Miranda Kerr can stop mazzing on planes now that she’s found another person on whom she can practice doing bendy sex things in Tom Cruise.
That’s according to New Idea, who thought a real neat Funday Monday activity would be to cut up old issues of New Idea and throw them in the air like content confetti for the contemporary Dadaist; all the pieces of the past falling and landing at random in strange, sexy new sentences that foretold a future that was at once both terrifying and very promising for November’s circulation figures.
Not unlike an Energising Citrus Mist sold at a very competitive price point, The Daily Mail also could not resist picking up the scent, which has now wafted its way to you through the miracle of SEO:
“With James out of the way, Tom and Miranda have exchanged several phone calls and have even met up in secret every time she’s flown into London, a source told the magazine.”
That’s about it, really. “James”, of course, refers to James Packer, Kerr’s rumoured ex-paramour, one of ten alleged billionaires rumoured to be courting her as part of a double down rebound after separating from her husband Orlando Bloom just over a year ago.
“Several phone calls” and “met up in secret” are far more elaborate, insidious euphemisms for far less interesting things, like ‘being in the same room’ or – infinitely worse – ‘being platonic friends’.
When you think about it for a far greater amount of time than you should [which is any time at all, really] the pair, who are reportedly close to going public with their relationship, are a perfect fit for one another.
Not only are they both brunette single parents to impossibly stylish children with a flair for the dramatic, they’re also both willing to accept great sums of money in exchange for performing the illusion of intimacy on a daily basis.
Photos by Lisa Maree Williams, Ken Ishii/Getty Images
