Just Gonna Say It: An Entirely Pineapple Pizza Would Rule, Actually

The pineapple on pizza debate has raged on for years. Probably decades – before the internet, I assume people met in person (!!!! the fuck) and argued about whether pineapple on pizza was a delicious heavenly treat or something the devil conjured up to fuck over God.

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I love pineapple on pizza. But that’s not original, lots of people like pineapple on pizza. I’m saying I really, REALLY like pineapple on pizza. So much so that I can genuinely say, and please Dominos/Pizza Hut/Crust/some random human being send me this – I would deeply enjoy just a pineapple pizza. A pizza whose only topping, besides sauce and cheese, is pineapple chunks.

pineapple on pizza
pick off all that stupid useless ham and we’re talking, babey

Wait a sec wait a sec wait a second of life, PLEASE, before opting out of this yarn and roasting me mercilessly in the comments on social media. I need to make my argument.

If you like pineapple on pizza you’re usually in the Hawaiian camp. That is, you like HAM and pineapple on pizza – it’s the salty-and-sweet blend that you like. This is a common enjoyment for common people, and I think you should try harder to expand your palate. Do you want to be basic? Do you? No, you don’t.

You don’t need the ham. It is a useless piece of moulded meat that simply doesn’t need to be present. The saltiness is too much, because the cheese has enough salt to accompany the pineapple without overwhelming it. But the cheese has more than that – it has milky.

What I like is the combination of milky and pineapple. I know, it sounds horrendous. It’s akin to when we all discovered Jon-Benet Ramsay and her brother Burke enjoyed pineapple pieces in milk as an afternoon snack – abominable. But there is something that just works about cheese and pineapple. I won’t go as far as MILK and pineapple, but the creamy, lightly salty flavour of cheese partner so deliciously with the sweet juiciness of canned pineapple.

There’s another element you need – the tomato base. You can’t just go pineapple and cheese (I mean, you actually could but it’s not the purest form of consumption). The base sauce needs to be perfect – some herbs, a rich passata flavour, and a generous dollop of it on every slice. The tart savoury notes, combined with the pineapple sweetness and salty cheese? *kissy fingers*.

pineapple on pizza
move aside ham you weak bitch

It’s not like I discovered this taste sensation by ordering it in some chaotic energy moment. What happened is what happens to everyone – I was eating pizza and the meat slid off, leaving me with pineapple bits trapped in the cheesy melt. I realised I didn’t need that stupid, weak ham rectangle to make the pizza work. The pineapple did just fine solo, thank you very much.

I cannot stress to you how over-hyped I think ham is, especially in conjunction with pineapple on pizza. I know I’m going on about it a lot, but it makes me really upset. Hame is such an egomaniac. It overpowers everything in it’s wake with it’s high salt content and desperately eager-to-please attitude. If it could just calm down for a fucking second and not invade every slice with 400 iterations of itself, I’d be ok with it joining the party, maybe. But why is it EVERYWHERE? Honestly those pizza chefs line the base with an entire piglet. It ruins the nuance and I don’t care for it.

Maybe this is making you dry-retch over your phone. Maybe you just vomited a little in your mouth. I’m sorry your palate isn’t as refined as mine, truly I am. You’re missing out on a glorious and high-brow taste sensation, and I feel sorry for you.

Some of us just can’t reach the upper echelons of dining, I suppose.