUCERS.

Off we go to the rose ceremony. Nothing of note happens, except I realised there is a SECONDARY LONG-HAIRED WHITE MAN?

Whomst are YOU???

Before I can even work out if my eyes are playing tricks on me though, he gets swiftly booted.

Bye, secondary long-haired white man. We barely knew thee.

Oh well, see ya. Tomorrow night it looks like sexist pig guy doesn’t, in fact, fuck everything up by telling Elly about his unfair advantage theory, but instead is “emotional” and “open” with her. Christ on a bike.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and is still unsure if secondary long-haired white man even existed before this episode. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter