Welp my friends, we’re on the home stretch of this Bachelor In Paradise bullshit – yes, even Channel 10 I suppose had to admit that expecting their fanbase to sit through 4 x 1.5 hour sessions weekly of what is the television equivalent of a mediocre Tinder date was a bit rich.
Instead, they’ve just PACKED the last set of eps with so much drama we actually may have forgotten some of it. There was Elora carving in on Simone‘s “man” Apollo via questionable from a safety perspective fire twirling, Rachael saying “I’m 33” so many times that Thomas probably just thought she was a planted bot and not a human he could form a relationship with, and Flo just flopping around like a useless seal bc why did they even bring her the fuck back.
As always, I (Mel, Senior Style Editor) and Josie (Head of Editorial) are here, staying up til all hours to bring you our hot (lukewarm at best) takes.
JOSIE: Julien just asked “so are we gonna watch Love Island after this”. My god the man is addicted to terrible horny reality tv.
MEL: HELLO MATEY. And oh, Julien. He’s hooked. The next recaps will be just Julien doing them unpaid. Look I’m making spagot for dinner:
JOSIE: Is that speghwg. Wow. Spaghet.
MEL: Hahahaha wow. We’ll be keeping that typo in, tyvm. Speghwg – it’s new name forever. Ok here we go. Do you reckon they made a diorama of the resort for the opening shots? It always looks nice and then it’s like “BAM welcome to overcast HELL motherfuckers!” once we see the contestants.
JOSIE: Oh yeah they probably did pre-shooting beforehand.
MEL: Mum’s watching with me tonight, against her will. Has already fallen asleep.
JOSIE: Hahaha Helen. Well played. Apollo describing Simone’s demon eyes is so funny.
MEL: Fully. She is not taking his gentle verbal poke of “haha you are a jealous psychopath who is mean” very well.
JOSIE: He does not understand that he’s in a horror movie and 80% of the people are actual evil supernatural beings. He’s the dumb beautiful hero of the film.
MEL: He really is, and Ali is the heroine who has had her brain poisoned. I really reckon Grant is going to royally fuck her over soon.
JOSIE: Not being a bitch but has everyone aged 10 years under the patchy Fijian sun?
MEL: I don’t know how they have gotten so burnt when it is literally ALL cloud cover, all the time.
JOSIE: Did Rachael and Thomas couple dress on purpose? In Essendon FC colours?
MEL: I can’t believe Rachael was pressuring Thomas for commitment already. Surely at this point they’ve been together for 30 hours.
JOSIE: I know it’s insane! Like you went on one zesty golf date, just calm down. Have another mango daiquiri.
MEL: Although Rachael is me I’m not going to lie.
JOSIE: Really?!!! Nah.
MEL: Er, YEAH. Idk like sometimes you just wanna know if someone is keen for the same shit you are? But I do admit the fact she came on THIS show looking for love is a joke and a fucking half.
JOSIE: Hahahahaha. But I don’t like her and I like you.
MEL: “I don’t like her and I like you” – Josie logic for who is insane and who is just a zesty enchilada.
JOSIE: Hahahahaha. Love a spicy Mexican dish. Hate a Fatal Attraction. Meanwhile tonight I’m having leftovers of last nights pasta. Wishing I had wine.
MEL: Pasta is eons better the day after, everyone knows this. Your pasta > my spagot, absolutely.
JOSIE: Omg the wine gods are smiling on me!
JOSIE: Okay Tara and Sam are grossing me out tonight. Stop with the smewch noises I cannot.
MEL: Look after the strong rumours that they co wrote THE LETTER I am a bit off them.
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 23, 2018
JOSIE: Same. Also, Simone sounded so unhinged when Elora wanted a chat with Apollo. “She took him away from meeee”.
MEL: I KNOW but also I hated that she revealed she has genuine trust issues. Like Simone don’t tell me your issues are real! I want to just blindly think you’re a sociopath who has no soul! Not some hurt woman who has real hangups about herself and probably needs to see a nice psychologist a few times! That’s REAL and this show is not for real things.
JOSIE: Meanwhile an early #FashionsOfFiji – I like Rachael’s dress but I definitely just saw her vagina.
MEL: I’m Apollo leaning ever so slightly away from her as she hits on him hard. Also I almost saw both Flo Rida and Rachael’s vagina’s. Which like go for it you babes of women but also in a very real way do you want to have a Britney circa 2006 moment bc you’re on your way.
JOSIE: I don’t think anyone here wears undies.
MEL: Also – what had Flo Rida done with her bronzer for the rose ceremony. It was like she took the “apply where the sun naturally hits your face” rule and then went “also, make it look like the sun hit your face for 30 years, no sunscreen”.
JOSIE: Oh my god American Jared is such a dweeb. His convo with Flo was so cringe.
MEL: What a terrible, chemistry free conversation they had.
JOSIE: When Elora and Apollo were prepping for their fire twirling hang time (honestly, what) I was like “Wow was this oil necessary for the situation?”
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 23, 2018
MEL: The oil, if anything, seems like a fire hazard to me.
JOSIE: Apollo’s skin will straight up burst into flames.
MEL: Next scene – two Bachelor contestants are evicted from the island because they are now LITERALLY ON FIRE.
JOSIE: Also how good was the juxtaposition of Simone’s emotional crisis and Apollo/Elora doing their terrible fire twirling? * dramatic music , bad fire twirling * “I can’t deal with this”.
MEL: The best. The absolute best. Slow clap for the producers on that one. I have to say Apollo twirling the fire sticks did something to me in my loins.
JOSIE: I was waiting for Apollo to set fire to his beautiful face and run screaming towards the Fiji sludge tbh. Also – WAIS TIME. God I just live for that delightful man to show up.
MEL: Wais is so done with his agony aunt job. He wishes he never accepted the extra pay to listen to these cretins.
JOSIE: Totally – when no one else cares, wheel in the underpaid bartender.
MEL: Okay so – Simone sucks but she was right – how did Apollo not see that Elora was trying to “tie one on”, as an 80 year old nan would say.
JOSIE: Classic Man Apollo: oh wow I didn’t think that this highly sexed situation with another woman could possibly upset the girl I’m seeing?
JOSIE: The fact is: girls always know what other girls are up to.
JOSIE: And boys are just like “LA LA LAAAAA”. And then it makes YOU sound crazy when you bring it up. “She just oiled me up and then herself up and then we writhed around half naked on the beach but Elora’s chill hey”.
MEL: Is this Fuckboy Island? I feel like it’s just men stomping on women’s hearts left right and centre.
JOSIE: Meanwhile – why are people like Flo worried about staying? I’d be calling the next Uber to the airport. Fuckboy Island is hell on earth.
MEL: Yeah what does Flo even want from this place now? There’s no one else coming in for her to meet.
JOSIE: It’s 100% producer drama.
MEL: Love how we have gotten to the point with reality tv where “producer drama” is a normal phrase.
JOSIE: Remember on Big Brother when Gretel wouldn’t let them blame the editing in the eviction chats ahaha.
MEL: Hahahaha we have moved so far away from that. But also I reckon Flo just wanted the Insta followers tbh. Like, keep me in this grey, sludgy island prison so my Insta following keeps RACKING THE FUCK UP BABEY.
JOSIE: That rose ceremony was intense. Apollo dead set looked like he’s going to cry for half of it and then afterwards he DID bloody cry, the sweet angel. Also, Ali has 100% been possessed by Demon Grant. She hasn’t blinked once since they met.
MEL: I love how I’ve pre-decided – partially because of rumours circling but also just because it seems like a thing he would do – that Grant’s gonna fuck Ali over and therefore every moment in like “NOW??? IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN NOW!!??” Even when there’s been absolutely no lead-up for it whatsoever.
JOSIE: Hahahaha, like he’ll say “Flo” at the rose ceremony or some shit.
MEL: Exactly. Just out of nowhere.
JOSIE: I felt so nervous during that ceremony. Why am I invested.
MEL: I know – I’m so anxious during this show in general now, and I literally hate EVERYONE so why do I care who stays or goes or hooks up?
JOSIE: Oh my god, when American Jared started his speech (another god damn speech ffs) about searching for love I was like “Mate. It’s a reality show. It’s not real”.
MEL: He was an angel to the end though, hey. Just honestly there to find love I think. What an adorable idiot. Also the moment Osher said that rose was void, all the lost Instagram followers flashed before Flo Rida’s eyes.
JOSIE: Meanwhile Elora was about to throw a fire stick at Apollo to get his attention. Can we talk about the music at those ceremonies? Julien was like “it’s hit Avengers battle levels of intensity”.
MEL: It really has. Like guys this isn’t The Hunger Games. OR IS IT. (I wish it was). Omg when Apollo mouthed “I’m sorry” to Elora over Simone’s shoulder? Apollo this also isn’t The Notebook. In short, this show is nothing beyond a few has-beens mincing around an island trying to cop a quick root, some social media fame and a free holiday.
JOSIE: Flo’s after-ceremony chat to camera made me laugh. “I’m so done” as though she she done on her own terms? Obviously, Flo, you absolutely ARE done, you did not get a rose. That’s how this show works you big dummy.
MEL: When she was whinging on about leaving having achieved nothing, my Mum woke from her eternal slumber to throw this choice last minute entry into the mix. “She just got sunburnt basically. Bad sunburn on the chest is what she achieved”.
JOSIE: Hahahahaha excellent areas. Also wow about that post rose-ceremony drama. We never see that stuff.
MEL: I’m calling it – Apollo was too sweet for this show. He’s couldn’t handle the intensity and manipulation. Apollo you sweet moron, NO ONE WAS THERE FOR LOVE. It’s about your Instagram following and how many paid ads for protein shakes and teeth whiteners you can cop when you leave and that is all.
JOSIE: I think he wasn’t handling his transition into a demon. He’s fought the possession and won. “I’M STILL IN HERE”.
MEL: Hahahaha. He upset me so much when he was crying though.
JOSIE: I interviewed him once, he’s a sweet soul. He seemed really anxious about the whole experience on Paradise and clearly wasn’t 100% invested in Simone but did like her.
MEL: It was kind of a cute convo though, him saying he knew they had differences and he wanted to see if they would grow to like each other aside from them on the outside.
JOSIE: Yeah I thought it was a cute convo too. He was honest and she was honest.
MEL: The music was like they’re having a baby though.
JOSIE: Oh my god I thought I heard a baby crying on the island just after you said that. And was like wow Tara and Sam move fast. Anyway, I’m so confused about what happens next. Physical challenges? Like Survivor kicks in? They have to solve giant puzzles on the sand while Jonathan LaPaglia watches on?
MEL: “Now you will FIGHT TO THE DEATH. MAY THE STRONGEST COUPLE WIN.” And Jarrod would win since he is yet to shed a layer of skin even though he has remained the most sunburnt human in existence for 2 full weeks.
JOSIE: Everyone is so burnt because the sun finally came out and they got excited.
MEL: OK so Rachael – she WAY needed to leave the single and alone shit OUT of the show.
JOSIE: Honestly, I was like “if Rachael pulls the I’M 33 AND SINGLE CARD ONE MORE TIME…”
MEL: Us: hey Rachael so nice to… Rachael: I’M 33 and SINGLE!
JOSIE: It’s depressing when women wear it like a hat. It shouldn’t define you. Like yes, it’s part of your life but shouldn’t define your existence.
MEL: Yeah like I get it can be shit, absolutely I’ve been there but MATE find your life positives. I should be Bachelor In Therapy’s lead psychologist.
JOSIE: Like in a way you can see why Leah was like “Okay bye!” Because she’d been there since day 1 and gone on heaps of dates, and been rejected.
MEL: Totally, but also you are 10000% not finding your soul mate on Bachie.
JOSIE: Especially like Rachael having been there for 2 days? Anyway Thomas rejecting her – that was fucken brutal.
MEL: It actually made me so sad. Her energy changed bc she was nervous and scared he didn’t like her enough. And that in turn made him not like her enough. 🙁 Fuck this episode and its real, raw emotions! Give me the manipulated jealous drama again!
JOSIE: I know what you mean. But then I think… THEY’RE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE. For crying out loud, what did she expect to find.
MEL: Yeah if I take the actual situation out of the context I’m like “oh man you poor little egg here come out for margaritas with me, let’s go make some bad decisions”. But then when I remember they’re on a terrible tv show designed to give max entertainment I think “HAHAHAHAHAHAAA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HONEY”.
JOSIE: Yeah like I feel for her but at the same time I’m like “go on Tinder not Bachie”. Like this was not the right place to find love. No to sludgy putt putt.
MEL: Sludgy putt putt ended up being a forewarning of their sludgy relationship. Wowsers I am stressed for the finales, by the way.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Megan’s voice going up 7 octaves asking Jake “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT COMMITMENT??”
MEL: If only we could make a pub stream it for us and invite all our (5) super fans. Also I’m Ali’s conspicuously engagement-y looking diamond ring btw. Ok, bye mate!
JOSIE: Meanwhile – when you can’t hear your AFL chat show over your boyfriend watching After Paradise.
MEL: Hahaha. Gotta get that BTS drama.
Love our batshit recap? Head back to Pedestrian.TV on Sunday to see all our thoughts on the 1st part of the super dramatic finale.