‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Someone Straight-Up Put Simone In Time Out, Please God

Bachelor In Paradise Recap Episode 11 Simone Ormesher Apollo
Contributor: Melissa Mason, Josephine Rozenberg-Clarke

What even the fuck is this show, guys. Have we all lost our minds? We’re now literally just watching emotionally unhinged Instagram influencers losing their fucking minds over relationships that have spanned, at maximum, a week and a half.

Last night saw Simone the Snake go to town on Rachael because she dared to look remotely in the direction of her man Veiny Apollo, Jake the Fuckboy take multiple sassy sips of his cocktail as Megan hightailed it off to mack on with Thomas/John Franco in some scary black water (hello, start of Anaconda) and the rumblings of a bitch fit in Leah as American Jared starts eyeballing new gals.

As always, your faves (me, Mel – Senior Style Editor and Josie, my boss/Head of Editorial) are here to live in your brain and say everything you were thinking.

JOSIE: Mate, hi. Can I just say TenPlay‘s got the goods whipping these eps up so quickly after they air. I had dinner with the Melb team at some fancy joint in the city and now I’m here just tucking into my dessert.

just a lovely fruit salad for dessert

MEL: Absolutely – now I can play netball (we lost terribly) but still sit for an hour and a half and watch trash with you! Fantastic areas. Let’s get into it – it was good to see Elora is forgiving but not forgetting until she completely forgave and forgot. Do you reckon she was told to pick Eden? Gross if so. Anyway, she was over it big time by the end – why the fuck was she lounging all over him?

JOSIE: I found it weird that she cared about Eden’s feelings, he didn’t seem to care about hers? What he did was so fucked. I would have drowned him in the murky waters of Fiji. I couldn’t believe she was lounging all over the Head Demon either. Get OFF, Elora!

MEL: Do you WANT to get cursed, Elora? Do you? Get away from him and his crazy eyes, JFC. 1800-how-is-Eden-still-fucking-here.

JOSIE: OMG.When I saw those terrible wedges incoming I knew it was going to be some excellent bullshit. And then it was like YASSSS ROSE EATING SASHA!

yum tastes like desperation

MEL: Why did that ever happen, her eating the rose. It was so fantastic? But so bloody weird? Just munching away relaxingly on a rose.

JOSIE: Meanwhile I do not remember this Rachael character at all. I watched that whole season and I wouldn’t know this woman if she popped up in my bath. OMG when Eden fixed his demon eyes on them, I was just like RUN GIRLS RUN.

MEL: Honestly when she said she was eliminated after hometown visits I thought “ummm were you or were you just never on the show beb”.

JOSIE: Hahahahaha yes if there was no footage to support the meeting of Rachael and Richie I just straight up would not have believed her?

MEL: Omg I thought she was going to say “I haven’t met anyone since Richie bc I still love him” and I was gonna be like MATE SAME. Mood and a half, Richie is sex on legs these days.

Hey Richie wanna be my side piece

JOSIE: Wow Mel you are really on a Richie dick at the moment, I’m not judging though. Tag yourself I’m the muscle shirt Apollo was forced to put on by the other guys, threatened by his slab of concrete-like appearance.

MEL: I’m American Jared’s business casual shirt. Is he going to meet with corporate? This is a nice segue into #FashionsOfFiji by the way.

JOSIE: When you’ve got a deal to close in the AM and mango daiquiris to chug in the PM. Meanwhile, Osher’s shirt was Zest Central. He looked so proud of it too.

MEL: He definitely dressed himself.

JOSIE: My mate Al goes “good to see Jarrod wearing blue”. Imagine if they put that poor sunburnt boy in red. He just would have looked like a pair of legs walking around.

MEL: Right?? The man is magenta. I’m truly concerned his entire face is going to peel off in one go, like a snake.

JOSIE: And he’ll just be a round flesh ball on a neck. So Leah was being soooo annoying about American Jared. He was a nice buffet hutch to her two minutes ago and now she’s all like HE IS MINE BACK OFF.

MEL: Leah was painful. What was with her commandeering Rachael? As though if she kept her in swing prison then American Jared couldn’t hook up with her?

JOSIE: She practically had that girl in a headlock. Also – does Rachael blink? She literally hasn’t blinked on this show yet. She’s another robot. They just swapped Michael out for a new model.

What is eyelids?

MEL: Jarrod and Keira’s cute date. Oh man those adorable kids are the best thing that’s ever graced the screen in this show.

JOSIE: I’m sorry and no offence to the show but the dates are so lame. Kayaking? Touch football? Rolling around in sludge? It’s not the glam vibes of The Bachelor is it.

MEL: Yep the dates are awful. Budget Bachie is what I’m calling this show.

JOSIE: But like at the same time my face hurt smiling at how cute that date was. Jarrod looked so chuffed the whole time.

O Jarrod I love u and ur magenta bonce

MEL: It was all cute during the footy game but then it was like Jarrod, mate, you’ve gotta control the crazy. Can’t believe he asked Keira to be his girlfriend this early on. Earth to Jarrod you’ve liked this woman for all of 3 days.

JOSIE:  He’s becoming more purple by the second as well. Oh god, he was basically burgundy during that romantic chat.

MEL: He was either going to jizz or his bonce was going to explode. “I’m FALLING for you”, Oooooooft JARROD take it down 400 notches my guy. My dude.

JOSIE: He’s so intense. I predicted a dual jizz/bonce explosion and I’m devastated we didn’t get it tbh.

MEL: My dream.

JOSIE: Just fluid matter everywhere. I don’t understand the screaming and applauding after dates, by the way.

MEL: It is odd isn’t it. Guys they didn’t go and elope. Jarrod and Keira didn’t even go on a real date they were basically in forced babysitting. Meanwhile, I love Apollo bc he is so sweet and angelic and he’s totally a babe… but is he like a MASSIVE babe? Beyond the rest of the dudes? No, sorry he’s a cheruby angel but he’s not worth all this insane bullshit right?

JOSIE: I don’t get it either, am I missing something with him? Like he’s really sweet and has that insane ripped bod but it’s not worth the women losing attempting to subtly cut each other’s jugulars over.

MEL: He is very veiny. He looks like he will explode out of his skin at all times. Also sorry Apollo but 4 days of dating Simone and you’re hooked up? Please take 50 steps back and sit down.

Stop asking about my muscles and look at this BIG OLE VEIN

JOSIE: My thing is – WHY DOES EVERY WOMAN LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AT HIM. He’s not Amy Schumer calm the fuck down. Like I rolled off the bed and onto the floor I was so awkward about Rachael flirting during volleyball. 1. Push your boobs together. 2. Tell him he’s shit at [insert sporting activity here]. 3. Laugh a lot. Classic Year 10 PE class stuff, I used to slay that game.

MEL: I barely noticed Rachael because Simone was being such a bag of dicks. She is proper mean girl. Regina George 2.0. Not into her –  like wtf, any woman remotely in a 5 metre radius of her “man” is a bitch??

JOSIE: Simone is needlessly nasty. She’s become as unhinged as Elora.

MEL: THE FLAB COMMENT. Was she serious?? Props to Tara for shutting her the fuck down quick smart. IMO she only apologised because she was like “oh shit, I look bad now”.

JOSIE: Tara and Sam are the best.

MEL: “She doesn’t deserve Apollo because Apollo is a sweet angel” – my sister.

JOSIE: That is literally what I said when he arrived Kate! I agree wholeheartedly. Also lol at Simone trying to sell American Jared to Rachael.

MEL: Like some two bit used car salesman.

JOSIE: “He’s wonderful when he comes to life, and the rest of the time he’s a lovely hutch you can keep your dinner sets and cutlery in!”

MEL: Love how they made that Rachael/Jared swimming moment into a romantic epic when it was actually just Rachael being supremely drunk and galumphing around a very sober Jared.

“I did a lil spew down your back just then but don’t worry tho the water’ll wash it away”

JOSIE: Music editor: “QUICK GRAB A WHIMSICAL PIANO INTERLUDE FOR THIS BIT”. Also how long did they stand in the water, suddenly it’s 2am and pitch black.

MEL: That whole bit was amazing, she was just hanging off him like a blotto clam. And he was like okay drunky let’s put you to bed.

JOSIE: Oh Christ, the lame attempt at kissing. I was literally on the floor again. “THANKS FOR THE TALK”. I JUST INHALED AND THEN CHOKED ON THE DOONA.

MEL: It was outstandingly terrible. I would hate to be on this island, it’s basically just a bunch of people filming you in at your drunkest making questionable life choices.

JOSIE: How weird was Thomas returning. Like “oh yes we paid this bloke for the whole week so we’re bringing him back in”. Like excuse me but Demon Daniel didn’t get a second chance at love. Granted he attempted to suck the girls’ souls out via their nostrils so he didn’t deserve it. How’s how the entire episode I thought Thomas’ name was Andrew, that’s how little I had invested in him. To be fair I’m eating a glass of wine for dessert so I’m not quite with it.

MEL: That was some rich bullshit from Jake about Megan being TOLD to go off and meet a mystery bloke, considering he dumped Flo like a spicy potato when he was whisked off to meet Megan.

JOSIE: Well he is Lord of the Fuckboys so logic isn’t his strong suit. Call me a bitch but I was frothing on Jake being so upset.

MEL: Nah mate enjoying Jake being upset basically makes you Mother Teresa he’s the wooorst. It was mildly creepy that they essentially forced Megan into a date with Thomas/Andrew. Megan: I’m pretty happy with Jake thanks. Producers: NO YOURE NOT! Here, HAVE A FORCED DATE WITH MAN BUN!

JOSIE: When Osh was like “Guys there’s no pressure” to them? LOLOLOL “you’re forced into this date and the producers will be egging you on to kiss but NO PRESSURE AHAAHAHA”

MEL: NOOOO pressure (kisskisskisskisskiss). Can we discuss how blindingly babetown Thomas is? HOW did they boot him in the first place. “He’s like the Russell Brand of Paradise” – my sister.

JOSIE: He fucking is. Finally, a paradise guy we can get around. I would methodically take each Bachie man and throw them into the ocean to have a date with him.

MEL: I would feed them all to the murderous crabs on the beach.

JOSIE: Remember the murderous horses? I miss them.

MEL: There’s frankly not remotely enough dangerous fauna in Fiji for my liking. Why hasn’t someone been stung by a bad fish yet for example.

JOSIE: So. The Kiss. That we all thought was Elora somehow. Even though it is obviously a man with a three-day growth.

MEL: They 10000% lied to us with those promos and I hate it. But also I loved that kiss. Finally this show did something sexy.

JOSIE: It was quite the pash, like with the searing violins and visible tonguing. I was low key 5% turned on. But then Jake came on the screen in an array of Polo Ralph Lauren shirts and my vagina just straight up disappeared.

MEL: Jake exclusively wears Ralph Lauren Polo. Is he trying to get sponno off them that is the question. Beb Ralph Lauren ain’t gonna give you shit.

JOSIE: That was so funny when American Jared was suddenly the object of 2 x ladies’ affection and suddenly had to lightly fob Leah off. Tag yourself I’m the stick Leah was to stab into his eyeball.

MEL: I’m Rachael’s pre emptive wedding gown.

JOSIE: Power of suggestion.

MEL: It’s like The Secret but fashion.

JOSIE: Also – Is Ali A Secret Genius? An Investigation. She keeps coming out with actually normal, intelligent insights as opposed to the brain drivel the rest of these people spew forth.

MEL: In episode 12 – Ali is revealed to be a psychologist planted on the island to say woke shit.

JOSIE: I love how they keep saying “Thomas returning was Osher’s doing” as if he cares about these people beyond reading a prepared script? He’s in the hotel ina  plush robe with a cucumber eye mask on, you knobs. Meanwhile Leah stormed off like 19 times in that short 30 sec promo for tonight’s ep. I hope she storms right into the Fiji stormwater sludge and is never seen again.

MEL: Agreed, off you go Leah allow the soothing current to jettison you back to Australia bye.