Every now and again the internet presents us with a gift; a little slice of something that for no rhyme or reason is just totally fucking cooked. Let us not forget that time a series of tweets about a Queensland cafe chain called Café 63, and it’s long-ass menu, popped the fuck off.
It kicked off with a brain purge of facts from @TheFanciestLad, who suddenly decided that a Monday morning was the perfect time to discuss the cursed energy that emanates from one weirdly-specific cafe company.
In Brisbane there is a chain of like, 40 cafes called Cafe 63, named because their first location was at 63 Racecourse Road in Hamilton. They all have this snazzy black and white stripe decor. pic.twitter.com/J10kEpx1DP
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
Apparently the place has the same energy as those muggacino-serving coffee spots that suburban mums love – you know the ones.
But this place, this seemingly-mild Café 63, holds many chaotic things within its black and white striped walls. Somewhere beyond the little flower cart at the door and aside from its Fair Work investigations. Strap in, this place contains multitudes.
The most immediately alarming thing is the cafe menu. Did you want to read an entire novel to try and decide what you’re craving for a hungover brunch? No? Sorry mate but this is your reality because the menu is 15 pages long.
they also have, bar none, the MOST INSANE MENU I HAVE EVER SEEN IN ANY RESTAURANT EVER.
It is 15 pages long, has no rhyme or reason, and does immeasurable psychic damage to me every time I gaze upon it.https://t.co/KHTyYU14eN
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
It begins where all menus should: a very normal and fine list of literally every single add-on you can have with your meals, ranging from 20g of balsamic vinegar (free) to an entire rump steak ($26).
The menu starts with a full two column page that lets you know all the extras you can get. I don’t know why I would need to add 200g of lamb’s fry to my meal. I also don’t know why they felt the need to tell me that I can get 20g of chili or 3 lemon slices for free pic.twitter.com/wLjthKEF9A
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
Very normal, absolutely nothing to see here apart from the fact you can definitely just order pouring cream (???) and it won’t cost you anything, but “green leaves” are a dollar.
The further you venture into the café menu, the more your head swims. Nothing really has any kind of theme, and everything — and I mean every single thing — is named after someone or something.
what do two dishes named after Cricketers have in common? What about the handful of dishes named after disney characters, or tv shows from the 50s, or daffodils, or government policies have in common? At Cafe 63 the answer to all these questions is “Fuck you”.
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
All of the omelettes are named after sports stars, until they’re suddenly not. You’ve got the “Barty” (assumedly after Ash Barty), the “Mark Webber“, the “Stephanie Rice” and the “Cathy Freeman“. And then there’s “Super Brat”, instead of John McEnroe, and “Hannah” which… ???
Your mind races to try to find meaning in this menu, you look to the Omelettes – oh, Australian athletes? Stephanie Rice gets a gong because she’s from the same area as the first Cafe 63? Oh and Hannah. pic.twitter.com/AHnlli4zc6
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
Everywhere you look, the menu takes on less and less meaning.
Minced beef on toast? Police.
Eggs with sausages? Carbon Tax.
Scrambled eggs with Bacon and hashbrowns? Elle MacPherson. pic.twitter.com/gKK9f8cT2O
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
Sorry but I simply cannot go past the fact that a breakfast dish with mashed potato with pulled lamb shank and a fried egg and tomato is called “Trumpet”. TRUMPET.
Mashed potato. Pulled lamb. Tomato. Egg.
Trumpet.
your eyes start to dart around the menu, you find the Kids lunch/dinner menu – you spot more disney characters! Finally, you hope, some coherence!
Your hopes are dashed when you see dishes named after sitcoms that no child born in the last 30 years has seen, let alone heard of. pic.twitter.com/Mt1SnD20Uq
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
then, like a lighthouse bursting through the fog, leading our cursed vessel to shore, we find the only consistently named dishes on the entire menu.
For some unknown, and perhaps, unknowable reason, the three sizes of fries are named after legendary all blacks. pic.twitter.com/h4PxQOryNM
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
And if you wanted that mash and lamb, but for dinner? Sorry it’s absolutely not Trumpet with veg, it’s “Ice Wings”.
The final full page of dishes features the inexplicable “Ice Wings” – presumably named after an all white daffodil, famous for its similarity to a pulled lamb shank with mashed potatoes, gravy and seasonal vegetables. pic.twitter.com/dyl9adjtua
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
You might think “oh, maybe all the celebrity-named ones are dishes that have their energy”, but I put it to you that Liz Hurley probably doesn’t have steak with bacon and hollandaise sauce level of energy.
And, finally, what I consider the pièce de résistance of the entire menu.
If I told you there was a dish called the “Liz Hurley”, what would you think was on it? Something sweet? Who fucking knows. Anyway, it absolutely *wouldn’t* be steak, topped with bacon and hollandaise pic.twitter.com/8EJeIesW3O
— beanternet defamation lawyer (@TheFanciestLad) May 9, 2021
This menu. This fucking cafe menu. I need to take a lap and then have a lie down, it’s too much. As a person who gets menu panic whenever I go out for a meal, this is sending me into a spiral.
And we haven’t even started on the fact Café 63 has, for some truly fucked reason, a fleet of astro turf-topped cars.
and you didn’t even mention their bizarre fleet of astroturf cars! pic.twitter.com/mY5j1ZMqDO
— Rory Dungan (@dungan_donuts) May 10, 2021
WHY.
